I know what to do when I hit a bump in the road physically: I keep going. Figuring out what to do when I hit an emotional bump is so much harder. Hiding isn't really an option though it sounds like a good plan. I find myself looking in the mirror and wondering who exactly I am now. People tell me I look and act differently. I don't see a change at all.
So now I'm a little lost, a little confused and for the first time ever I'm not turning to food for comfort. In fact I don't want to eat at all. I know I have to, so I do, but I don't want anything. It feels so vain and stupid to be worried about who the person in the mirror is. She still looks the same to me, nothing has changed and I should just let it go. Who cares really?
I care, because the truth is that everything has changed. The clothes filling my closet and dressers don't fit. Well, that's not entirely true. Other than that one slip that started at my waist and wound up around my ankles at the Spring Breakfast the clothes do fit. The problem is that they fit poorly.
Then there's me. I don't know where I fit in either. Like everyone I have good days, bad days and days that I feel I need to strap on some armor to get through the next 8 hours. Then there are the days we all have when looking at an hour at a time is too much and it's a minute-to-minute thing. So I'm normal...I should quit my whining and get on with life, shouldn't I?
I can present a put-together exterior. I can say all the right things, but very little of that is reality. The reality is I am often scared and I feel like a fraud. I say I feel stronger and some days I really do and I want to roar. There are other days I feel like the weakest person in the world. I do my best to hide that.
I'll be the first to admit I don't let people see "me" very often. I strive to be a nice, kind person. I make it a point to be helpful, flexible and supportive whenever possible. The truth is that most people always stay at arm's length. I have high walls built around my heart and emotions and they don't come down. Ever.
It's not that I don't want to have friends and have fun and enjoy life. It's more that I've protected my heart from being hurt for so long it's pretty tender and easily bruised. So I keep hiding and the cycle continues.
Enter bootcamp and a group of people I don't think I deserved to meet. Ben, Tyler, Amy, and Mary are amazing instructors who have not yet told me to get lost even if I email A LOT. Then the bootcampers themselves, especially Jule, Lisa, Hailey, Eric, Theresa, Andrea and Amanda, the 5:30 am people, the 4:15 people and the 6 pm folks: You are all AMAZING! You inspire me to keep going and keep fighting and to step away from the Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Don't get me started on my family and friends who are and have been wonderful!
So yes, I'm whining and I know I am. What brought all this on? Such a simple thing really: a request for a menu so people could check in on what I'm eating and offer suggestions, feedback and support. A simple request, a reasonable request and it stopped me dead in my tracks. In the scheme of things this is a mental bump in the road and it's a tiny one...but it stopped me cold.
Wish I had some inspiration for you...some wonderful epiphany I've had that made it all make sense, but I don't. I have more questions than I have answers and at the moment I'm going to "fake it until I make it". I figure if I keep doing the right things long enough I will get where I need to be and things will click into place and you can read a blog that is at least a little inspiring and entertaining.
In the meantime thanks for reading...
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