Looking back

It's been almost a year now since this journey started. At the beginning I wasn't sure what I'd gotten myself into or if I would/could/should continue. Obviously I kept going, or I wouldn't be writing this blog still. I love to write and all, but not enough to keep rambling on for close to a year. My life isn't that fascinating, trust me.

Yesterday I braved driving on some crappy roads for personal training and measurements. I don't regret the personal training. Having my measurements done, well, if I tell myself enough times that they are just numbers eventually I'm going to believe it. That's one of my HUGE areas of weakness still. I've grown and changed in many ways, but I still look at those inches and percentages and think they speak to my worth as a person.

NOT TRUE: they are numbers pure and simple. They let me know that I need to pay more attention and bypass those foods I know I shouldn't eat too much of, but they are numbers. Those numbers don't tell you that I started out the year not able to make it across the studio doing inchworms, but now I can without being out of breath. They won't tell you that I am so focused when I workout that I don't notice something like a fingernail I ripped until I get home and notice blood on my finger. Those numbers sure as hell won't tell you I didn't quit when super sore muscles, knee injuries, a sprained ankle or sore back would have made it easy to walk away. In short, those numbers tell you nothing about who I REALLY am.

I also decided late last night/early this morning that I had the wrong perspective on my measurements. Sure, they went up from November, but they are way down from January 2012. That's the whole point after all: not to get down and give up based on a month that wasn't as great as it could have been, but to look to where I came from. To remember walking in that studio and wishing to sink into the floor and going to hide in a corner to work out, not wanting to talk to anyone. To look at that first picture and see the miserable look on my face. To remember how I felt like the Biggest Mooser contest was the last thing I was trying, then I was finished with it all.

Now I enjoy walking into the studio, even if there are days I look at the board and debate walking right back out. In pictures now I usually smile and it reaches my eyes. I know now I have the tools and the experts around me to accomplish whatever I want to.

Yes, yes...we are getting to the numbers. I'm hanging back because I want to really emphasize what's important and it isn't those numbers. This journey isn't about numbers: it's about growing and changing, preparing myself for whatever the next steps in my life are going to be and being ready to meet those challenges head on without too much fear and whining. Seriously, you really think I'm going to face change without whining about it?? I haven't changed that much!

I've dragged this on long enough I guess: it's time for those numbers now.

January 2012
Weight: 293
Body Fat Percentage: 37.9%
Hips: 54.75"
Waist: 44"
Thigh: 27.75"
Arm: 14.5"
Clothing Size: 24 (I could squeeze into a 22, but it was uncomfortable)

December 2012
Weight: 253
Body Fat Percentage: 29.9%
Hips: 49.25"
Waist: 40.25"
Thigh: 26.75"
Arm: 14.5"
Clothing Size: 16

Total Loss
Weight: 40 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 8%
Hips: 5.5"
Waist: 3.75"
Thigh: 1"
Arm: stayed the same, but you can feel more muscle now
Clothing Sizes: 4

I thought about not sharing those numbers at all to be honest. They looked so much better last month, but I'm not about trying to impress anyone. I'm about being honest and hoping that maybe in some way, knowing where I am and what I'm thinking could inspire or encourage someone else. Maybe those numbers aren't all that impressive to anyone else, but they are fantastic and completely amazing to me: I know how hard I've worked to achieve what I have.

Am I done now? Nope, not even close. I have never really sat down to think about when I would be done or how I would know. I just know I'm not at a place where I would want to stop. I am at a place where I am seeing the things my body can do and I'm intrigued to see what else I'm capable of. I do need to sit down and ponder my goals for 2013. I know weight goals won't be a part of it, the scale doesn't change very often and it is disheartening at times, so I'm backing away from it. I need to appreciate and be thankful for what I have accomplished, not angry and depressed because the scale won't budge.

I will continue to blog in 2013, so if you're interested you're welcome to come along for the ride. I'd love the company.

Thanks for reading.

Is this me?

I have had occasion to ask myself that question a lot in the past 11 months. I'm still not sure I have an answer, because I seem to be changing. I'm not the person I was 11 months ago. Most days I am self-assured and I feel confidence in myself and my abilities. Not always, but more often than ever before. I don't look in the mirror, grimace and turn away as much anymore. Now I study the person looking back and I don't hate her. I may not always love her, but I like what I see. I still don't see the changes other people do, but I am wise enough to know I might never see what others see.

I LOVE to exercise. I don't jump out of bed at 5 am loving it, but by the time I am done I am thankful I left my bed and my purring cats and got to sweat alongside so many great, inspiring people. I genuinely miss working out when I don't. I'm also branching out and getting braver with what I will do. I have been a creature of habit in the past. I would do bootcamp and only bootcamp. Now I do bootcamp, Power 90 workouts, All Star Workout, I jog/run and I am looking forward to starting to hike and snowshoe soon.

Finally, finally, finally I've figured out that food is nothing more than fuel for my body. It can't make a hard day go away, it can't make me feel better when I want to cry and it won't protect me from anything. When I have a hard day physical activity is the best thing for me and it works better than a pint of ice cream. When I want to cry I am learning to let go and do just that. I still prefer to do that by myself, but I know crying in front of others is not the end of the world. It is what it is. As for feeling safe...food didn't protect me, it was never designed to protect me. I am getting stronger, leaner, faster and wiser. There are things in the world I cannot protect myself from. My job is to live this life I was given and enjoy it.

The Ben's Bootcamp Camper of the Year has been announced. It wasn't me, but the person who won was an excellent choice. I thought I would mind not being chosen. I'm finding I don't. I wasn't looking for that kind of recognition. It would have been nice, I would have appreciated it, but at the end of the day I am not working as hard as I am just to get attention.

I am working this hard for MYSELF. This transformation is about me, and yes it feels pretty selfish to say that. It probably is pretty selfish, but it's the truth. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I don't want to sound mean or ungrateful, but I have to take care of myself. I love my family and friends and by taking care of myself I am better able to be there for them when I'm needed.

I hope that didn't come across sounding as if I don't appreciate the time and energy my instructors have given me, I DO appreciate it. I have thanked them numerous times, and meant it every single time. The reality is if I am doing this only to please Ben, Ami, Ty, Mary, Stacey or anyone else I'm not going to be able to keep going. Others can encourage me, support me and guide me, but they can't motivate me: that has to come from within.

End of the year numbers will be coming soon. I'll even step on my dreaded nemesis, the scale, so I can report that number as well.

I'll have to sit down soon and map out my goals for 2013. No resolutions, just thinking about where I came from and where I am heading.

I know a few things on my calendar for 2013 already:

1. Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. (Yes, I was going to do the Tinkerbell Half-Marathon, but the logistics weren't working out so that has been deferred until January 2014)

2. Tough Mudder in August. I have a team of friends I will be doing this with. I'm excited and more than a little nervous about this, but I have time to prepare.

Other than that I would like to make the Wall of Fame by the end of 2013. We shall see....

For the moment I have gifts to finish up and wrap. Merry Christmas to all of you!

Thanks for reading...

Time flies...

It's been awhile again. Life keeps pulling me forward and the things I don't schedule in just don't seem to be happening. My new job is providing a vertical learning curve that leaves me reeling most days. I workout, work and that's about all I have to give.

I am keeping up with my exercise and am beginning to run again after some really sore piriformis muscles convinced me I would never be a runner and I should quit while I was ahead. I may never be the best runner, but I can be a runner and that's enough.


I just returned from a weekend on Staten Island with a dear friend. It was sobering to see the damage left behind in Sandy's wake. I had a wonderful time, many laughs and some great shopping. It was heartening to see people pulling together to meet needs and give to others. Not for fame or recognition, but because it was the right thing to do.

On Monday, December 3 I had an experience that was humbling to say the least. I was nominated for Camper of the Year at Ben's Bootcamp. The nomination was such an honor, but what was written about me was truly humbling. I still cry when I read it...and if someone else reads it forget it: I'm a wreck. All I can say is thank you Ben, what you wrote may well be true, but it's only because my instructors believed in me when I didn't have the confidence or courage to believe in myself.

When I started on this journey I had no idea what to expect. I wasn't sure it was worth it to improve my health and I wasn't sure I really cared. The small spark of hope lived inside me and it wanted better than constant tiredness and feeling down. I figured I had nothing to lose when I applied to the Biggest MOOser contest. When I was chosen as a semi-finalist that little spark flared up and I WANTED to be one of the finalists. Thanks again to every person who took time out of their lives to vote for me and make sure I got an incredible opportunity.

As I kept working out the effort I put in to make my instructors and friends proud changed into wanting to make myself proud. The body I once loathed was showing me just how strong it could be. Now I do what I do for myself. For peace of mind, for health, for happiness and for the sheer joy of doing things I would have considered impossible almost a year ago.

So now I am one of six nominees for Camper of the Year. I read the other bios on the competition and I am humbled all over again. I know two of the nominees quite well since I have been working out with them in Derby. The other three are from the Lyndonville studio and incredibly impressive as well. I would love to be Camper of the Year, I won't lie or hide that, but it truly was an honor just to be nominated.

Now I'm planning ahead for a New Year that promises to be amazing. Starting with a half-marathon and girl's weekend in February. In August I am going to cross one item off my bucket list: I will be competing in Tough Mudder. I am scared, excited and more than a little shocked that I am really going to do this. I'm sure the nerves will increase, but I have some amazing friends who will be beside me encouraging me and competing right along with me.

I hope you'll come along for the ride. It promises to be amazing trip. I'll try to be better about writing. The vertical learning curve I'm on HAS to ease up sometime, right? I won't always feel like I am over my head and treading water in a pool full of alligators.

Back to your evening and thanks for reading!

Where did the time go??

I'm back!

I would ask if you even noticed I've been gone, but let's just assume you have. Where have I been you ask? I'll be happy to tell you.

1. Moving into a new job. I am still in Special Education, but heading down a completely different path at the moment. So far it's exciting, challenging, terrifying and rewarding all in one.

2. Finishing Calculus II. The end of Calculus occurred on Saturday, November 17 at 4 pm. There was celebrating. A very yummy raspberry margarita, shrimp fajitas and some shopping. 3 more weekends and I will have earned a Master's Degree. There might need to be a party to celebrate that one....

3. Continuing on my fitness journey. I think I assumed at some point this would become easy for me. Don't misunderstand, many things are easier. Bear Crawls and Rope Climbs don't make me want to cry. I can do Burpees without worrying about getting sick. I still struggle with Valslider Army Crawls and being able to do a pull-up still eludes me. What I am realizing is that I have a choice to make everyday. Will I do what I know I should, which means exercise and eat in a way that will help my body? Or will I half-ass it and end the day feeling pretty rotten?

Most often I choose to do what's best for my body. When stress mounts as it has lately and sore, tight muscles are complaining (I now know all about my piriformis muscles...) I have to force myself to do what's right. I am thankful I know what is right, I haven't always. That pint of  Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream tastes good, but the feeling if I eat the entire pint is not a good one. I'm learning that those first 1 or 2 bites are what taste the best, the others just don't. So if it doesn't taste as wonderful I should stop eating it, right?? Yep, working on that one still.

I have new measurements for you too. Just finished up a 5 week session and am looking forward to this recovery week. I'm going to keep active, but perhaps step it back a notch while I work on stretching out those piriformis muscles so I don't end up with pain that radiates up and down my back and butt. Nothing like wondering if your tailbone really is on fire to make elusive sleep stay even further away.

A note for anyone wondering why you won't see a weight measurement here. I have to step away from the scale for awhile. It seems to be stuck at the same number and I know my body is changing. I don't want that one number to make me crazy so I'm not going to measure my weight. I'll go with inches, body fat percentage and how my clothes fit. I will step on the scale once a month, but it won't be the way I measure progress.

So without further ado and mindless chatter...here are those numbers:

Body Fat Percentage: 26.2% (down 3.8% from Oct. 8)
Hips: 47.5 inches (down 1.75 inches from Oct. 8)
Waist: 39.25 inches (down 0.25 inches from Oct. 8)
Thigh: 26.25 inches (same as Oct. 8)
Arm: 13.50 inches (up 0.25 inches from Oct. 8)

I was going to give you the grand total so far for inches and body fat percentage, but I'll save that for after measurements in December and give you a year end total since that will be about 12 months since I started this journey. I'm thrilled with my numbers and this new stronger body.

Thank you for your continued support and interest in my journey and as always: Thanks for reading!

It's Worth It

I've been quiet for some time now. Mostly because real life found me under my lurking rock and dragged me kicking and screaming out. Not much time to write when your goal is to get back under your rock and hide.

Yes, I have changed in the past ten months, but I haven't changed that much. When things get overwhelming I still choose retreat. If you corner me I'll come out fighting, but at heart I prefer fleeing.

As you have probably guessed I lived through my break from exercise. When I came back I was hesitant and unsure about deadlifting again. I know it wasn't the deadlifts that caused the problems. That blame would be mine for choosing to ignore my body's signals that all was not well and I needed to back off. Last night in personal training I did deadlifts again. It was 185 pounds, not my record of 305 pounds but it felt good. Actually it felt amazing. I used proper form, concentrated on lengthening my spine and not even a twinge from my lower back. Maybe my heavy lifting days aren't over after all. :)

I got to show Ben my rope climbs last night too. He was there the first time I ever did them when I could barely haul myself up and going down consisted of thumping to the floor because my arms hurt too much to lower my body. My arms still hurt last night, but I did it. I'd like to think I impressed Ben, but then I'm a teacher's pet at heart. I did get a high five when personal training was over...I'd say I did a good job.

Last Friday morning I got a gift from a friend. Someone I really admire actually, because she pushes herself to be better every time and she makes most of the things we do in class look easy. She framed a print for me and now that print takes place of pride on my desk. Thanks Ami for thinking of me and giving me the nudge to get up, dust off and get back to it.

For those who are curious I'll post it. I believe you can find it on HasFit.com if you want it for yourself . 

It will hurt.
It will take time.
It will require sacrifice.
It will require dedication.
It will require willpower.
You will need to make healthy decisions.
You will need to push your body to its max.
There will be temptation
And days when you want to give up,
But when you reach your goal,
IT'S WORTH IT!

I guess since I've left my comfort zone far behind it's probably time to walk away from my lurking rock too. I'll miss it, but there's a big wide world out here that I've ignored for far too long. I know it won't always be easy or fun, but it's what I have to do.

Thank you for taking the time to read and to let me know you're reading. I know everyone who reads this has a million other things clamoring for their attention and I hope this blog offers a small break.

Numbers, numbers everywhere!

I am two days into my break from bootcamp and I have one thing to say: I HATE THIS!

It was so hard to walk into Derby this morning and just have my measurements taken. I was going to go to All-Star Workout tonight and get a workout in anyway, but I am smart enough and adult enough to know listening to my instructor is going to be much better for me in the long run. So I am sitting here to write this blog post, then I'm going to get off my butt and clean. I have to do something, even if it involves cleaning.

I know I need a break, I know it is for the best, I know it is only one week and nothing irreparable will happen in one week. I know all these things and I'm reminding myself of them constantly. I would like to take a moment to thank Tyler for telling me I needed a break (no, I am not being sarcastic...okay, I am not being too sarcastic).

I suppose this is a way for me to learn patience and that I need to be careful. I should have learned that by now, but since I didn't there's no time like the present. Did I mention it's a VMI weekend too? I may have to run on Friday and Saturday so I don't explode. I don't think it's safe to face Calculus with no exercise at all.

Since this is my second post in two days I won't drag this out. I'll give you my new measurements and let you get back to your evening. There's a kitchen floor just begging to be scrubbed.

October 8, 2012 Measurements
Weight: 255 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 30%
Hips: 49.25 inches
Waist: 39.5 inches
Thigh: 26.25 inches
Arm: 13.25 inches

Now let's see how far I've come since January 2012:

Weight: lost 38 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 7.9%
Hips: lost 5.5 inches
Waist: lost 4.75 inches
Thigh: lost 1.5 inches
Arm: lost 1.25 inches

 I've lost a grand total of 13 inches. I have muscles I can feel in places that I didn't know there were muscles. My hipbones aren't quite as buried under fat as they once were and I was actually able to shop in an Old Navy store instead of online. I have been able to find clothes in the women's section of Kohl's instead of immediately going to the Plus Size department.

Thanks for reading...

Break Time

Another bootcamp session is over. The down week has started and I'm not planning on completing another workout until Monday, October 15. There are classes and activities planned for the down week, I could certainly go and exercise. The fact is I've been asked not to. Tyler suggested that I use the down week to rest. I argued, but it was a pretty half-hearted argument.

I know Tyler is right: I need to rest. My aching lower back, glutes and knees make that pretty clear. Something else made it even clearer: my attitude. For the first time in many months I have not wanted to work out. I did work out, but I don't think any of the instructors were fooled. "I" wasn't really there. I gave what I could, but I didn't have any "all" to give.

Since I've been honest in the past I'll be honest now too:

1. I'm exhausted. I think I've cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 9 months. I cry after workouts, because I hurt and because I know what I just did was nothing close to the best I could do. That bothers me.

2. I'm afraid: I'm supposed to run a half-marathon in January and right now I don't see any possible way I will be able to do it. Friends have told me I can walk, as long as I can complete a mile in 16 minutes or less I can do it. The thing is I want to run. I want to feel what I felt in June when I finished my first 5K. That surge of happiness that I did something I never thought I could. I don't feel that now: running has become a chore and one I resent whole-heartedly.

3. I'm angry: I posted a status on Facebook saying I wanted to see how many more people I could make unhappy on Tuesday and a friend emailed me to say she wasn't angry or unhappy. My thought at the time was "So glad you're not angry or unhappy: I'm angry and unhappy enough for both of us". She also reminded me that I have to do what is best for me, not always worry about what everyone else thinks. Which leads nicely into #4...

4. I'm worried: Needing this break and actually taking it I worry I am letting people down. Yeah, I know, I spend WAY too much time worrying. I need to take care of myself too. I think the aches and exhaustion are my body's way of getting my attention.

I'm not going to go on a week-long binge however. I am going to be very careful with my nutrition. My goal is to be on the Ben's Bootcamp Wall of Fame some day. I'd like to be someone new bootcampers feel they can talk to. Right now I feel about as approachable as a porcupine. That will change. I don't think I'll ever be outgoing, but I will at least be approachable again.

So during the down week I'm going to rest and regroup. I'm going to set new goals. I will figure out where I need to go next and how best to get there. If I take the time to really listen and ask for help, I am sure I will get where I am supposed to be.

Thanks for taking the time to read...

What am I doing??

As you might be able to guess from the title I am in a doubting frame of mind at the moment. I do know how to handle this without whining to all the people who take time out of their day to read my blog, but this is my journey and I'm being honest. If I make every post all sunshine and joy I'm not being honest and I'm not being real. This journey isn't always easy. I will keep the whining to a minimum.

It's been a hard week. I seem to be fighting a cold at the moment which usually makes me crabby. My workouts this week seemed to be more about going through the motions and praying to get to the end than taking any real joy in what I can do now. Don't get me wrong: I definitely appreciate what I can do now, but this week it didn't bring me any joy.

Monday morning I got my 10th top performer dog tag after bootcamp. I get my next month of personal training free. That's a huge deal and I should have been thrilled. Instead I really wanted to question the instructor to find out what I did that was good. It was all I could to haul my butt through that workout.

I KNOW I am my own worst critic and I am 100 times harder on myself than is ever warranted, so I bit my tongue and said thank you. I put on a good face and I really did appreciate the recognition, even if it felt completely undeserved. I have to trust that my instructor sees something I don't and he definitely knows what he's doing and talking about.

Tuesday I brought a friend to bootcamp with me. She did an amazing job & she is still speaking to me even if she was sore. Again, I felt like I was hauling my butt through the workout and my only goal was to get it done so I could leave. That's not me, that attitude hasn't been mine since the beginning of the mooser competition.

Wednesday was Warrior Class, which I normally love. I enjoyed it this week, but not like I normally do. The goal was to complete 7 rounds of the exercises before the end of class.

1 round consisted of
10 kettlebell snatches (each arm)
6 tire flips (the tire flips hurt my back so it was modified to 12 Goblet Squats with a 30 pound dumbbell)
1 pond run (modified to a Birch run and I had to keep running the entire time)
8 double kettlebell clean, squat, presses
10 sledgehammer slams (each arm) 

I made it through 6 and that was a struggle. I hit the wall at the end of round 6 and I was done. I stretched out my aching back, glutes and hamstrings and wondered what the heck was wrong with me.

Someone who is much wiser than me suggested that I need a break. That I have been pushing myself for a long while now and it might be time to use the down week as a break to give my body and mind time to regroup and renew so I can focus on my goals again and avoid injury.

The idea of a complete break and a week where I only think about being compliant with my nutrition scares me. I agree it's probably needed and I'll be better for it.

This morning I stood in front of my nemesis the scale. I haven't weighed myself since the last measurements and I wasn't looking forward to doing it this morning. I know the scale gives me a number that means nothing, but years of brainwashing have convinced me that number is important too. Unfortunately that number has pretty much stalled or gone up since the beginning of August. I was expecting the same this morning and was fully prepared to see that 258 pounds had gone up again. 

I got a pleasant surprise, it was down to 256. I know my body isn't the same, but I'd really appreciate the scale giving me the same information. People are always shocked when I tell them my weight really hasn't changed much since May. My inches and body fat percentage have changed a lot and I try to focus on that, but that number on the scale still means something too. 

So at the end of the day: I'm human. I get discouraged and pissed off with situations that are really none of my business, but irritating nonetheless. I whine and complain and forget I am not alone in this. I promised I wouldn't preach at you in my blog, and I won't. Thank you God for your strength (and thank you to KC and JA for the reminders that I'm not ever in this alone).

Thanks for reading...back to your regularly scheduled day now.

Priorities

To accomplish great things we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. ~Anatole France

So, let's start this off with a question. What are the priorities in your life? Family? Friends? Your job? Pets? Exercise? God?

I used to be able to answer with no hesitation my priorities were job, family and friends. My job definitely came first for me. My identity was completely tied up in being a special educator. I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone that putting everything I had into my job didn't make me happy. I took every bit of constructive criticism as proof I wasn't good enough. Putting my job first wasn't ever going to make me happy, but it sure meant I didn't need to spend any time on myself. That was a priority too, putting everyone and everything in my life above myself.

We all know when that changed, but do you know why it changed? I have never held back before, I'm not about to censor myself now. The part of my brain that would like to filter my words is practically screaming at me not to write any of this. Since I haven't heeded the filter before there's little to no chance I'm going to listen to it now.

My priorities had to change because I was miserable. Completely, utterly miserable and so depressed getting out of bed was a chore. I pasted on a smile, I volunteered for every extra task I could at work and I threw myself into the coursework for my master's degree hoping it would make me feel better. All I felt was tired and more and more down as time passed. I knew I was ignoring myself, but that was so much easier than admitting I was miserable and doing something about it. I had no reason to be so unhappy so I kept telling myself to get over it.

I had applied to be a biggest mooser contestant before January 2012, but it wasn't time yet. I had tried bootcamp and pretty much failed miserably. I wasn't ready to commit myself to the program and trust the instructors. I wanted results, but on my terms. I'd do almost anything as long as no one asked me to trust them.

So what changed? 

I changed. I discovered there is something outside my little life. I decided it was past time to see if living a different way could make me happy. If I could find a way beat the depression without resorting to taking drugs that made me feel flat and blah.

DISCLAIMER: I am not knocking antidepressants. I've taken them, for me they were not the answer. Please, please, please: don't make decisions or do things based on me. Talk to your doctor. This is my story, not me telling you how to live. 

 

Obviously I was chosen as a Biggest Mooser contestant and I finished the competition, though most of the time the ONLY thing keeping me in it was that I could please someone else. The occasional "atta girl" or high five from an instructor didn't hurt either, I love praise.

 

My priorities really hadn't changed in April when the contest ended. I'm sure they seemed to have changed to anyone who knew me. I continued going to bootcamp even though I wasn't the "Biggest Mooser". I am a perpetual people pleaser and I transferred my desire to excel as a special educator to my desire to make the bootcamp instructors proud of me. 

It wasn't until I went on a 2 week vacation after school ended that I discovered I actually LIKED to exercise and I felt better when I exercised. No instructor, no bootcamp friends, just me and a workout I put together. Planks, squats, high knees, push ups, burpees: nothing fancy, but I made myself go

until I was sweating every  time.

There wasn't a morning I finished and had an epiphany in the shower or anything. It was coming home and actually looking forward to going to bootcamp for ME. Not because Ben, Tyler, Mary or Stacey would be happy to see me (I think they were) but because I enjoyed the time to focus on my body and pushing myself. 

 

Now I am trying to cut down to 3 bootcamp classes per week plus personal training and Warrior Class. I also have a Wellness Center class I love, All-Star Workout.

I asked you a question at the beginning and I'd like to answer it myself with my new priorities: My faith, exercise, family, friends and my job.

I've discovered that not putting my job in first place has actually made me a better teacher. My ego isn't tied into being perfect so I can accept comments and suggestions without feeling that it means I'm awful at what I do. There are days I leave work grouchy out-of-sorts and wondering why I chose to teach, but those days I can usually count on a workout to adjust my attitude and remind me of my priorities.

Now...on with the weekend. Wishing everyone a wonderful time.

 

Thanks for reading!

Running & randomness...

I ran another 5K on Sunday. The Annual Fall Foliage Run to benefit the Old Stone House Museum. I had new sneakers and I was feeling confident. Well, that confidence lasted until my shins started to ache, then my breathing got off and it went downhill from there. I still have not mastered continuing to run when my mind is convinced I need to stop. My body is definitely stronger and capable of being pushed more than I do push when I run. I'll push in bootcamp with no problems-Now I need to bring that to my running.

It got me thinking HARD about things. I finished the 5K in 50:15 and I said I was proud of that. I know I should be, but that's where the problem is. I KNOW I should be proud of myself, I know where I came from. The problem is I want to be at the end NOW! I'm not saying I mind the hard work. When I don't work out I feel out-of-sorts, like I'm letting someone down. Not that I'm letting myself down, but someone else. It feels completely selfish to say I workout because I enjoy it. I always want to give some deep, meaningful reason, like doing something for myself just isn't okay.

While I was running or at some point after I must have strained or woken up some weak muscles in my lower back. Monday morning I was standing at the kitchen sink getting my water for the day when my lower back seized up. If you've experienced that before you know what I'm talking about and you are probably wincing right now. If you have never felt that I hope you don't, it hurt and I have a pretty high pain threshold (just ask, I ignore or hide sprained ankles and broken toes to keep working out. Not recommended by the way) . I have been trying to be more careful and use ice and heat to treat sore muscles instead of diving into the ibuprofen bottle, but Monday morning when I finally felt like I could move I took 6 tablets and hoped it would work fast (Yes, that was 1200 mg. of Ibuprofen. I don't recommend it, but I was desperate for relief).

Monday passed and as long as I didn't stand still or sit for too long I was okay. The funny thing, though I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me could explain it, is my back didn't bother me at all during bootcamp at 5:30 am or at 6:15 pm when I went to All-Star Workout. Any other time it was a balancing act not to sit or stand for too long. I kept moving as much as I could so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain.

Tuesday I could sit and stand normally with only a few twinges to remind me I did something. Bootcamp was fine, no pain, but a ton of sweat. Personal training wasn't so fine. Those copper kettlebells just were not coming up for double KB squats and it made me angry and upset. I was reminded several times that sometimes it's not about pushing the weight. Yes, I know, but I WANT to push the weight. I listened to my trainer and what I did do I think I did darn well. I got to try Rope Climbs again and anyone who has been reading this blog for awhile knows my first personal training session with rope climbs resulted in me huddled on the floor crying. Not on Tuesday night: I might have struggled with them, but I could do 6 reps.

Wednesday morning I did something I don't often do. I took a break. I slept later and didn't panic that I had missed bootcamp. I'm pretty sure no one is going to tell me I'm through and I've been kicked out of bootcamp for getting some rest. Plus I knew I had Warrior Class coming at 6 pm.

Warrior Class was wonderful as always. My back feels almost back to normal and the twinges were a good reminder to use my legs and knees to lift those kettlebells, not my back. I know I've heard that before...but you may have noticed I have to learn a lot of lessons the hard way. 

So what can I take away from my experiences this week?

1. I have a lot to be proud of myself for and I need to acknowledge that.
2. It really is okay to say I workout for myself and how good it makes me feel. I feel strong and powerful now, instead of weak and mousy: I should enjoy that.
3. I need to keep running and practicing.
4. I am blessed beyond belief to have friends who love me even when I am less than lovable.
5. Taking a break is not the end of the world.

I'll let you get back to your regularly scheduled evening now.

Thanks for reading!

Ahh...Numbers

Let's get right to the important part of this blog. I have new numbers to report and honestly, with the start of the school year and another VMI weekend looming (September 7 & 8) I'm not feeling all that witty. I have some things to say, I'll say them, but first I'll give you those numbers.

Weight: 258 pounds (I checked to be sure the cat wasn't sitting on it with me, but since he's 24 pounds I sort of knew it wasn't him)

Body Fat Percentage: 29.6% (down 1.9%. Nice. :) )

Thigh: 26.75 in. (up 0.5 inches from August 7)

Hips: 49.5 in. (up 0.75 inches from August 7)

Waist: 39.5 in. (same as August 7)

Arm: 13 in. (down 1.5 inches from August 7)

So...my thoughts on these numbers? Well obviously the scale is completely defective and needs to be replaced immediately. I'm thrilled with the body fat percentage. I'm in the average range...seriously, I checked a chart: I have an average percentage of body fat. The thigh measurement doesn't bother me too much, maybe just a little bit. I want them to get smaller. Maybe instead of worrying about a number I should be thankful I have two strong legs that can move me around?

The hip measurement got me, I'm used to that going down. This time it went up and I came close to freaking out about it. Childish, but there it is...I wanted to freak out over a number. Did I? No, I managed to be an adult, but you bet there will be an extra push this month from me during classes in the next session. I like that measurement going down.

My waist stayed the same and that's OK. I expect if I up my effort that number will go down as well.

The arm measurement was a nice surprise. I haven't seen that number go down recently.

What else have I been up to? I'm keeping a food journal again. It's interesting to see what I really eat and that I'm getting better at eating supportively. I have a lean protein and a fibrous carb most meals. I'm even able to have a cheat meal without blowing my nutrition plan completely apart. After the cheat meal I'm anxious to get right back on track. I like to be in control, what can I say.

The 2 areas I need to work on with my nutrition are taking my vitamins and drinking enough water. The rule of thumb is that you should drink half of your body weight in ounces of water per day. I weigh 258 pounds...so I should be drinking at least 129 ounces of water per day. I get about 110 ounces per day, almost enough, but almost enough won't really cut it.

Then the vitamin dilemma. I know I should take them and really I don't mind taking them. The problem being I prefer to take my vitamins before bed and by the time I remember I haven't take them it's 2 am and I am not getting out of bed for anyone. I've thought of training the cat to go get them for me, but I'm guessing by the withering looks he gives me when I suggest it Gizmo has even less interest in getting out of my bed than I do. Yes, I can take them in the morning and that will probably be the solution I settle on. For the moment I am still holding out hope I can remember to take them before bed.

All right, you've spent enough time with me. Go on with your day and I'll go on with mine.

Thanks for reading.

Commitment & Perseverance

Tomorrow is Friday and my first four days of teaching in the 2012-2013 school year will be in the books. Tomorrow is also the end of a 3-week session at Ben's Bootcamp. Inferno month has been intense, but I made it. Well, let me amend that: tomorrow morning when I get in my car to drive home after my 5:30 am class I will have made it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay though. I might be bruised and sore, but I'll heal. I'll take a few minor inconveniences for this stronger, more fit body.

Why am I doing this? This question has been running through my mind a lot this week. I could just give some glib, easy answer, but really I'm curious. I'm uncomfortable with the attention I get, I don't have any desire or intention to "catch a man" and there are mornings I am so stiff/sore I can barely walk when I get up.

So am I just a masochist or is there a deeper reason I workout at least 3 days per week (sometimes 2 workouts in one day)? I'd like to think there's a deeper reason, if you'll indulge me I'll try to elaborate.

I used to be a person who gave up when the going got tough. If something was hard I was much more likely to walk out the door than I was to work through it. I'm not sure when that mindset changed for good, but I know it's a recent change.

Have I mentioned that I overreact? Frequently and for no good reason. "What if they don't like me?" "What if I'm not good enough?" All I can say is it must be annoying to be my friend at times because I know I get annoyed with myself.

People seem to like me, I'm an intelligent woman. It's time to stop doubting and start trusting.

Ah trust. I don't like that word. If you trust you open yourself up for hurt and I really have tried to avoid hurt and pain at all costs. That hasn't worked in case you wondered. If it had worked I probably wouldn't have used extra weight as a shield.

 In the last 8 months I have learned I am stronger than I thought. I've learned that if you hang in there through the discomfort you will make progress. I've learned that making a commitment to yourself is never a wasted effort.

It's not easy, there are still mornings I look at the clock and think how much I don't want to get up, get in the car and go anywhere. Most mornings I get up and do it anyway. Not every morning I'm not perfect, but most mornings I get up and do what I need to do. I always feel better after.

I have strength I didn't realize I had inside. When I think I can't do one more rep I pause, take a deep breath and do it anyway. I owe it to the girl who thought she was worthless. She wasn't and she's coming out of her shell. Be ready world...

I'd like to leave you with a quote I really like.

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Thanks for reading.

Welcome Back?

The 2012-2013 school year is officially underway for teachers. Our first day of inservice was Wednesday. I began my morning at 5:30 am with a bootcamp class. The workout was Betty Lou (formerly 2 for 20). You have 2 minutes to get through a list of 5 exercises and if you finish early you can rest until the next 2 minute interval starts. Would you care to hazard a guess about how many times in 10 rounds I finished and had time to rest. Exactly 2 times. The first time I got 5 seconds, the second about 3 seconds.

I am NOT complaining in case you wondered. If I had tried that workout 8 months ago I wouldn't have made it and no way would I have been doing squat presses or renegade rows with 25 pound weights. It's probably time to move up to 30 pounds, but I tend to hang on to the weight I've been using until an instructor tells me to up it. I can and do push myself more often, but there's still that fear in the back of my mind that I won't be able to do it.

Then it was rush home shower and dress for inservice. Choosing clothes is so easy with about 5 wardrobe choices. Don't worry, I do have plans to add to my wardrobe, but it will be slow. I'm not going to go spend a lot of money on clothes that I don't plan to wear for long. I don't always know how to dress this new body and as often happens when I'm unsure I hesitate or do nothing.

I did manage to get dressed and I was only a couple of minutes late for the 7:30 am start time. I could have been on time or a little early, but I procrastinate and don't prep my lunch ahead of time. I'll learn...someday I will learn.

It was a little uncomfortable for someone who used to fly under the radar. I got so many compliments about how wonderful I am looking. I am pretty sure I said thank you to every person who complimented me, but if you are reading this and I didn't thank you: I apologize! I appreciate everyone who takes the time to tell me I am looking good. I feel so much better, it's amazing.

I did get one "compliment" that sort of threw me. Actually it wasn't given directly to me. It was given to a friend and she told me about it. Someone asked if I had Lap-Band surgery over the summer.

I want to start off by making it clear that I have NOTHING against surgery. Nothing at all. I know people who have had Lap-Band surgery as well as others who have had gastric bypass surgery. I think the decision to have surgery or not is personal and everyone needs to decide what is right for them. I chose to really commit myself to eating correctly (most of the time) and exercising as much as I can. I am not saying my way is the best and only way: I'm saying it's working for me and I couldn't be happier. I'm not getting up on a soapbox and preaching my way over any other way. I'm indulging my lifelong desire to be a writer and maybe (hopefully) letting other people know it is possible to transform your life.

Yes, when I first heard about that question I was hurt. Really hurt in fact. I'm not hurt anymore. I am flattered that someone thought I looked that good.

I also had Warrior Class last night. I love that class. I get to lift and move and push myself beyond what I think I can do.  I did double kettlebell squats with the red kettlebells. Yes, Tyler had to help me lift them, but I did the squats. Then we did Sumo deadlifts and sled pulls. By the time class ended I was finished, but it felt good.

I noticed again that things that used to be really hard (sometimes they felt impossible) like Bear Crawls, Plate Pushes and Sled Pulls aren't as difficult. They're not easy, but I can do it. When I dig deep now there is strength to pull out. Not always very much strength, but something to pull out.

I almost hit the wall tonight with Pile On. It was a tough workout and I went in sore from yesterday. Then I compounded the problem by bear crawling right into a 25 pound dumbbell. It hurt at the time and I've broken my toes enough to know how it feels, but I am above all stubborn. It wasn't intense pain and I wanted the workout. My left knee was achy too, probably from so much sitting today so I had to make some modifications to baby it a little, but I was not stopping.

By the end of the workout I had my nose pressed against the wall and the tears were threatening to spill over. I was worn out and sore, but I held it together. I was proud for finishing and then I got top performer. I did not expect that at all. I never expect it, I don't really see my performance as standing out. I focus inward and try to keep the nagging, doubting voice at bay. That, I am happy to report, is getting easier. I can silence that nasty little voice now. Not always, but more often than not.

So what did I learn from my past 2 days?

1. Make sure the weights are out of the way!
2. A compliment is a compliment, even if it doesn't sound like it at first.
3. I have been working in the same school for 3 years now and I STILL get nervous before the first day.
4. This isn't the life I planned, but it is an amazing gift I won't squander.

Thanks for reading...I appreciate it.