What's my biggest fear? It's quite simple: I am afraid I do not have what it takes to maintain the level of fitness I've achieved or the weight I've shed. So how have I handled that?
I'm pretty sure I'll be able to maintain the weight loss, I don't have much of an appetite lately. If it weren't for smoothies I don't know if I'd bother to try to eat. I used to be a stress eater, I never met any chocolate I didn't like especially when I felt cornered and trapped. This time I wanted to hide, I wanted to fight, but I didn't want chocolate. That's progress. I would happily live without the churning feeling when I do eat, but not wanting chocolate is just fine with me.
As far as my fitness goes, working out has kept me sane. I have come to the realization that I am pushing myself too hard though: I'm tired. I still love to work out, but I might need to smarten up and give myself a break. I hurt more than I used to.
There's a huge problem: I don't want to go back to where I started. I've worked so hard in the past 2 years that the idea I could slide back scares me. It's not rational, but there it is. I don't want to let anyone down, myself included, so I push. I finally almost like myself: I don't want to be back to the place where I hate what I see in the mirror. I want to feel strong and proud of what I can do.
I think I finally realized tonight I need to slow down a little. I love lifting heavy, I love pushing my limits, but tonight during personal training I wasn't sure I had it in me to complete my last round with the prowler. I was tired and I ached. I wanted to quit, but I won't let myself or my instructors down like that. YES, I still find myself worrying I'll let Ben, Tyler or Mary down. They have invested A LOT of time and energy in me: the least I can do is repay that by giving my all every time I step into the studio.
I will continue to work out, but I am going to slow down a little bit and use some common sense. I wasn't graced with a lot of common sense, but I have enough to know how to slow down. At least I'm pretty sure I do. I will ask that my friends remind me there is no prize for injuring myself. I respond to smacks in the back of the head, a Gibbs' head slap, for any NCIS fans out there.
I know this is short, but I will leave you with a quote I found this morning that I plan to put into practice in my life. There are some battles that I just don't care enough about to fight. End of story.
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