Athlete

Even more than being labeled an inspiration I am mystified by being called an athlete. Like everyone else I have a picture of what I consider an athlete in my head. It should come as no surprise that the picture in my mind bears absolutely no resemblance to the person I see in the mirror.

In my mind athletes don't have fat, jiggly thighs and arms. They don't look like a sausage stuffed in a casing when they put on a singlet. Maybe most important in my mind they are able to do more than pick barbells up and put them down.

I am not belittling what I do, well not much anyway. I LOVE powerlifting and when I think of athletes I do think of powerlifters: Stefi Cohen, Chaz Maclay, Kimberly Walford, Marisa Inda, Hannah Frigon, Ed Coan. I could keep going, but you get the idea. Most of those names you've probably heard of. Two are friends who I consider amazing athletes and inspirations. I don't put myself anywhere on that list.

I suppose it's normal to have moments of doubt and wonder why I have done something. Signing up for USAPL Northeast Regionals is one of those "What in the HELL were you thinking??!?" things for me. I am about 5 weeks out and the doubts are loud. Not all the time, when I am in the gym my focus is on what I am doing and the cues my coach is giving. When I am working my focus is that...and that could be part of the anxiety. New job, so many new things to learn and the perfectionist inside rears her head and causes anxiety about everything. I don't help things either and I know it. It is my choice whether I focus on any of it or acknowledge I am being crazy and move on. So obsess it is.

I understand that I will never see myself as other people see me so I can accept that some see me as an inspiration, and I don't usually argue with them about it. Sometimes I still slip into old, bad habits and point out my faults when given praise, but I am getting better. Sometimes I even call myself an athlete, but it never feels true.

An athlete is someone who's good at more than one thing, right? Well, that's what I've always assumed. I feel like a one trick pony. It's an impressive trick, but it's still just the one trick.

I do recognize the contradiction of considering other powerlifters athletes and not looking at myself the same way. I feel like the fat impostor, the jiggling woman in the singlet wishing she had a leaner, better body even if she has come leaps and bounds from where she started.

Since this is my spot to be completely honest I may as well be honest and say there are times I am afraid. Times I step on the platform and wonder what in the world makes me think I am going to put a 375 pound barbell on my back, squat down and come back up with it. Or how in the world I think I am going to be able to put 200 pounds on my chest and press it back up. Fear is normal, it is healthy in some cases and it has never stopped me from trying, but I know for sure those fears can cause problems. When I think I can't I am right.

So maybe I'm an inspiration, maybe I am even an athlete, but the work is never ending. Building physical strength is hard, but for me the harder battle is building that mental strength. Erasing those negative loop tapes, letting the praise in and believing it.

These people think I'm an athlete and the guy in the purple shirt is someone I consider an athlete.

Part of Team Kim. Love these people. 

That's all the crazy for the moment.

Thanks for reading!