Too Honest?

I wonder sometimes right before I click the publish button and send my words out into cyberspace to be read by others if I am being too honest. Is there really any such thing and should I really be concerned about it? The people who read this know that they don't have to read every word I write, they can skim or skip a post if it doesn't interest them. These are the things I think about though when I can't sleep.

There are things that I haven't shared on this blog and very likely won't share, very few things I'll admit. I love to write and maybe somehow by putting my thoughts and feelings down I can help someone else. Maybe not, but I prefer to think when I'm inspired to write and post there is a reason and a purpose for it and all I need to do is write. Yes, I do believe in God, I am not going to beat anyone over the head with that or preach, that's not me. If you ask me I'll talk to you about it, but I am not going to force my beliefs and ideas on anyone.

So what brought all these thoughts about honesty? I'll be happy to tell you, but first a question:

Was I invisible before I lost 36 pounds?

Seriously, at my heaviest I was 309 pounds at the start of the Biggest Mooser competition I was 293 pounds so I somehow doubt I was invisible, even if I wanted to be.

I'll be the first to admit I wanted to be invisible. I didn't like myself at all. I was unhappy and I stayed under the radar as much as possible. Now I don't seem to be invisible and I'm curious about that.

Is it that I don't sit back silently as often now? That is a change. Where I might have been content to be in the background before now I want people to know I do have thoughts and opinions. Not all the time, much of the time I still sit back and observe what goes on around me, but rest assured if I need to speak up, I will.

A major pet peeve that has never been an issue before is people asking me if I want a boyfriend or a husband. 36 pounds ago that question never came up, or it came up so rarely I don't remember it coming up. I can just give you my quick, sarcastic answer: NOPE, NEVER! The truth is I might want that someday, but first I need to like myself. No way can I give to someone else when I'm not always willing to give to myself. Sometimes you do need to take care of #1 first. I'm not saying I only think of myself and what I want, but I do sometimes remember that I'm important and I need to take care of myself.

I have wonderful friends and family who will and do take care of me, but mostly that is my job. I have to know when I've reached my limit or when I need time to myself. I have to know when someone is asking me to meet their needs and I just can't do it. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser nothing makes me feel worse than having to say no. It might cause more stress to say yes, but I like making people happy.

Hi, I'm Kim a perfectionist, people pleaser. Where's my support group? That question I can answer.

Ben's Boot Camp is my support group. I am learning to listen to my body and slowly figuring out just how far I can push without causing injury. For example as much as I want to do kneel-to-stands my knees won't allow it. I might kneel, but it's going to take a lot of effort and time to get back to the stand part. So as much as I hate modifying and as weak as it makes me feel I do modify. I do squats instead and I put all my effort into them. Someday I will be able to do the kneel-to-stands. When I started boot camp I did all my push ups on my knees. I worked hard on my form and made them the best push ups I could do. Low and behold after 6 months of push ups I can do more on the toes. That's an amazing feeling.

I know boot camp is not my only support. I have amazing friends and family who have always been there for me and I've made new friends who help me push myself and remind me to look at what I can do, not what I still struggle with.

If I am completely honest I have no idea what my ultimate goals for myself are. I know I want to compete in Tough Mudder next year, but I know that isn't the end. As for what clothing size I want to be: I have no idea. I will be in uncharted territory as soon as I reach a size 14. I've never been there before and I know I said I want to be in a size 12 by the end of 2012, but beyond that I'm not sure. Any advice or ideas feel free to let me know. I'm definitely not too proud to admit when I need help...and I need help!

Thanks for reading my ramblings on a beautiful, warm Vermont day. I hope it's just as nice wherever you are.