Is this me?

I have had occasion to ask myself that question a lot in the past 11 months. I'm still not sure I have an answer, because I seem to be changing. I'm not the person I was 11 months ago. Most days I am self-assured and I feel confidence in myself and my abilities. Not always, but more often than ever before. I don't look in the mirror, grimace and turn away as much anymore. Now I study the person looking back and I don't hate her. I may not always love her, but I like what I see. I still don't see the changes other people do, but I am wise enough to know I might never see what others see.

I LOVE to exercise. I don't jump out of bed at 5 am loving it, but by the time I am done I am thankful I left my bed and my purring cats and got to sweat alongside so many great, inspiring people. I genuinely miss working out when I don't. I'm also branching out and getting braver with what I will do. I have been a creature of habit in the past. I would do bootcamp and only bootcamp. Now I do bootcamp, Power 90 workouts, All Star Workout, I jog/run and I am looking forward to starting to hike and snowshoe soon.

Finally, finally, finally I've figured out that food is nothing more than fuel for my body. It can't make a hard day go away, it can't make me feel better when I want to cry and it won't protect me from anything. When I have a hard day physical activity is the best thing for me and it works better than a pint of ice cream. When I want to cry I am learning to let go and do just that. I still prefer to do that by myself, but I know crying in front of others is not the end of the world. It is what it is. As for feeling safe...food didn't protect me, it was never designed to protect me. I am getting stronger, leaner, faster and wiser. There are things in the world I cannot protect myself from. My job is to live this life I was given and enjoy it.

The Ben's Bootcamp Camper of the Year has been announced. It wasn't me, but the person who won was an excellent choice. I thought I would mind not being chosen. I'm finding I don't. I wasn't looking for that kind of recognition. It would have been nice, I would have appreciated it, but at the end of the day I am not working as hard as I am just to get attention.

I am working this hard for MYSELF. This transformation is about me, and yes it feels pretty selfish to say that. It probably is pretty selfish, but it's the truth. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I don't want to sound mean or ungrateful, but I have to take care of myself. I love my family and friends and by taking care of myself I am better able to be there for them when I'm needed.

I hope that didn't come across sounding as if I don't appreciate the time and energy my instructors have given me, I DO appreciate it. I have thanked them numerous times, and meant it every single time. The reality is if I am doing this only to please Ben, Ami, Ty, Mary, Stacey or anyone else I'm not going to be able to keep going. Others can encourage me, support me and guide me, but they can't motivate me: that has to come from within.

End of the year numbers will be coming soon. I'll even step on my dreaded nemesis, the scale, so I can report that number as well.

I'll have to sit down soon and map out my goals for 2013. No resolutions, just thinking about where I came from and where I am heading.

I know a few things on my calendar for 2013 already:

1. Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. (Yes, I was going to do the Tinkerbell Half-Marathon, but the logistics weren't working out so that has been deferred until January 2014)

2. Tough Mudder in August. I have a team of friends I will be doing this with. I'm excited and more than a little nervous about this, but I have time to prepare.

Other than that I would like to make the Wall of Fame by the end of 2013. We shall see....

For the moment I have gifts to finish up and wrap. Merry Christmas to all of you!

Thanks for reading...