As you might be able to guess from the title I am in a doubting frame of mind at the moment. I do know how to handle this without whining to all the people who take time out of their day to read my blog, but this is my journey and I'm being honest. If I make every post all sunshine and joy I'm not being honest and I'm not being real. This journey isn't always easy. I will keep the whining to a minimum.
It's been a hard week. I seem to be fighting a cold at the moment which usually makes me crabby. My workouts this week seemed to be more about going through the motions and praying to get to the end than taking any real joy in what I can do now. Don't get me wrong: I definitely appreciate what I can do now, but this week it didn't bring me any joy.
Monday morning I got my 10th top performer dog tag after bootcamp. I get my next month of personal training free. That's a huge deal and I should have been thrilled. Instead I really wanted to question the instructor to find out what I did that was good. It was all I could to haul my butt through that workout.
I KNOW I am my own worst critic and I am 100 times harder on myself than is ever warranted, so I bit my tongue and said thank you. I put on a good face and I really did appreciate the recognition, even if it felt completely undeserved. I have to trust that my instructor sees something I don't and he definitely knows what he's doing and talking about.
Tuesday I brought a friend to bootcamp with me. She did an amazing job & she is still speaking to me even if she was sore. Again, I felt like I was hauling my butt through the workout and my only goal was to get it done so I could leave. That's not me, that attitude hasn't been mine since the beginning of the mooser competition.
Wednesday was Warrior Class, which I normally love. I enjoyed it this week, but not like I normally do. The goal was to complete 7 rounds of the exercises before the end of class.
1 round consisted of
10 kettlebell snatches (each arm)
6 tire flips (the tire flips hurt my back so it was modified to 12 Goblet Squats with a 30 pound dumbbell)
1 pond run (modified to a Birch run and I had to keep running the entire time)
8 double kettlebell clean, squat, presses
10 sledgehammer slams (each arm)
I made it through 6 and that was a struggle. I hit the wall at the end of round 6 and I was done. I stretched out my aching back, glutes and hamstrings and wondered what the heck was wrong with me.
Someone who is much wiser than me suggested that I need a break. That I have been pushing myself for a long while now and it might be time to use the down week as a break to give my body and mind time to regroup and renew so I can focus on my goals again and avoid injury.
The idea of a complete break and a week where I only think about being compliant with my nutrition scares me. I agree it's probably needed and I'll be better for it.
This morning I stood in front of my nemesis the scale. I haven't weighed myself since the last measurements and I wasn't looking forward to doing it this morning. I know the scale gives me a number that means nothing, but years of brainwashing have convinced me that number is important too. Unfortunately that number has pretty much stalled or gone up since the beginning of August. I was expecting the same this morning and was fully prepared to see that 258 pounds had gone up again.
I got a pleasant surprise, it was down to 256. I know my body isn't the same, but I'd really appreciate the scale giving me the same information. People are always shocked when I tell them my weight really hasn't changed much since May. My inches and body fat percentage have changed a lot and I try to focus on that, but that number on the scale still means something too.
So at the end of the day: I'm human. I get discouraged and pissed off with situations that are really none of my business, but irritating nonetheless. I whine and complain and forget I am not alone in this. I promised I wouldn't preach at you in my blog, and I won't. Thank you God for your strength (and thank you to KC and JA for the reminders that I'm not ever in this alone).
Thanks for reading...back to your regularly scheduled day now.
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