Looking back

It's been almost a year now since this journey started. At the beginning I wasn't sure what I'd gotten myself into or if I would/could/should continue. Obviously I kept going, or I wouldn't be writing this blog still. I love to write and all, but not enough to keep rambling on for close to a year. My life isn't that fascinating, trust me.

Yesterday I braved driving on some crappy roads for personal training and measurements. I don't regret the personal training. Having my measurements done, well, if I tell myself enough times that they are just numbers eventually I'm going to believe it. That's one of my HUGE areas of weakness still. I've grown and changed in many ways, but I still look at those inches and percentages and think they speak to my worth as a person.

NOT TRUE: they are numbers pure and simple. They let me know that I need to pay more attention and bypass those foods I know I shouldn't eat too much of, but they are numbers. Those numbers don't tell you that I started out the year not able to make it across the studio doing inchworms, but now I can without being out of breath. They won't tell you that I am so focused when I workout that I don't notice something like a fingernail I ripped until I get home and notice blood on my finger. Those numbers sure as hell won't tell you I didn't quit when super sore muscles, knee injuries, a sprained ankle or sore back would have made it easy to walk away. In short, those numbers tell you nothing about who I REALLY am.

I also decided late last night/early this morning that I had the wrong perspective on my measurements. Sure, they went up from November, but they are way down from January 2012. That's the whole point after all: not to get down and give up based on a month that wasn't as great as it could have been, but to look to where I came from. To remember walking in that studio and wishing to sink into the floor and going to hide in a corner to work out, not wanting to talk to anyone. To look at that first picture and see the miserable look on my face. To remember how I felt like the Biggest Mooser contest was the last thing I was trying, then I was finished with it all.

Now I enjoy walking into the studio, even if there are days I look at the board and debate walking right back out. In pictures now I usually smile and it reaches my eyes. I know now I have the tools and the experts around me to accomplish whatever I want to.

Yes, yes...we are getting to the numbers. I'm hanging back because I want to really emphasize what's important and it isn't those numbers. This journey isn't about numbers: it's about growing and changing, preparing myself for whatever the next steps in my life are going to be and being ready to meet those challenges head on without too much fear and whining. Seriously, you really think I'm going to face change without whining about it?? I haven't changed that much!

I've dragged this on long enough I guess: it's time for those numbers now.

January 2012
Weight: 293
Body Fat Percentage: 37.9%
Hips: 54.75"
Waist: 44"
Thigh: 27.75"
Arm: 14.5"
Clothing Size: 24 (I could squeeze into a 22, but it was uncomfortable)

December 2012
Weight: 253
Body Fat Percentage: 29.9%
Hips: 49.25"
Waist: 40.25"
Thigh: 26.75"
Arm: 14.5"
Clothing Size: 16

Total Loss
Weight: 40 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 8%
Hips: 5.5"
Waist: 3.75"
Thigh: 1"
Arm: stayed the same, but you can feel more muscle now
Clothing Sizes: 4

I thought about not sharing those numbers at all to be honest. They looked so much better last month, but I'm not about trying to impress anyone. I'm about being honest and hoping that maybe in some way, knowing where I am and what I'm thinking could inspire or encourage someone else. Maybe those numbers aren't all that impressive to anyone else, but they are fantastic and completely amazing to me: I know how hard I've worked to achieve what I have.

Am I done now? Nope, not even close. I have never really sat down to think about when I would be done or how I would know. I just know I'm not at a place where I would want to stop. I am at a place where I am seeing the things my body can do and I'm intrigued to see what else I'm capable of. I do need to sit down and ponder my goals for 2013. I know weight goals won't be a part of it, the scale doesn't change very often and it is disheartening at times, so I'm backing away from it. I need to appreciate and be thankful for what I have accomplished, not angry and depressed because the scale won't budge.

I will continue to blog in 2013, so if you're interested you're welcome to come along for the ride. I'd love the company.

Thanks for reading.