Break Time

Another bootcamp session is over. The down week has started and I'm not planning on completing another workout until Monday, October 15. There are classes and activities planned for the down week, I could certainly go and exercise. The fact is I've been asked not to. Tyler suggested that I use the down week to rest. I argued, but it was a pretty half-hearted argument.

I know Tyler is right: I need to rest. My aching lower back, glutes and knees make that pretty clear. Something else made it even clearer: my attitude. For the first time in many months I have not wanted to work out. I did work out, but I don't think any of the instructors were fooled. "I" wasn't really there. I gave what I could, but I didn't have any "all" to give.

Since I've been honest in the past I'll be honest now too:

1. I'm exhausted. I think I've cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 9 months. I cry after workouts, because I hurt and because I know what I just did was nothing close to the best I could do. That bothers me.

2. I'm afraid: I'm supposed to run a half-marathon in January and right now I don't see any possible way I will be able to do it. Friends have told me I can walk, as long as I can complete a mile in 16 minutes or less I can do it. The thing is I want to run. I want to feel what I felt in June when I finished my first 5K. That surge of happiness that I did something I never thought I could. I don't feel that now: running has become a chore and one I resent whole-heartedly.

3. I'm angry: I posted a status on Facebook saying I wanted to see how many more people I could make unhappy on Tuesday and a friend emailed me to say she wasn't angry or unhappy. My thought at the time was "So glad you're not angry or unhappy: I'm angry and unhappy enough for both of us". She also reminded me that I have to do what is best for me, not always worry about what everyone else thinks. Which leads nicely into #4...

4. I'm worried: Needing this break and actually taking it I worry I am letting people down. Yeah, I know, I spend WAY too much time worrying. I need to take care of myself too. I think the aches and exhaustion are my body's way of getting my attention.

I'm not going to go on a week-long binge however. I am going to be very careful with my nutrition. My goal is to be on the Ben's Bootcamp Wall of Fame some day. I'd like to be someone new bootcampers feel they can talk to. Right now I feel about as approachable as a porcupine. That will change. I don't think I'll ever be outgoing, but I will at least be approachable again.

So during the down week I'm going to rest and regroup. I'm going to set new goals. I will figure out where I need to go next and how best to get there. If I take the time to really listen and ask for help, I am sure I will get where I am supposed to be.

Thanks for taking the time to read...