Day 71

Don't worry, I know it isn't Tuesday. I have a post for you anyway. Maybe this week I won't post on Tuesday. Though considering what a creature of habit I am I'm pretty sure you'll hear from me tomorrow too. 

This post is one that's been on my mind to write for about two weeks now. At first I decided I wouldn't write it, it could hurt someone or disappoint them. In short, if I wrote this post I wouldn't be the nice, kind person I would like to be. Maybe I might not be the nice person I'd like to be, but I'm not going to be a doormat either.

Looking at it, this post is an open letter to two people specifically. Don't worry, I will tell you exactly who these people are, because I'm done covering up and pretending: I'm going to be honest. I do not plan to be needlessly mean or hateful, but sometimes the truth hurts.

In a way this post is a part of my journey because though I have had these thoughts and feelings for many years, I've certainly never decided to voice them in an arena that could bring them to the attention of the people I'm writing about. That's fine with me now, I'm strong enough and tough enough to stand on my own and stand up for what I believe in. I'm strong enough to stand up for me and say when something isn't right.

So without further ado: here goes. 

To my father and his wife:

Thank you so very, very much for ignoring my birthday. I am so thankful that you were able to save the money you might have spent on postage by not even acknowledging my birthday. A phone call might have been nice, but it was probably much more fiscally responsible of you to save money on that call too. So in saving yourself about fifty cents let me make it quite clear to you what you've lost.

Very simply put: you have lost me. I will never speak to either one of you or make an attempt to do anything for you again. I do not hate you, I understand you are both the products of upbringings that must have been very scary and sad. I forgive you for the callous disregard for my feelings and how it felt to know my own father didn't care enough to remember he had a child born on March 27. 

Isn't it sad and funny how I have people in my life I have known less than 42 years who care so much more about me than members of my own family? Some of them I've had the good fortune to know for about ten weeks now and they've shown more compassion and feeling than either one of you. I am so thankful for the people who have been led into my life. Someone much wiser and more loving than me obviously knew I would need this group of people to help me be strong enough to come to terms with the petty cruelty of two people who should love me.

So if you think you've taught me a lesson and I will now be the good dutiful daughter please think again. I've learned who I really am and I'm not bowing down. I'm coming out roaring this time. I let it slide when you two decided my sister and I shouldn't get so much as a card for Christmas, but our stepmother's children absolutely had to have cards. My blood boiled, don't get me wrong, but I sat back and stayed quiet. So sorry, that time has passed.

My family now consists of my mother, my sister, my nephew, my soon-to-be brother-in-law and his family and the friends who have offered their unconditional love and support when I have needed it.

Don't ask for forgiveness, that's been given. Do not ask me to forget: I never will. Do not ask me to trust either of you: that's an impossibility at this point. 

So sorry readers that you were a part of that. In the end though, this blog is a place for me to document my feelings and what's going on in my life. As much as I would love to make that part of my life go away it won't and I can't change what I refuse to acknowledge. I also know I can't change other people, but I can and will change myself. I will not allow myself to feel cheated or sad about my father deciding my birthday didn't deserve his acknowledgment for one more second. 

In other news I got in 10 workouts last week. 5 bootcamp classes, semi-private training, ABS classes, and 3 cardio sessions. I want to make the most of my remaining time as a Mooser and beyond that, so I'm starting by pushing myself.

I finished Warp Speed yesterday. It was an interesting 28 days. Not sure how many pounds I lost, but clothes are looser than before and for the most part I have more energy. Now I'm back to normal eating and striving for at least 90% compliance with my nutrition this week. Looking forward to a cheat meal sometime, but I'm saving it since I'm not sure exactly what I want my cheat meal to be. 

Thanks for reading!