Comparison

I know better. I really, truly know better. I know it is ridiculous and pointless to compare myself to others. I know it won't do anything, but shake my already fragile self-esteem. I know better and yet I do it. Every. Damn. Time.

The worst is the people I choose to compare myself too. I know how insane it is to compare myself to my coach...I do that anyway. Then I compare myself to the much fitter, prettier women in my classes and feel lumpy, jiggly, and worthless. When I can't climb for the entire time in a spin class and need to sit and pedal because my ankle/knee/foot hurts I feel defeated. When I struggle and can't bench press 192# to lockout when I've done it in the past I feel like a fraud. When I can't get that fourth set of bench presses at 150# and I'm being spotted by someone I never want to let down I just want to scream.

Do I realize how completely STUPID my feelings are? Yes, yes I do. It doesn't stop those thoughts, but I do recognize they aren't rational. I suppose it's progress that I recognize when my thoughts are veering into that irrational place, now to stop going down that road at all.

A few years ago Coach Tyler called me "the beast of the northeast". I don't feel like a beast. I think that is exactly where most of my problems stem from: I rely on my feelings way too much. Feelings are important, they are valid, but I give mine far too much weight.

Take last Friday morning as an example. It was a small Yoga Corr class: just four of us, including Coach T. We were in the wrestling ring doing stretches. One required us to put one foot on the buckle and kneel. I am quite sure it wasn't a comfortable stretch for anyone, but I was nearly in tears about it. I felt like it shouldn't be as uncomfortable as it was. I held the stretch, it didn't kill me and it didn't hurt, it was just super uncomfortable. As I have mentioned a few dozen times before I'm not good with discomfort. When I am uncomfortable I want to flee as quickly as possible. Doesn't matter if it is physical discomfort or mental discomfort: I want to get away from it.

I did learn something from last Friday's Yoga Corr and Personal Training: there are many times I need to tell the whiner between my ears to zip it and focus only on the cues I'm getting. I heard higher and faster a great deal during PT. I'm not sure if I accomplished either of those things, but I put the effort in. My mind was ready with a dozen reasons higher and faster were impossible, but my body knew better and I dug deep.

I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be perfect. I have a niche in fitness and I am forever thankful I found it. Would I like to be leaner, fitter, more agile, flexible, and mobile? YES!! I would love to be all those things and more. I would love to go into a training session confident and certain I was going to excel at whatever I was asked to do.

I guess what I really want is to see myself as others see me. To see this strong, put together, athlete I've been told I appear to be. Nope, what I see is the one who finds the nearest shoulder to cry on when she doesn't have the words to express the feelings, the one whose stomach rolls and hands shake while she waits for her turn.

I know the only person I should be comparing myself to is the person I used to be. I also know it is human nature to look to others and compare. I think it would be odd if I didn't look at the group of people I am surrounded by and not do some comparing. I shouldn't give those thoughts as much weight as I do.  I know if I am disappointing my coach he's going to let me know: he promised to always be honest and he's never let me down.

Deep down I will always want to be more like the people I admire. The best part and the hard part about that is I am surrounded by the people I admire most in the world. I want their patience, kindness, determination, skill, drive, confidence, and discipline. Maybe I have those things too, maybe others see those things in me and I am just too close to recognize it in myself.

Maybe I just think way too damn much and I should relax. I should probably stop thinking and get the job done to paraphrase Coach Collins.


Thanks for reading!