Day 86

Last weekend I cleaned out my closet and dressers and removed all of the clothes that were too big for me. They sat in my bedroom all week while I pondered what to do with them. The reasonable, logical answer was to get rid of them. The emotional, less supportive answer was that I needed to hold onto those clothes in case I regained the weight and inches I have lost. After all there were pants and shirts I was pulling out that I had never worn so shouldn't I keep them "just in case"?

That's where I've changed the most. As soon as I tacked "just in case" onto my thought I knew there was no way those clothes were staying. I bagged them all up and dropped them off where they will be worn and enjoyed by someone else.

So now I have more room in my closet. I like not having the pile of clothing in my laundry baskets, but the doubting part of my mind is not happy. The clothing I could have fallen back on is gone. If I regain what I lost I'm in the market for new clothes.

The truth I've come to terms with now is that I am not going back. The Biggest Mooser competition has changed me forever. I feel better physically and emotionally. I still get my feelings hurt too easily and I will cry at the drop of a hat.

I know something new about myself now: I AM STRONG. I am NOT the world's doormat. I still strive to be flexible, kind, helpful and accommodating, but I will not be treated like I don't matter. I do matter, I am important. I always was important, but I didn't see that.

This week is a bittersweet one. The final week of the Biggest Mooser competition. Also the final week of my second year in the Vermont Mathematics Initiative program as a "2nd year". After this weekend I will be in my final year. In May 2013 I will earn a master's degree in curriculum and instruction with a specialization in K-8 Mathematics from UVM (say that 5 times fast...or try to. I get the giggles about the second time through).

More about the Mooser Competition because honestly that's where my mind is most of the time. I'm over the sleepless nights part (thanks to some advice and a pep talk from Mary H. last Wednesday morning). The nerves and fear are still there. It is in the end a competition and it's coming to an end. That means someone will win. Honestly, when I think about my experience I can't imagine any feeling topping going on the deadlift board. Do I want to win? Of course I do-I'm as competitive as anyone else, but I've already won: I'm not afraid to live my life and go where my path takes me.

There are so many people who have supported and encouraged me through this journey...I would love to name you all here, but I know I'd forget someone and then I'd feel awful. So please know that I have so appreciated the support and the encouragement. The comments about this blog and the analogies to help me look at things in a different way have been so so helpful and motivating.

The journey isn't over yet...I'm planning new goals and objectives for myself now because I'm not finished yet. The transformation has just begun.

If you are interested next Monday morning around 8:10 am the Moosers will be at Moo92 for final measurements and announcement of the winner. You can listen online or listen on the radio. It has been wonderful getting to know Theresa, Andrea and Amanda. We've shared quite the adventure together. Ben has definitely kept his promise and kicked our butts.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the final numbers and how I did meeting my goals next week!