I'm back!

I'm home from vacation and ready to write. For those curious about where I've been and why I haven't updated my blog in some time I decided to do something really radical: I took a vacation. I spent 2 weeks with a dear friend in Roanoke, Virginia and on Staten Island, NY.

Nutrition was good overall. I did skip breakfast a few times, because I just wasn’t hungry, but I tried to remember what I’ve learned about supportive eating and follow that. I like my routines after all.
I also managed to keep up on exercising while enjoying time with my friend and her family. Really 30-35 minutes of exercise first thing in the morning didn't alter any plans and it gave me more energy to face the day. Some days I used the Ben's Bootcamp DVD's but many days I chose to make up my own routine and do that. Each session started with the warm up we do before Bootcamp workouts and I added holding a plank for 1 minute 30 seconds to the beginning and end of my workouts.

On days I chose not to do a DVD I usually did 50 burpees (some days 60), 45 seconds of high knees, 40 push ups (I can do about 15 on my toes now, I'm working for 20), 50 jump squats. I even found a way to do Bulgarian split squats using furniture (a note on that: be sure what you use DOES NOT slide across the floor or you could be in for a huge surprise. No injuries, but I got a good laugh).

I also did a couple of days swimming laps with my friend. She's a strong swimmer, me not so much. I did at least 20 lengths in the pool each time we went swimming. It was not easy getting in that bathing suit and then taking off the cover-up so I could swim. Let's be honest, I felt awkward and fat. The truth of the matter was not what I was "seeing" in the mirror. My friend told me I was definitely shrinking and the bathing suit looked great. That was gratifying to hear...so gratifying.

Taking compliments is still hard. I get the thank you part out just fine, then I have to remind myself to stop. There is no need to continue on with how I am not at my goal and I still have to shop in the Plus Size department in most stores (not Old Navy anymore though: WOO HOO!!!). Those things are true, but someone telling me how good I am looking does not need to know that. They deserve a heartfelt thank you. I don't mind sharing my goals and my progress, I do that frequently and freely. I need to be gracious and accept compliments as they are given.

More exciting news: I lost 2 more pounds on vacation. :) So the grand total since January 2012 is 38 pounds lost. I was not in town when measurements were done, so I don't have those numbers to report this time. I think that's okay though. I know things are continuing to change by the way my clothes are fitting and I don't want to be so caught up in numbers that I forget this transformation is about more than weight loss or body fat percentage. At the core of the transformation is knowing that I am worth the time and effort I am finally putting into myself.

For those of you wondering how airplane seats feel now I am thrilled to report that I fit easily and comfortably in the seats on JetBlue flights. When I fastened my seat belt yesterday I had to tighten it so it fit. I’m not great at judging length, but I probably had 9-10 inches of extra belt. I remember very clearly when the belt was adjusted to be as big as it would go and it was snug. Not anymore and not ever again.

Now I have 3 days at home to prepare for 2 weeks of VMI. The best news is I am in my third year of the program and in May 2013, if all goes according to plans, I will graduate from UVM with a master’s degree. I’ll let that thought carry me through Calculus July 23-July 27. That and knowing I can only do the best I can do, no one will get more than that. I will give the class and material 100%, but I will not worry myself sick over what I can’t quite process and understand yet. That’s something else this transformation has done for me: I’ve learned to listen to myself, I know my limits and when I need a break and I won’t apologize for that. If I won’t take care of myself I can’t expect anyone else to either.

I am not sure if I will post any updates in the next two weeks we’ll see how much homework I have to contend with, but definitely stay tuned.
As always thanks for reading!

New me?

Me again! Are you surprised? Trust me I am too. Normally I lose interest in blogs and diaries after the first few weeks. Apparently I've hit on something important to me and I have something to say.

If you are one of those people who like to read the end of a book before you start you may have noticed some pictures at the end of this post. I'll get to those. Be patient.

Lots of things running through my head at the moment.

1. Packing for my vacation from June 26 to July 10, though that won't exactly be hard with 2 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of capris, 2 pairs of shorts and about 5 t-shirts that I think are okay to wear in public. I have more clothing to wear to exercise than I do to wear at other times. Trust me, I am not complaining at all. I'm enjoying this a lot. Putting together an outfit is so easy with the limited choices.

2. What will this summer's VMI classes be like? I am pretty sure Statistics 3 won't be too bad. Calculus 1, well let's say I try hard not to think about that at all because it gives me heart palpitations. I've heard from others who have been through VMI that I need to prepare myself for Calculus 1 to be difficult and to just hang on through the week.

3. Were bathing suits designed as torture devices??? UGH! I have 3 bathing suits. 1 a size 22 I wore last summer, very nice, but it kind of hangs on me now. The other 2 very nice, cute Land's End suits in a size 18 that do fit me. The problem is I feel AWFUL in them.

4. When my free boot camp is over how many days per week should I go and will I be able to maintain this weight loss without showing up at every boot camp class I can make it to? This last question really does occupy most of the thoughts. I'm in completely new and uncharted territory and it's exciting and more than a little scary. Ben has told me before 3 days of boot camp classes and then some other form of exercise another 3 days. He's the professional he knows what he's talking about, I should trust him right? Right! Do I? Ummm....

Let me say right now that I DO trust Ben. I let him spot me and get in my personal space and when he tells me to correct my form I do my best to do exactly as he says. The hard part for me with trusting him on what my workout schedule should be is that I know myself and I know left to my own devices I used to like sitting a lot more than being active. I do think that has changed now I find myself sitting for a little bit and getting restless, I want to be up moving. I can run, I have cardio days on Thursday mornings. I can take ABS class and I can sign up for Warrior class. Now, thanks to my school district I can also take Wellness Center classes for free. I've got this right?? So why does it feel like it will all fall apart if I take away the structure of boot camp?

Now, you've been patient so on to the pictures. The one on the left was taken at the conclusion of the Mooser competition. The one on the right was taken on Tuesday, June 19 (yes I need to reset the date on my digital camera. Love the camera, but the date function just doesn't work right. I set it, it resets itself.)  I love that I am wearing size 16 jeans and a tank top in size 14/16. The tank top isn't skin tight either. I notice a little more definition in my arms too. Actually I notice a lot of muscles that I didn't know about before. Who knew I had muscles in the backs of my legs?? I do have hip bones and I can feel them now, they don't stick out, but there isn't as much fat covering them. It's amazing.

Thanks for reading...now back to your day and I'm going to go on with mine.

Too Honest?

I wonder sometimes right before I click the publish button and send my words out into cyberspace to be read by others if I am being too honest. Is there really any such thing and should I really be concerned about it? The people who read this know that they don't have to read every word I write, they can skim or skip a post if it doesn't interest them. These are the things I think about though when I can't sleep.

There are things that I haven't shared on this blog and very likely won't share, very few things I'll admit. I love to write and maybe somehow by putting my thoughts and feelings down I can help someone else. Maybe not, but I prefer to think when I'm inspired to write and post there is a reason and a purpose for it and all I need to do is write. Yes, I do believe in God, I am not going to beat anyone over the head with that or preach, that's not me. If you ask me I'll talk to you about it, but I am not going to force my beliefs and ideas on anyone.

So what brought all these thoughts about honesty? I'll be happy to tell you, but first a question:

Was I invisible before I lost 36 pounds?

Seriously, at my heaviest I was 309 pounds at the start of the Biggest Mooser competition I was 293 pounds so I somehow doubt I was invisible, even if I wanted to be.

I'll be the first to admit I wanted to be invisible. I didn't like myself at all. I was unhappy and I stayed under the radar as much as possible. Now I don't seem to be invisible and I'm curious about that.

Is it that I don't sit back silently as often now? That is a change. Where I might have been content to be in the background before now I want people to know I do have thoughts and opinions. Not all the time, much of the time I still sit back and observe what goes on around me, but rest assured if I need to speak up, I will.

A major pet peeve that has never been an issue before is people asking me if I want a boyfriend or a husband. 36 pounds ago that question never came up, or it came up so rarely I don't remember it coming up. I can just give you my quick, sarcastic answer: NOPE, NEVER! The truth is I might want that someday, but first I need to like myself. No way can I give to someone else when I'm not always willing to give to myself. Sometimes you do need to take care of #1 first. I'm not saying I only think of myself and what I want, but I do sometimes remember that I'm important and I need to take care of myself.

I have wonderful friends and family who will and do take care of me, but mostly that is my job. I have to know when I've reached my limit or when I need time to myself. I have to know when someone is asking me to meet their needs and I just can't do it. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser nothing makes me feel worse than having to say no. It might cause more stress to say yes, but I like making people happy.

Hi, I'm Kim a perfectionist, people pleaser. Where's my support group? That question I can answer.

Ben's Boot Camp is my support group. I am learning to listen to my body and slowly figuring out just how far I can push without causing injury. For example as much as I want to do kneel-to-stands my knees won't allow it. I might kneel, but it's going to take a lot of effort and time to get back to the stand part. So as much as I hate modifying and as weak as it makes me feel I do modify. I do squats instead and I put all my effort into them. Someday I will be able to do the kneel-to-stands. When I started boot camp I did all my push ups on my knees. I worked hard on my form and made them the best push ups I could do. Low and behold after 6 months of push ups I can do more on the toes. That's an amazing feeling.

I know boot camp is not my only support. I have amazing friends and family who have always been there for me and I've made new friends who help me push myself and remind me to look at what I can do, not what I still struggle with.

If I am completely honest I have no idea what my ultimate goals for myself are. I know I want to compete in Tough Mudder next year, but I know that isn't the end. As for what clothing size I want to be: I have no idea. I will be in uncharted territory as soon as I reach a size 14. I've never been there before and I know I said I want to be in a size 12 by the end of 2012, but beyond that I'm not sure. Any advice or ideas feel free to let me know. I'm definitely not too proud to admit when I need help...and I need help!

Thanks for reading my ramblings on a beautiful, warm Vermont day. I hope it's just as nice wherever you are.

Work In Progress

I posted 2 days ago, so what could I possibly have to say today? Quite a lot as it turns out.

Hi! I'm Kim and I'm a perfectionist. Actually one of the founding members and the Vice President of a group a friend and I have decided to start: Perfectionists Anonymous.

Not that my perfectionist bent is news to me, but I've never had the lesson brought home in such a powerful way as today. Don't worry...you'll get all the details. This is my diary after all and you get me: the good, the bad and the ugly.

Monday is a 5:30 am bootcamp day. Normally that is wonderful and I look forward to it. Last night I could not shut off my mind long enough to get much sleep so I was cranky when I got up. Even the dog looked at me this morning and decided he had urgent business in a different part of the house. As much as I love Seb it's possible he is not the smartest dog in the world so for him to notice I was not in a good mood was significant.

I arrived at bootcamp almost late (a theme for the day...<SIGH>) and started warming up. No problems yet, though holding the bird dog planks still eludes me. Then the workout: Ladders. Lots of exercises I'm not so good at, or have never done before and some kettle bell and dumb bell moves I don't mind at all.

Side Star Planks were not something I had ever tried before today. Side planks sure, those aren't my favorite, but I can do them. Got my arm up and my legs felt like they were glued together. The instructor reminded us we were supposed to have 1 leg up and I snapped right back "YES WE PROBABLY SHOULD!" Instant shame...Ugh...what did I say that for? I NEVER speak to instructors that way...ever. I just don't do it.

Most of the day I thought about that comment and my rotten attitude after that. Did I celebrate doing my first ever roadkill plank?? Nope- I was way too busy pouting about those side star planks and feeling bad that I was so rude.

I know what to do when I mess up and I apologized to the instructor for what I said. She was gracious and accepted the apology so I feel better about that, except it's a reminder that I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect and I am constantly and forever a work in progress.

Other than bootcamp my day was good. I finished the drafts of reports I needed to before my meetings tomorrow. I am ready to move into my new room with my new roommate and I got to share my accomplishment in the 5K this weekend with colleagues who have been supporting and encouraging me all along.  Yes I still need to finalize a few files and make sure papers and reports are put away properly, but it's doable and will take maybe 30 minutes when I start.

I need to remember what I couldn't do not so long ago and focus on the successes and victories each day brings. I'm not proud that I snapped at an instructor this morning, but I am proud that I owned that and apologized. I'm proud that I did my first roadkill plank. I'm proud that even though Ladders frustrated and challenged me I finished the workout.

I'm learning and growing and changing every day. Even days like today when I'm impatient and I want a fast forward button to get me where I want to be NOW I should sit back and count my blessings.

Thanks for reading...back to your regularly scheduled evening now.

What a Great Saturday!

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Mostly I chalk that up to being busy. The school year ended (2 more teacher days, but the student days are over), I went on an amazing trip to Boston with the fifth graders (I'd forgotten how much I enjoy Boston) & I squeezed in a weekend trip to New York City to spend time with a dear friend and her 4 kiddos. Great times, lots of laughs and amazing memories.

I have managed to keep up with exercising too. This week I did 3 bootcamp classes and ABS (Abs, Butt and Shoulders) class. Plus on Tuesday morning Lisa and I went running again. The week before I went to 1 bootcamp class and participated in a Derby Elementary tradition: The Cornfield Mile Run. My time for the cornfield mile (actually 1.2 miles) was 18 minutes, 17 seconds, not bad at all.

I'm still working on figuring out which days I will want to work out when bootcamp is no longer free for me. I love the 5:30 am workouts since by the time I am truly awake and alert the workout is over. Nothing like working out half-asleep. I also love the Tuesday, Thursday 4:15 classes. Hmmm....Maybe I just keep saving money and commit to 5 days a week of bootcamp. We'll see. I know I can run and join Lisa and Hailey for cardio days, so maybe I should only think about 3 days per week and work on getting my own routines in place on the off days.

Today was a PERFECT Saturday, blue sky, sunshine, warm temperature with a nice breeze and a 5K race. My very first race ever. Very exciting and a great feeling to get to the end.

Let's be clear about this: I NEVER expected in a million years to ever run anything. Even if I was being chased by a wild animal intent on making me a meal I didn't think I'd ever run. Running isn't easy, my left ankle is wrapped and it looks like I need to wrap my right one too at least for a little while. My knees are holding up well. The thing I have the most trouble with is my breathing, but even that is coming along and getting easier as I continue practicing. I need to learn patience.

I had some great friends to join me on the run this morning. Lisa, Jule, Angie, Dawn, Lisa and Hailey were amazing support. Hailey, Angie & Dawn actually were headed back to the Frontier Animal Shelter and crossed back over to stay with Lisa, Lisa, Jule and me. How wonderful is that?? Then Hailey and Lisa kept pace with me and encouraged me to run and not get discouraged by what I couldn't do, but to focus on what I could do. Hailey reminded me that 18 weeks ago I completely changed my life and it takes time for it to all come together and I have to focus on the success, not the things that are still hard.

So in the interest of focusing on the success I am THRILLED to report that we finished the 5K in 35 minutes. My goal was to finish in less than an hour, so I'd say I met that goal.

I'll be on the lookout for my next 5K...and the next one my goal is to run more of it. Not sure how far I ran today, but I know I ran more than I've run before. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

Thanks for reading and here's a quote I found recently that I really like:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." ~Thoreau

Tire Flips, Measurements and a New Size: Oh My!

You'll be happy to hear it's been a much better week and this blog post won't be whiny or depressing. This is, of course, assuming there is anyone left reading after my last few posts.

I started the week off on Monday with a run with my friend Lisa. The route was 2.1 miles. We alternated running and walking and probably ran about a mile when we were all done. It felt  great.

Tuesday was bootcamp. The workout was GREAT! Rope Pull Pushups, Toe Touch Planks, Tire Flips and Banded Punches. I LOVED the tire flips. Lifting the tire and then pushing it and letting it slam to the floor was amazing. I felt like all my stress was being squashed under that tire. The tire was about 330 pounds and I could flip it. YEAH!

Wednesday morning was Yogalates. A different kind of workout, but every bit as tough as a bootcamp class.

Thursday morning was cardio and abs work with Hailey and Lisa.

Friday...(drum roll) Measurements and Open Gym. When I rolled out of bed at 5 am I had no intention of working out. I was going to go get my measurements taken then come home and sleep some more before work. I got to the studio and started warming up since Ben was already measuring someone else.  At that point I still thought I would get measured and leave, but while I was warming up I read the board. It was a 12-11-10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 workout and the exercises were pull ups, squat press, walking lunges, renegade rows & burpee pushups. Then I went to get measured (results in a moment) and Ben asked if I was going to workout barefoot. At that point I decided I was going to try a barefoot workout. My ankle is as strong as its ever been and my knees don't ache nearly as much, so working out barefoot didn't seem out of the question. To make a long story just a little less long I enjoyed working out barefoot, my balance sure seemed better and my arches didn't ache. I might need to think about working out barefoot more often. :) Oh...thanks Ben for telling me since I was already there I might as well workout. You were right (not that I should be surprised by that any more.)

All right, so on to the measurements portion of this post. Thanks for indulging me. :)

From April 30 to May 25:
Body fat percentage: lost 1.5% ( I am now at 30.5% body fat)
Hips: Lost 0.5 inches (now 50.75 in.)
Waist: Lost 1.5 inches (now 39.5 in.)
Thighs: Gained 2 inches (now 27 in) ~Not upset with this at all
Arms: Lost 0.25 inches (now 14.25 in)

The scale says in a month's time I've lost 1 pound. I've decided I don't like the scale very much. :)

And...
*Did 10 Burpee Pushups on my toes. YES! :)
*2 pull ups. :)
*THE SIZE 16 JEANS FIT!!! (a little snug in the waist and hips, but they button and zip and I can breathe and bend over)

So how many inches & pounds have I lost in all since this journey began in January 2012?

Body Fat Percentage: Lost 7.4%
Hips: Lost 4 inches
Waist: Lost 4.5 inches
Thighs: Lost 1 inch
Arms: Lost 0.25 inches
Weight: Lost 36 pounds

So did the measurements change my entire outlook this week? They definitely helped, but it was much more than that. I have amazing friends and instructors who offered lots of advice and support last week and that helped even more. Part of it was also me realizing that this is my journey and my transformation and if I want my emotions to change I'm in charge of those too. I've worked my butt off (literally) to get where I am physically and now I need to bring that same focus to bear on the emotional & mental "stuff". Time to clear out that baggage the way I've been emptying my closet. 

Stay tuned and thanks for reading!

Seriously?

Okay, so if you happened upon this blog hoping for some inspiration you might want to run away now. I'm going to attempt to work through some thoughts here and it's probably not going to be pretty or entertaining. If you choose to read on thank you, if you run now I don't blame you one bit.

I know what to do when I hit a bump in the road physically: I keep going. Figuring out what to do when I hit an emotional bump is so much harder. Hiding isn't really an option though it sounds like a good plan. I find myself looking in the mirror and wondering who exactly I am now. People tell me I look and act differently. I don't see a change at all.

So now I'm a little lost, a little confused and for the first time ever I'm not turning to food for comfort. In fact I don't want to eat at all. I know I have to, so I do, but I don't want anything. It feels so vain and stupid to be worried about who the person in the mirror is. She still looks the same to me, nothing has changed and I should just let it go. Who cares really?

I care, because the truth is that everything has changed. The clothes filling my closet and dressers don't fit. Well, that's not entirely true. Other than that one slip that started at my waist and wound up around my ankles at the Spring Breakfast the clothes do fit. The problem is that they fit poorly.

Then there's me. I don't know where I fit in either. Like everyone I have good days, bad days and days that I feel I need to strap on some armor to get through the next 8 hours. Then there are the days we all have when looking at an hour at a time is too much and it's a minute-to-minute thing. So I'm normal...I should quit my whining and get on with life, shouldn't I?

I can present a put-together exterior. I can say all the right things, but very little of that is reality. The reality is I am often scared and I feel like a fraud. I say I feel stronger and some days I really do and I want to roar. There are other days I feel like the weakest person in the world. I do my best to hide that.

I'll be the first to admit I don't let people see "me" very often. I strive to be a nice, kind person. I make it a point to be helpful, flexible and supportive whenever possible. The truth is that most people always stay at arm's length. I have high walls built around my heart and emotions and they don't come down. Ever.

It's not that I don't want to have friends and have fun and enjoy life. It's more that I've protected my heart from being hurt for so long it's pretty tender and easily bruised. So I keep hiding and the cycle continues.

Enter bootcamp and a group of people I don't think I deserved to meet. Ben, Tyler, Amy, and Mary are amazing instructors who have not yet told me to get lost even if I email A LOT. Then the bootcampers themselves, especially Jule, Lisa, Hailey, Eric, Theresa, Andrea and Amanda, the 5:30 am people, the 4:15 people and the 6 pm folks: You are all AMAZING! You inspire me to keep going and keep fighting and to step away from the Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Don't get me started on my family and friends who are and have been wonderful!

So yes, I'm whining and I know I am. What brought all this on? Such a simple thing really: a request for a menu so people could check in on what I'm eating and offer suggestions, feedback and support. A simple request, a reasonable request and it stopped me dead in my tracks. In the scheme of things this is a mental bump in the road and it's a tiny one...but it stopped me cold.

Wish I had some inspiration for you...some wonderful epiphany I've had that made it all make sense, but I don't. I have more questions than I have answers and at the moment I'm going to "fake it until I make it". I figure if I keep doing the right things long enough I will get where I need to be and things will click into place and you can read a blog that is at least a little inspiring and entertaining.

In the meantime thanks for reading...

5/19/2012: I decided to add my Biggest Mooser before and after pictures too.

New Goals...

So the contest has been over for more than a week now and I'll be honest: I've been floundering. Not seriously lost and in danger of giving up and going back to the way things were before, but floundering nonetheless. I've talked to other Mooser contestants and they tell me it's normal and it's okay.

It sure doesn't feel okay. For 13 weeks my life was nutrition and exercise. I knew it was getting bad when my mother asked me if I would start cooking dinner again when the Biggest Mooser competition was over. I had a reply on the tip of my tongue and as you can imagine it wasn't very nice, but then I thought about it. Life really was going to change and I had to figure it out or I was sunk.

So what did I do? Yeah, I whined, pouted and decided to go hide under a rock. Then the logistics of choosing the perfect rock to hide under cropped up and I had to scrap that plan. So back to square one and honestly the pouting and whining I was doing was grating on my nerves. I was complaining that I could have cheat meals?? Seriously, complaining because I could plan a meal when I could eat something that didn't even pretend to be supportive.

Someone told me once that I should "do what I know". Okay, I'm paraphrasing. She actually told me to write what I know, but doing what I know sounded like a plan.

What do I know? I know how to write goals. I'm a special educator. At least 5 nights a week I am dreaming that I'm writing a student's educational plan goals. At least 5 days a week I am writing goals in real life or assessing whether goals have been met. I could go off on a LOOOOOOOONG tangent about how teaching is not an 8-hour a day job, but I don't want to lose anyone who is still reading this blog, so I'll let it go (for now...it'll probably pop up eventually. You've been warned: run now).

So I sat and wrote goals for myself. I even asked for feedback and suggestions. I'm new at writing goals for myself and I'm a perfectionist I wanted to know I was doing it right.

Enough rambling, right? I'll get on with the goals...then I'll ramble some more. I know I don't need to post these or share them with another living soul, but I know myself and if I'm not accountable to someone I'm not going to work as hard. Posting it puts it out there to people who read my blog.
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NEW GOALS

Currently at 32% body fat. By the end of August 2012 I would like to be at 30%. By the end of 2012 I would like to be at 27% body fat.

Clothing:
By the end of May 2012: Size 16 jeans
By the end of July 2012: Size 14 jeans & being able to wear my black t-shirt!
By the end of 2012: Size 12 jeans

Body Measurements:End of June 2012:
Waist: 39"
Hips: 49.25”
Thigh: 24"
Arm: 13"

End of August 2012:
Waist: 36"
Hips: 46"
Thigh: 21.75"
Arm: 12.5"

Exercise/Fitness Goals:End of May 2012:
*10 pushups on my toes
*15 burpees in 1 minute
*30 seconds of Val slider army crawls without dropping
*Join the 300 club on the deadlift board

End of June 2012:
*15 pushups on my toes
*17 burpees in 1 minute
*40 seconds of Val slider army crawls without dropping
*Move up within the 300 club on the deadlift board
*1 unassisted pull-up
*Complete a 3.1 mile/5K race jogging at least 2.5 miles

My ultimate Exercise/Fitness goals:
*Complete Tough Mudder in 2013
*Complete a half marathon in January 2013

***************************************************************************

So those are my goals for myself. Please if you are reading this check in on me: email, comment, call, stop me in the hallway. I posted the goals so I would be held accountable for them.

Thanks for reading!

A part of the journey ends...

Hello faithful readers and welcome. I debated just letting this blog fade away quietly since the Biggest Mooser competition ended on April 30. It seemed the thing to do, but then I really thought about this blog and what it means.

This is my diary. I can come here and write how I'm feeling or what I'm wading through. People read what I write, I've had people tell me they enjoy what I write. So I'm going to keep this blog going. After all, I have always wanted to be a published author.

The Biggest Mooser competition is over now. It was an amazing experience, words truly can't convey my feelings about it. I made new friends, found new mentors and changed myself into someone I don't always recognize. I hear myself speak up where before I would have remained quiet. A friend was actually able to talk me into buying clothes that FIT my body, not the baggy clothing I've always preferred.

I don't see the changes other people tell me they see. I still see the same person I always have in the mirror. Now I don't hate her though. I don't look at her and wish she'd just disappear. I look now and wonder what she can accomplish. That in and of itself is an amazing victory.

Since I shared my beginning measurements and goals with you I thought I'd share the end-of-competition measurements and goals with you as well. I am thinking up some new goals for myself, but they aren't quite ready for sharing yet. Stay tuned though...I will post them here.

Still haven't perfected the drum roll so here are my final measurements. I believe I have the numbers right, but I might need to edit some if I misread Ben's handwriting.

April 30, 2012

Weight: 258 pounds (lost 35 pounds)
Body Fat Percentage: 32% (lost 5.9% body fat)
Waist: 41 inches (lost 3.0 inches)
Hips: 51.25 inches (lost 3.5 inches)
Thighs: 25 inches (3.0 inches)
Arms: 14.5 inches (stayed the same)
TOTAL INCHES LOST: 9.5 inches

Now let's check in on my goals and see how I did:

1. Weight goal: to lose 50 pounds. I lost 35 pounds I'm very pleased with that!
2. Body fat percentage goal 31.9%: I was only 0.1 of a percent away...I think I will say I met that goal (Go Me!!)
3.   Hips goal 44.75 inches: 6.5 inches to go on this one-I'm keeping this goal.
4.  Waist goal 38 inches: 3 inches to go-I'm going to keep this one as a short term objective and develop a new long-range goal.
5. Thighs goal 21.75 inches: 3.25 inches to go-another keeper!
6.  Arms goal: 12.5 inches: 2.5 inches to go-this one is a keeper too since I think once some of the arm fat goes away the inches will change. I seem to have some nice muscles developing under the jiggle.

Exercise Goals
1. Do 10 push-ups on my toes. ~Still working on this one. I get to 8 or 9 and that 10th one is just not there yet.
2. Perform 15 burpees in 1 minute. ~Work in progress: I can do 10, sometimes 12.
3. Do 12 rows in 50 seconds. ~ACHIEVED!!
4. 50 seconds of val slider army crawls without dropping to my knees. ~About those...I can go 20 seconds, so this is definitely a work in progress.
5. 1 unassisted pull-up. ~Haven't actually tried this one yet, but I will need to try.
6. Hold a 3 minute plank. ~ACHIEVED!!

As for those size 16 jeans: they are still hanging on my closet door. I can get them on, pulled up all the way and buttoned. Zipping them isn't happening YET, but it will happen. For the moment depending on the brand of jean I wear between a size 18 and 20 comfortably. That is nothing to be ashamed of!

So that is how things stand right now 3 days after the end of the Biggest Mooser. I have 6 months of free bootcamp and I plan to use those 6 months to their fullest. After that I will figure it out.

Thank you for your votes, your support and the time you've taken to read this blog. I hope you'll stay to read about what I'm up since I do plan to let you know how this whole transformation continues.

Day 86

Last weekend I cleaned out my closet and dressers and removed all of the clothes that were too big for me. They sat in my bedroom all week while I pondered what to do with them. The reasonable, logical answer was to get rid of them. The emotional, less supportive answer was that I needed to hold onto those clothes in case I regained the weight and inches I have lost. After all there were pants and shirts I was pulling out that I had never worn so shouldn't I keep them "just in case"?

That's where I've changed the most. As soon as I tacked "just in case" onto my thought I knew there was no way those clothes were staying. I bagged them all up and dropped them off where they will be worn and enjoyed by someone else.

So now I have more room in my closet. I like not having the pile of clothing in my laundry baskets, but the doubting part of my mind is not happy. The clothing I could have fallen back on is gone. If I regain what I lost I'm in the market for new clothes.

The truth I've come to terms with now is that I am not going back. The Biggest Mooser competition has changed me forever. I feel better physically and emotionally. I still get my feelings hurt too easily and I will cry at the drop of a hat.

I know something new about myself now: I AM STRONG. I am NOT the world's doormat. I still strive to be flexible, kind, helpful and accommodating, but I will not be treated like I don't matter. I do matter, I am important. I always was important, but I didn't see that.

This week is a bittersweet one. The final week of the Biggest Mooser competition. Also the final week of my second year in the Vermont Mathematics Initiative program as a "2nd year". After this weekend I will be in my final year. In May 2013 I will earn a master's degree in curriculum and instruction with a specialization in K-8 Mathematics from UVM (say that 5 times fast...or try to. I get the giggles about the second time through).

More about the Mooser Competition because honestly that's where my mind is most of the time. I'm over the sleepless nights part (thanks to some advice and a pep talk from Mary H. last Wednesday morning). The nerves and fear are still there. It is in the end a competition and it's coming to an end. That means someone will win. Honestly, when I think about my experience I can't imagine any feeling topping going on the deadlift board. Do I want to win? Of course I do-I'm as competitive as anyone else, but I've already won: I'm not afraid to live my life and go where my path takes me.

There are so many people who have supported and encouraged me through this journey...I would love to name you all here, but I know I'd forget someone and then I'd feel awful. So please know that I have so appreciated the support and the encouragement. The comments about this blog and the analogies to help me look at things in a different way have been so so helpful and motivating.

The journey isn't over yet...I'm planning new goals and objectives for myself now because I'm not finished yet. The transformation has just begun.

If you are interested next Monday morning around 8:10 am the Moosers will be at Moo92 for final measurements and announcement of the winner. You can listen online or listen on the radio. It has been wonderful getting to know Theresa, Andrea and Amanda. We've shared quite the adventure together. Ben has definitely kept his promise and kicked our butts.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the final numbers and how I did meeting my goals next week!

Day 82

Sorry about the lack of a post on Tuesday last week and this week. I wasn't feeling inspired at the time. A million things were swirling through my head, jumbled, disorganized, mostly negative thoughts. No way did I want to share those with other people. I didn't want to be having most of those thoughts and I didn't know how to put them into words anyway.

On April 30 the Biggest Mooser competition will come to an end. Theresa, Andrea, Amanda and I will go to Moo92 for final measurements and the announcement of the winner. This has been a big focus of my anxiety and worry. I've been on an adventure (thanks for that word Mary, it sums the experience up perfectly) for the past 12 or more weeks and it will be ending soon. I have the tools to carry this forward I know I do, but I'm worried and anxious. I'm standing in what feels like a safe place right now and looking out at a future that isn't as clear. I'm losing some sleep over this, let's be honest.

What I keep trying to remind myself, with varying degrees of success is that the instructors will still be there when I'm not a Mooser, Bootcamp will still be there. Most importantly my friends will still be there. All the people who have supported and encouraged me to keep pushing and keep moving through the competition will still be there.

I have new goals in mind too for after the competition. Some goals I set for myself when I started this Mooser journey will likely be on the list since I may not have met them yet. I plan to try my first half-marathon ever in January 2013. When I can barely jog a quarter of a mile, 13.1 miles seems impossible, but I know I can do it. I might not be the first to finish the race, but I WILL finish it.

So, enough of my anxieties...let's focus on some positive:

1. I've discovered that when I double up on my workouts now I actually have energy to give to the second workout. I'm not saying I don't give my best effort in my first workout. I'm saying I've developed some endurance and stamina.

2. Despite some "bumps" strains, sprains and super sore muscles I haven't quit. I've overslept more times than I wanted to, but I get a workout in anyway. I've discovered if I don't exercise the only person I'm cheating is myself.

3. I have muscles! Yes, I know I had them before, but there sure seems to be a lot less fat between my skin and the muscles now.

4. This one goes along with #1: I actually enjoy exercise. Do I get up every morning and think "YES! EXERCISE!"? -Nope. Most mornings I remind myself the class will be an hour out of my life and I can do anything for an hour. Then I get to class and find out the workout is just what I needed.

5. The wall is still there and I bump into it from time to time, but I don't quit. I might back off for a bit, but then I'm back at it pushing the wall out of my way.

6. The changes I've made are for a lifetime, not for a competition. If my numbers don't make me the winner I've still won. I have a body I'm proud of for the first time ever. I'm strong and I can do more than I ever expected.

As always, thanks for reading!

Day 71

Don't worry, I know it isn't Tuesday. I have a post for you anyway. Maybe this week I won't post on Tuesday. Though considering what a creature of habit I am I'm pretty sure you'll hear from me tomorrow too. 

This post is one that's been on my mind to write for about two weeks now. At first I decided I wouldn't write it, it could hurt someone or disappoint them. In short, if I wrote this post I wouldn't be the nice, kind person I would like to be. Maybe I might not be the nice person I'd like to be, but I'm not going to be a doormat either.

Looking at it, this post is an open letter to two people specifically. Don't worry, I will tell you exactly who these people are, because I'm done covering up and pretending: I'm going to be honest. I do not plan to be needlessly mean or hateful, but sometimes the truth hurts.

In a way this post is a part of my journey because though I have had these thoughts and feelings for many years, I've certainly never decided to voice them in an arena that could bring them to the attention of the people I'm writing about. That's fine with me now, I'm strong enough and tough enough to stand on my own and stand up for what I believe in. I'm strong enough to stand up for me and say when something isn't right.

So without further ado: here goes. 

To my father and his wife:

Thank you so very, very much for ignoring my birthday. I am so thankful that you were able to save the money you might have spent on postage by not even acknowledging my birthday. A phone call might have been nice, but it was probably much more fiscally responsible of you to save money on that call too. So in saving yourself about fifty cents let me make it quite clear to you what you've lost.

Very simply put: you have lost me. I will never speak to either one of you or make an attempt to do anything for you again. I do not hate you, I understand you are both the products of upbringings that must have been very scary and sad. I forgive you for the callous disregard for my feelings and how it felt to know my own father didn't care enough to remember he had a child born on March 27. 

Isn't it sad and funny how I have people in my life I have known less than 42 years who care so much more about me than members of my own family? Some of them I've had the good fortune to know for about ten weeks now and they've shown more compassion and feeling than either one of you. I am so thankful for the people who have been led into my life. Someone much wiser and more loving than me obviously knew I would need this group of people to help me be strong enough to come to terms with the petty cruelty of two people who should love me.

So if you think you've taught me a lesson and I will now be the good dutiful daughter please think again. I've learned who I really am and I'm not bowing down. I'm coming out roaring this time. I let it slide when you two decided my sister and I shouldn't get so much as a card for Christmas, but our stepmother's children absolutely had to have cards. My blood boiled, don't get me wrong, but I sat back and stayed quiet. So sorry, that time has passed.

My family now consists of my mother, my sister, my nephew, my soon-to-be brother-in-law and his family and the friends who have offered their unconditional love and support when I have needed it.

Don't ask for forgiveness, that's been given. Do not ask me to forget: I never will. Do not ask me to trust either of you: that's an impossibility at this point. 

So sorry readers that you were a part of that. In the end though, this blog is a place for me to document my feelings and what's going on in my life. As much as I would love to make that part of my life go away it won't and I can't change what I refuse to acknowledge. I also know I can't change other people, but I can and will change myself. I will not allow myself to feel cheated or sad about my father deciding my birthday didn't deserve his acknowledgment for one more second. 

In other news I got in 10 workouts last week. 5 bootcamp classes, semi-private training, ABS classes, and 3 cardio sessions. I want to make the most of my remaining time as a Mooser and beyond that, so I'm starting by pushing myself.

I finished Warp Speed yesterday. It was an interesting 28 days. Not sure how many pounds I lost, but clothes are looser than before and for the most part I have more energy. Now I'm back to normal eating and striving for at least 90% compliance with my nutrition this week. Looking forward to a cheat meal sometime, but I'm saving it since I'm not sure exactly what I want my cheat meal to be. 

Thanks for reading!

Day 65

I'm not sure where to begin my post this week. I've had a million thoughts running through my head. Every year on my birthday I tend to take stock of where I am and where I want to go in the next year. This year I added a little twist and thought about where I imagined I'd be when I was 42.

As a younger woman I thought my highest goal was to be a wife and mother. I still think those are wonderful things, but they don't seem to be for me. I'm a darn good aunt and my friends' children seem to like me, plus I get to interact with children as a teacher. As for relationships, been there, done that. Supposedly there is someone out there for everyone and that might be true, but I'm not ready yet. I've got more goals to accomplish and more I want to do and see. I'm content with my life as it is at the moment. I don't feel cheated or as if I am somehow lacking. 

Week 9 of the Biggest MOOser competition is underway and I've decided to be fair to myself I need to step it up and push myself. I gave it my all Monday morning in class and today I decided to double up. I did bootcamp from 4:15 to 5 and then from 5 to 6 I had semi-private training. Engine 8 in bootcamp. Then semi-private training and the dreaded Rope Climbs. Tonight's hardest part was the plate pushes. My ankle is better, but still not 100% and I knew it when I was pushing that plate. I wanted to keep fighting and pushing but it hurt. I'm thinking about putting wax on the plate next time, that should make it slide better. Thanks Theresa for the tip about the lifting gloves: those made all the difference! When the ankle is healed I might actually be able to push that plate without stopping. 


I let you know how I was doing with my measurements last week, but I didn't mention my other goals. Probably time to update you on those goals as well, don't you think? 

My goal is to be wearing jeans in a size 16 by the end of the competition. Right now I am wearing size 20, but they are getting loose. I think I will be buying some size 18 clothing soon. Last weekend I bought myself new leggings to exercise in. I used to by size 3X...this time I checked out the size charts and I needed a size 1X. I don't think I'll be shopping in the plus size section much longer. Next on my list is to get some t-shirts that aren't so baggy I look ridiculous. 

Exercise Goals:
1. Do 10 push-ups on my toes without stopping. Right now I can do 7 push ups on my toes!
2. Perform 15 Burpees in one minute. I am able to do 12 burpees in 1 minute.
3. Do 12 rows in 50 seconds. On Monday I did 15 rows in 50 seconds: GOAL MET!
4. 50 seconds of val slider crawls without dropping to my knees. I made it 30 seconds the last time we did Val Slider army crawls, I'm getting there.
5. 1 unassisted pull-up. Still working on this one!
6. Hold a plan for 3 minutes. I can hold a plank for 2 minutes 12 seconds.  

So again, thank you to everyone who took the time to vote for me and give me this opportunity to transform my body and my life. I hope you don't feel your vote was wasted.

Thanks for reading!