On Saturday I stepped further outside of the spot I have carved out as my comfort zone and participated in a photo shoot. Yes, I willingly submitted to having my picture taken. There were a dozen or more moments that morning when I wanted to bolt and hide in the back of my friend's car until it was over. I didn't run, I had my picture taken in 2 different poses and as part of the group of 30 people who participated and I had a good time.
On Sunday I saw two of the pictures from the photo shoot and realized that the next time I need to do as much mental preparation as I did physical preparation. As much as I have changed my knee jerk reaction to pictures of myself is the same. That sad, resigned feeling that "Well, at least it's not as bad as it could be."
Don't get me wrong, I am proud as can be of the pictures. They are proof that even if I keep finding a comfort zone I can also step away from that spot. That seems pretty important to me. I'm all about safety and comfort or I used to be. I didn't take chances, risks were for other people and I would run away from anything that seemed remotely challenging.
I decided to do something even braver than have the pictures taken in the first place. I posted one as my profile picture and put the other on my wall. I wanted any friends who hadn't liked the Fortitude Fitness Systems page to be able to see them. I wasn't sure what people would say, I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I chose to confront the fear and post away. Not one comment was negative, they were all complimentary and I was surprised.
My surprise at the positive comments made me wonder what it will take for me to accept that I am not the person I think I see.
I remember being young and wishing I could be pretty. All my friends were pretty. I was the sidekick, quiet, shy, funny on occasion and the person my friend's boyfriends would talk to when they wanted to know what was going on. My grandmother was quite philosophical about the whole thing. I don't recall ever asking her if I was pretty, grandma wasn't a warm, fuzzy woman and I was afraid of what she would say. Her comment on the subject of pretty was "Pretty is as pretty does."
I don't think of myself as pretty now either. Strong? Absolutely. Pretty? Never. I realize I'm not hideously ugly, but by society's standards of beauty I'm not it. I've also realized in the last two years that looking nice on the outside is worth nothing if what's inside you is ugly and rotten. I would rather look like a troll than be a pretty package with nothing inside.
I am NOT asking anyone to tell me I'm pretty. I am who I am and I'm fine with who I am. I am not society's definition of beautiful. I'm something that's much more important to me: I'm strong. I'm strong enough to complete 2 workouts in a row. Strong enough to push a sled that weighs 90 pounds, with 90 pounds of plates and an instructor on it. I'm also strong enough to sit through a meeting without compromising what I know to be right no matter the provocation.
In addition to being strong I strive to be a kind, compassionate person. I will help my friends when I can and I don't mind a bit. I set high standards for my students and I ALWAYS treat them with respect. I am firm with them, but they know I care about them and I will advocate for them.
At the end of the day I'd rather be a strong, good person than pretty. My strength will last a lot longer...
Thanks for reading!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Working it Out
Eight workouts from January 5 to January 11 and seven workouts from January 12 to January 18. I feel like I might have that part of life under control at the moment.
Nutrition? Working on that too. At the moment in preparation for the Fortitude Fitness Systems Photo Shoot on Saturday, January 25 I am adjusting my food intake to more lean protein and veggies, less sodium and fruits. I know myself well enough to know I won't feel ready for my picture to be taken next Saturday, but I would like to be at a place where the idea doesn't make me laugh nervously and want to vomit.
Let's get back to my exercise. A couple of nervous laughs are clawing their way up and I'd rather not startle the dog by letting them loose. First off, I should probably offer a disclaimer like always check with your doctor before starting on a fitness program. Maybe I should, but let's be honest here: I didn't check with my doctor...I decided on this plan on my own and I'm not sure I'd change what I'm doing even if my doctor or the fitness professionals I work with told me to cut down a little. I'm stubborn, remember?
What was my favorite fitness moment of the past week? It was during personal training and it wasn't the step lunges or spider man push ups. It was getting to face off with the prowler again. The prowler is a big sled you can put weights on and push or pull around. It's heavy and it's fun. Maybe not flipping a 475 pound tire fun, but fun.
Anyhow, Thursday might I got a new prowler exercise to try: lay on the floor on my back at the other end of the studio from the prowler. Then use the rope tied to the prowler to pull it to me. I felt every muscle in both arms pulling that prowler. I did think at one point that I probably needed to be careful so I didn't pull the prowler into my head. Sadly that thought didn't stick with me and Ben's comment about one more pull then I could push it back didn't make me think it was as close as it was. So yes, in all my grace I pulled the prowler into my head. It hurt a little bit, mostly it startled me. You don't exactly expect something like that to happen....and it wouldn't if I paid more attention.
Then I experienced "monster walks". I'll try to describe it. Put 2 bands around your legs, right above the knees, squat down as low as you can while keeping your chest up and walk. It is every bit as awkward as it looks and painful too. By the time you've gone from one end of the studio to the other muscles you don't use all that often are screaming and that second trip looks about six miles long.
In other news, it was a rough week teaching. Periodically I discover even if I'm a good teacher I can't help every child. It hurts and it makes me angry. I didn't get into teaching to ever fail any child. Suffice it to say that I have spent too much time beating myself up over an incident that I don't really believe I could have stopped or turned around. Life doesn't offer do-overs, the rewind button is broken and sometimes, despite our best efforts, what is meant to be will be.
So this week having seven workouts was a blessing. I still had plenty of time to obsess and over think, but there were periods of time I could let it all go and just work on the stronger, more confident me.
Thanks for reading...
Nutrition? Working on that too. At the moment in preparation for the Fortitude Fitness Systems Photo Shoot on Saturday, January 25 I am adjusting my food intake to more lean protein and veggies, less sodium and fruits. I know myself well enough to know I won't feel ready for my picture to be taken next Saturday, but I would like to be at a place where the idea doesn't make me laugh nervously and want to vomit.
Let's get back to my exercise. A couple of nervous laughs are clawing their way up and I'd rather not startle the dog by letting them loose. First off, I should probably offer a disclaimer like always check with your doctor before starting on a fitness program. Maybe I should, but let's be honest here: I didn't check with my doctor...I decided on this plan on my own and I'm not sure I'd change what I'm doing even if my doctor or the fitness professionals I work with told me to cut down a little. I'm stubborn, remember?
What was my favorite fitness moment of the past week? It was during personal training and it wasn't the step lunges or spider man push ups. It was getting to face off with the prowler again. The prowler is a big sled you can put weights on and push or pull around. It's heavy and it's fun. Maybe not flipping a 475 pound tire fun, but fun.
Anyhow, Thursday might I got a new prowler exercise to try: lay on the floor on my back at the other end of the studio from the prowler. Then use the rope tied to the prowler to pull it to me. I felt every muscle in both arms pulling that prowler. I did think at one point that I probably needed to be careful so I didn't pull the prowler into my head. Sadly that thought didn't stick with me and Ben's comment about one more pull then I could push it back didn't make me think it was as close as it was. So yes, in all my grace I pulled the prowler into my head. It hurt a little bit, mostly it startled me. You don't exactly expect something like that to happen....and it wouldn't if I paid more attention.
Then I experienced "monster walks". I'll try to describe it. Put 2 bands around your legs, right above the knees, squat down as low as you can while keeping your chest up and walk. It is every bit as awkward as it looks and painful too. By the time you've gone from one end of the studio to the other muscles you don't use all that often are screaming and that second trip looks about six miles long.
In other news, it was a rough week teaching. Periodically I discover even if I'm a good teacher I can't help every child. It hurts and it makes me angry. I didn't get into teaching to ever fail any child. Suffice it to say that I have spent too much time beating myself up over an incident that I don't really believe I could have stopped or turned around. Life doesn't offer do-overs, the rewind button is broken and sometimes, despite our best efforts, what is meant to be will be.
So this week having seven workouts was a blessing. I still had plenty of time to obsess and over think, but there were periods of time I could let it all go and just work on the stronger, more confident me.
Thanks for reading...
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Purpose
What is my purpose for being here?
It's interesting how many hours of thought and contemplation I've put into that question and how when I stopped thinking I found the answer. I can picture at least one reader smirking and shaking his head at this moment wondering when I will learn to listen. There are probably several of you doing that actually.
My world turned upside down for a time this week. One of my dearest friends, Eric, had a massive heart attack. His fiancee, Hailey, is another dear friend and when I think of one of them I think of the other. I couldn't imagine a world without him. Every free moment was spent praying, thinking positive thoughts, sending healing vibes and love. I wasn't the only one, the outpouring of love and support renewed my faith in humanity. I'm happy to report he is home recuperating.
I went out for a celebratory lunch with Jennifer, Hailey and Eric yesterday at Gusanoz. Can I just say: YUM! Love that restaurant.
Anyhow, on the way to Dartmouth Jen and I had a chance to talk. I think I shocked her at one point. We were talking about what brought us to Fortitude Fitness Systems. I told her it was my last ditch effort and she said "Oh, before surgery?" I debated letting it stay there and decided not to. I tend to edit myself a lot to be "acceptable" and "good". At that moment and again tonight, I'm just going to be honest.
What I meant by last ditch effort and what I told Jennifer was I didn't want to live. I was miserable and unhealthy, I knew I couldn't continue that way and I had no desire to. Before I go any further let me make it crystal clear that I don't feel that way anymore. Life can messy, wonderful, scary and it is so precious. There will be no quitting here. Life isn't always easy, many days it's not fun, but it is my life and it is my job to make it as enjoyable as possible.
I've always been the too-sensitive worrier who wants to be perfect. I still worry, I definitely think too much, we won't even talk about my perfectionist tendencies, but the sensitivity is fading. Probably left that behind somewhere on Mount Snow last August too. I don't think I'll look for it when I'm there again on May 31, I can't say I miss it. It's pretty exhausting worrying all the time that you're going to let someone down or not be good enough.
I have discovered that my purpose is simply to be myself: To encourage people beginning their own journey when I can. To give my time and help freely when it is needed. To accept that what others see in me may never be what I see. To give every ounce of effort I have in my workouts so I don't leave feeling like I cheated.
Most of all my purpose is to live this life to the fullest and if it inspires other people that is wonderful. I'm going to continue working out, growing and changing.
On with your evening.
Thanks for reading.
It's interesting how many hours of thought and contemplation I've put into that question and how when I stopped thinking I found the answer. I can picture at least one reader smirking and shaking his head at this moment wondering when I will learn to listen. There are probably several of you doing that actually.
My world turned upside down for a time this week. One of my dearest friends, Eric, had a massive heart attack. His fiancee, Hailey, is another dear friend and when I think of one of them I think of the other. I couldn't imagine a world without him. Every free moment was spent praying, thinking positive thoughts, sending healing vibes and love. I wasn't the only one, the outpouring of love and support renewed my faith in humanity. I'm happy to report he is home recuperating.
I went out for a celebratory lunch with Jennifer, Hailey and Eric yesterday at Gusanoz. Can I just say: YUM! Love that restaurant.
Anyhow, on the way to Dartmouth Jen and I had a chance to talk. I think I shocked her at one point. We were talking about what brought us to Fortitude Fitness Systems. I told her it was my last ditch effort and she said "Oh, before surgery?" I debated letting it stay there and decided not to. I tend to edit myself a lot to be "acceptable" and "good". At that moment and again tonight, I'm just going to be honest.
What I meant by last ditch effort and what I told Jennifer was I didn't want to live. I was miserable and unhealthy, I knew I couldn't continue that way and I had no desire to. Before I go any further let me make it crystal clear that I don't feel that way anymore. Life can messy, wonderful, scary and it is so precious. There will be no quitting here. Life isn't always easy, many days it's not fun, but it is my life and it is my job to make it as enjoyable as possible.
I've always been the too-sensitive worrier who wants to be perfect. I still worry, I definitely think too much, we won't even talk about my perfectionist tendencies, but the sensitivity is fading. Probably left that behind somewhere on Mount Snow last August too. I don't think I'll look for it when I'm there again on May 31, I can't say I miss it. It's pretty exhausting worrying all the time that you're going to let someone down or not be good enough.
I have discovered that my purpose is simply to be myself: To encourage people beginning their own journey when I can. To give my time and help freely when it is needed. To accept that what others see in me may never be what I see. To give every ounce of effort I have in my workouts so I don't leave feeling like I cheated.
Most of all my purpose is to live this life to the fullest and if it inspires other people that is wonderful. I'm going to continue working out, growing and changing.
On with your evening.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Something to Prove
Someone told me recently that I have nothing to prove to anyone. This comment, while true, got me thinking. Yes, I know I need to think less and do more. Thinking quite often gets me in trouble because it rouses some of those doubts that hang on no matter how many positive comments and/or compliments I get. I've come to the conclusion that some of my doubts are just hardwired in, they are a part of my personality. The part that drives me to be as good as I can be and then push to be even better. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
When the doubts become a real problem is when I let them clamor so loudly I do feel like I have something to prove. I've been in that place this week. Feeling as if I don't quite deserve what I've been given and in order to deserve it I need to be perfect. As soon as the idea that I need to be perfect enters my mind alarms go off. I'm drifting back into a place where the positive loop I'm trying hard to run in my head is replaced by the negative one. I don't want to hear "How could you screw that up? You can't do anything right! You suck, this change won't last." ever again. I have done a good job at throwing that loop tape out, but it's not gone. Just skulking around at the periphery of my life waiting for the opportunity to jump back in and attack.
So since I'm going to be honest, even if it makes me look and sound like I'm crazy: Yes, I DO feel like I need to prove something. What do I have to prove?
1. This transformation is NOT temporary. Those people waiting for me to fail are going to be waiting for something that is NOT going to happen.
2. I'm not the ugly little fat girl anymore.
3. I am not any one's doormat.
4. I deserve the title badass of the year.
To be completely fair and totally honest, I think the person I need to prove all of this to is myself. None of my friends, family, acquaintances or instructors seem to have the least bit of difficulty believing the things I struggle to believe.
I've accepted that people see things in me that I don't/can't see. I'm prepared to accept that the things I feel I have to prove only need to be proved to myself and I may never be able to make myself believe the good things completely.
Then again, if you had told me in 2012 I would ever look forward to getting drenched in sweat and feeling exhausted I would have laughed at you. Now a day when I don't get sweaty and really tired doesn't seem complete.
I'm a work in progress. I'm better than I was, but not as good as I will be with time, hard work and especially patience.
Thanks for reading!
When the doubts become a real problem is when I let them clamor so loudly I do feel like I have something to prove. I've been in that place this week. Feeling as if I don't quite deserve what I've been given and in order to deserve it I need to be perfect. As soon as the idea that I need to be perfect enters my mind alarms go off. I'm drifting back into a place where the positive loop I'm trying hard to run in my head is replaced by the negative one. I don't want to hear "How could you screw that up? You can't do anything right! You suck, this change won't last." ever again. I have done a good job at throwing that loop tape out, but it's not gone. Just skulking around at the periphery of my life waiting for the opportunity to jump back in and attack.
So since I'm going to be honest, even if it makes me look and sound like I'm crazy: Yes, I DO feel like I need to prove something. What do I have to prove?
1. This transformation is NOT temporary. Those people waiting for me to fail are going to be waiting for something that is NOT going to happen.
2. I'm not the ugly little fat girl anymore.
3. I am not any one's doormat.
4. I deserve the title badass of the year.
To be completely fair and totally honest, I think the person I need to prove all of this to is myself. None of my friends, family, acquaintances or instructors seem to have the least bit of difficulty believing the things I struggle to believe.
I've accepted that people see things in me that I don't/can't see. I'm prepared to accept that the things I feel I have to prove only need to be proved to myself and I may never be able to make myself believe the good things completely.
Then again, if you had told me in 2012 I would ever look forward to getting drenched in sweat and feeling exhausted I would have laughed at you. Now a day when I don't get sweaty and really tired doesn't seem complete.
I'm a work in progress. I'm better than I was, but not as good as I will be with time, hard work and especially patience.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Moving Forward, Part 2
I have finished writing my goals for 2014 and I will post them in just a minute. You will notice that this year I don't have any weight goals. I have noticed the scale has a disturbing habit of going down then getting stuck in one spot for a long period of time. I find that frustrating and disheartening and I am tired of looking to the scale for reassurance. I need to look at my inches, my body fat percentage and the way my clothing fits.
Most of my goals for 2014 are fitness goals. In 2013 I made great strides in my fitness, but the lion's share of my attention was on the mental part of this journey. I had to let go of the garbage or I wouldn't have been able to move forward. 2014 is the year to bring the same focus and attention to my fitness.
Any comments or suggestions on the following goals are welcome. You may comment on this entry, message me on Facebook, or send me an email (fivepets@hotmail.com). Or we can talk face to face and you can help me work on Personal Growth and Health Goal #1.
2. I will endeavor to participate in activities that make me uncomfortable at least once per quarter.
a. I will participate in the Fortitude Fitness Systems Photo Shoot on Saturday, January 25, 2014.
3. I will accept compliments and recognition with a smile and a simple “thank you” on 8 out of 10 occasions by December 2014.
4. I will drink at least on gallon of water per day 6 out of 7 days per week.
5. By December 2014 I will achieve the following Hips: 43 inches; Waist: 33 inches; Thigh: 24 inches and Arm: 13 inches.
*Short term goals will be set when I have current measurements to work from.
There you have it...my map for the start of 2014. These goals are not set in stone, they will be revised and rewritten as necessary. Stay tuned for the continuing journey.
Thanks for reading: Happy New Year!
Most of my goals for 2014 are fitness goals. In 2013 I made great strides in my fitness, but the lion's share of my attention was on the mental part of this journey. I had to let go of the garbage or I wouldn't have been able to move forward. 2014 is the year to bring the same focus and attention to my fitness.
Any comments or suggestions on the following goals are welcome. You may comment on this entry, message me on Facebook, or send me an email (fivepets@hotmail.com). Or we can talk face to face and you can help me work on Personal Growth and Health Goal #1.
2014
Goals
FITNESS
GOALS
1. Turn in my green band by March 2014.
a. Perform corrective exercises daily
b. Ask Ben to assess progress in mid-February
2. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes: June 2014.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes by August 2014.
c. Train for a half marathon to be completed in 2015.
3. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours: May, 31, 2014.
a. Continue personal training to work on strength and endurance.
b. Begin snowshoeing and/or cross country skiing in January 2014.
c. Hike when possible (after purchase of yak trax).
4. Complete a Spartan Sprint (Fall 2014?).
5. Compete in a strongman competition.
6. By October 2014 move up in the "300 club" on the deadlift board to 315 pounds.
a. By February 2014, deadlift 275 pounds.
b. By April 2014, deadlift 285 pounds.
c. By June 2014, deadlift 295 pounds
d. By August 2014, deadlift 305 pounds
1. Turn in my green band by March 2014.
a. Perform corrective exercises daily
b. Ask Ben to assess progress in mid-February
2. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes: June 2014.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes by August 2014.
c. Train for a half marathon to be completed in 2015.
3. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours: May, 31, 2014.
a. Continue personal training to work on strength and endurance.
b. Begin snowshoeing and/or cross country skiing in January 2014.
c. Hike when possible (after purchase of yak trax).
4. Complete a Spartan Sprint (Fall 2014?).
5. Compete in a strongman competition.
6. By October 2014 move up in the "300 club" on the deadlift board to 315 pounds.
a. By February 2014, deadlift 275 pounds.
b. By April 2014, deadlift 285 pounds.
c. By June 2014, deadlift 295 pounds
d. By August 2014, deadlift 305 pounds
PERSONAL
DEVELOPMENT & HEALTH GOALS:
1. By December 2014 I will rely less on email to communicate. I have a voice, I need to use it. On 4 out of 5 occasions when I have a question or concern I will speak with people face-to-face instead of sending a message.
1. By December 2014 I will rely less on email to communicate. I have a voice, I need to use it. On 4 out of 5 occasions when I have a question or concern I will speak with people face-to-face instead of sending a message.
2. I will endeavor to participate in activities that make me uncomfortable at least once per quarter.
a. I will participate in the Fortitude Fitness Systems Photo Shoot on Saturday, January 25, 2014.
b. I will continue to update and write in my
blog regularly throughout 2014.
c. By June 2014 I will be able to step
outside my own mind during a workout and encourage/support others.
3. I will accept compliments and recognition with a smile and a simple “thank you” on 8 out of 10 occasions by December 2014.
4. I will drink at least on gallon of water per day 6 out of 7 days per week.
5. By December 2014 I will achieve the following Hips: 43 inches; Waist: 33 inches; Thigh: 24 inches and Arm: 13 inches.
*Short term goals will be set when I have current measurements to work from.
There you have it...my map for the start of 2014. These goals are not set in stone, they will be revised and rewritten as necessary. Stay tuned for the continuing journey.
Thanks for reading: Happy New Year!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Moving Forward
As you recall in my last blog I was anxious about the announcement of
Badass of the Year. Turns out I had reason to be. I was chosen as Badass
of the Year for Fortitude Fitness Systems. I am rather proud of myself
for not bursting into sobs the instant Ben said my name. I teared up,
but I held it together fairly well. It has sunk in that it was my name
and I wasn't mishearing things, but there's still a feeling of wonder
and shock. It is a huge honor and I am thrilled. Stunned, but thrilled.
Okay, so maybe it hasn't completely sunk in yet. Someone pinch me so I'll
know I'm not dreaming.
January 1, 2014 is closing in quickly and it's time to write some goals. Most of you already know I am a special educator so I write goals for a living. Here goes...
FITNESS GOALS
1. Turn in my green band by March 2014.
a. Perform corrective exercises daily
b. Ask Ben to assess progress in mid-February
2. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes: June 2014.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes by August 2014.
c. Train for a half marathon to be completed in 2015.
3. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours: May, 31, 2014.
a. Continue personal training to work on strength and endurance.
b. Begin snowshoeing and/or cross country skiing in January 2014.
c. Hike when possible (after purchase of yak trax).
4. Complete a Spartan Sprint (Fall 2014?).
5. Compete in a strongman competition.
6. By October 2014 move up in the "300 club" on the deadlift board to 315 pounds.
a. By February 2014, deadlift 275 pounds.
b. By April 2014, deadlift 285 pounds.
c. By June 2014, deadlift 295 pounds
d. By August 2014, deadlift 305 pounds
I have some personal and measurement goals as well, but those are less well-developed and I'm not quite ready to share them. Patience, they'll be here soon enough. If I post them here I won't need to worry about losing them in the black hole that is my bedroom.
Thanks 2013: it was an amazing year. Welcome 2014: I have BIG plans.
Thanks for reading!
January 1, 2014 is closing in quickly and it's time to write some goals. Most of you already know I am a special educator so I write goals for a living. Here goes...
FITNESS GOALS
1. Turn in my green band by March 2014.
a. Perform corrective exercises daily
b. Ask Ben to assess progress in mid-February
2. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes: June 2014.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes by August 2014.
c. Train for a half marathon to be completed in 2015.
3. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours: May, 31, 2014.
a. Continue personal training to work on strength and endurance.
b. Begin snowshoeing and/or cross country skiing in January 2014.
c. Hike when possible (after purchase of yak trax).
4. Complete a Spartan Sprint (Fall 2014?).
5. Compete in a strongman competition.
6. By October 2014 move up in the "300 club" on the deadlift board to 315 pounds.
a. By February 2014, deadlift 275 pounds.
b. By April 2014, deadlift 285 pounds.
c. By June 2014, deadlift 295 pounds
d. By August 2014, deadlift 305 pounds
I have some personal and measurement goals as well, but those are less well-developed and I'm not quite ready to share them. Patience, they'll be here soon enough. If I post them here I won't need to worry about losing them in the black hole that is my bedroom.
Thanks 2013: it was an amazing year. Welcome 2014: I have BIG plans.
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Thinking back...
Wow has 2013 flown by for the most part. I'd be lying if I said that there weren't days that felt 24 years long instead of only 24 hours. Be that as it may, in one week 2014 will be here. There are so many things I am planning to accomplish next year, but it seemed like it might be a good idea to sit back and reflect on 2013.
1. My number one memory for 2013 won't be a surprise for anyone: Tough Mudder. It made such an impact on me I'm going to do it again. I've been told I can get therapy for that. I just smile, those people don't understand.
Simply put: Tough Mudder changed me. I thought I was getting stronger, I was pretty sure I was more fit. When I stepped across the finish line and collected my orange headband I knew I was stronger and more fit than I believed. I discovered I was stronger than all the negative comments and voices I had let take up residence in my brain. Was I perfect? Umm...NO! I found out physical pain can be pushed aside when the goal means enough to you. I learned leaning on my friends and letting them help me is not a sign of weakness. Most importantly I figured out that the people in my life telling me good things were right: I am worth it.
2. Wall of Fame. So why in the world would someone who likes having her picture taken as much as she likes having her files audited while she's undergoing a root canal be so excited about being invited to join the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems? To me it means I have truly crossed the line from someone at the studio to a member of the FFS family.
Don't get me wrong, I have been welcomed and made to feel important from the first time I stepped through the door. It was more my own attitude: I didn't feel like I "belonged". The plaque isn't on the wall yet, but rest assured you'll know when it arrives.
3. This one was a complete shock and surprise to me. I keep hearing that it shouldn't be a shock or a surprise and I'm sure that's true, but it still feels like it came completely out of left field. I was nominated as one of the three candidates for "FFS Badass of the Year". I look at the other two nominees and I understand why they were nominated. One has made extremely impressive gains in strength and personal records. The other nominee has had physical results that are stunning. Then I look at myself...uh, wth? I missed something somewhere...or as usual, I underestimate myself and what I've accomplished in 2013.
I've been working on trust, so as much as I'd like to email the person who picked me and ask WTH?! I am making the decision to trust his choice (...and questioning it to all my friends. Thank you guys for not just smacking me and telling me to shut up). Saturday at the Badass Appreciation Party the Badass of the Year will be announced. I wish the other two nominees the best of luck and I will cheer and clap the loudest for whichever one of them wins. Yes, I know it could be me as well, but in that case there will be even more shock and plenty of tears.
4. I flipped the 475 pound tire. I still want someone to video this and someday I might get around to actually asking for it instead of just writing about it. Baby steps here, I'm still not a fan of pictures of myself.
Every other week I do a 10 minute circuit with 6 tire flips and 12 mountain climbers to see how many rounds I can complete. I love the feeling of getting that tire up and pushing it over.The sound it makes when it slams to the turf is so satisfying. A couple of rounds of tire flips and the stress melts away.
5. Personal growth. I actually say nice things to myself now. When I make a mistake the little voice in my head doesn't fire back with "Loser", "Idiot" or any of the countless other nasty comments that were on an endless loop in my mind. More often than not the response is "deep breath, focus. Try again." Sometimes the voice sounds suspiciously like Ben when I hear "Fight", "Dominate this", "No quit". It's a nice change.
I'm slowly learning to take compliments too. I don't question people anymore. I try really hard to smile and thank the person complimenting me instead of asking them if they're nuts. I do appreciate the kind words and people taking time out of their day to let me know they notice me or something about me.
Another personal area I'm working hard on is those things that scare me. The ideas I hear and my immediate response is "Oh HELL no...no way, not me". I used to go with my gut and just say no. Now I at least force myself to think about it. If something scares me, but participating won't cause me any harm then I think I owe it to myself to give it a try. I might not be the best/prettiest/strongest/smartest, but if I never try I'll never know what I am truly capable of.
I think that's been my biggest change over year two of this journey. I feel confident enough to give myself the opportunity to experience all that is out there. I don't shy away from new opportunities because I might not be the best. I try to put my game face on and meet the challenges head on. It's not always easy, sometimes I need a well timed kick in the butt from a mentor, but I will rise to the occasion and give it my best.
Now that I'm done reflecting it is time to get serious about 2014 and what I will accomplish in year 3 of this journey to fitness, happiness and health. You're welcome along for the ride and I'd be happy to encourage you along the path if you have decided to make 2014 your year to be more fit. I'll go for walks with you and cheer you on in any way I can. I've had so many wonderful people to cheer me on it's time to pay it forward.
Thanks for reading!
1. My number one memory for 2013 won't be a surprise for anyone: Tough Mudder. It made such an impact on me I'm going to do it again. I've been told I can get therapy for that. I just smile, those people don't understand.
Simply put: Tough Mudder changed me. I thought I was getting stronger, I was pretty sure I was more fit. When I stepped across the finish line and collected my orange headband I knew I was stronger and more fit than I believed. I discovered I was stronger than all the negative comments and voices I had let take up residence in my brain. Was I perfect? Umm...NO! I found out physical pain can be pushed aside when the goal means enough to you. I learned leaning on my friends and letting them help me is not a sign of weakness. Most importantly I figured out that the people in my life telling me good things were right: I am worth it.
2. Wall of Fame. So why in the world would someone who likes having her picture taken as much as she likes having her files audited while she's undergoing a root canal be so excited about being invited to join the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems? To me it means I have truly crossed the line from someone at the studio to a member of the FFS family.
Don't get me wrong, I have been welcomed and made to feel important from the first time I stepped through the door. It was more my own attitude: I didn't feel like I "belonged". The plaque isn't on the wall yet, but rest assured you'll know when it arrives.
3. This one was a complete shock and surprise to me. I keep hearing that it shouldn't be a shock or a surprise and I'm sure that's true, but it still feels like it came completely out of left field. I was nominated as one of the three candidates for "FFS Badass of the Year". I look at the other two nominees and I understand why they were nominated. One has made extremely impressive gains in strength and personal records. The other nominee has had physical results that are stunning. Then I look at myself...uh, wth? I missed something somewhere...or as usual, I underestimate myself and what I've accomplished in 2013.
I've been working on trust, so as much as I'd like to email the person who picked me and ask WTH?! I am making the decision to trust his choice (...and questioning it to all my friends. Thank you guys for not just smacking me and telling me to shut up). Saturday at the Badass Appreciation Party the Badass of the Year will be announced. I wish the other two nominees the best of luck and I will cheer and clap the loudest for whichever one of them wins. Yes, I know it could be me as well, but in that case there will be even more shock and plenty of tears.
4. I flipped the 475 pound tire. I still want someone to video this and someday I might get around to actually asking for it instead of just writing about it. Baby steps here, I'm still not a fan of pictures of myself.
Every other week I do a 10 minute circuit with 6 tire flips and 12 mountain climbers to see how many rounds I can complete. I love the feeling of getting that tire up and pushing it over.The sound it makes when it slams to the turf is so satisfying. A couple of rounds of tire flips and the stress melts away.
5. Personal growth. I actually say nice things to myself now. When I make a mistake the little voice in my head doesn't fire back with "Loser", "Idiot" or any of the countless other nasty comments that were on an endless loop in my mind. More often than not the response is "deep breath, focus. Try again." Sometimes the voice sounds suspiciously like Ben when I hear "Fight", "Dominate this", "No quit". It's a nice change.
I'm slowly learning to take compliments too. I don't question people anymore. I try really hard to smile and thank the person complimenting me instead of asking them if they're nuts. I do appreciate the kind words and people taking time out of their day to let me know they notice me or something about me.
Another personal area I'm working hard on is those things that scare me. The ideas I hear and my immediate response is "Oh HELL no...no way, not me". I used to go with my gut and just say no. Now I at least force myself to think about it. If something scares me, but participating won't cause me any harm then I think I owe it to myself to give it a try. I might not be the best/prettiest/strongest/smartest, but if I never try I'll never know what I am truly capable of.
I think that's been my biggest change over year two of this journey. I feel confident enough to give myself the opportunity to experience all that is out there. I don't shy away from new opportunities because I might not be the best. I try to put my game face on and meet the challenges head on. It's not always easy, sometimes I need a well timed kick in the butt from a mentor, but I will rise to the occasion and give it my best.
Now that I'm done reflecting it is time to get serious about 2014 and what I will accomplish in year 3 of this journey to fitness, happiness and health. You're welcome along for the ride and I'd be happy to encourage you along the path if you have decided to make 2014 your year to be more fit. I'll go for walks with you and cheer you on in any way I can. I've had so many wonderful people to cheer me on it's time to pay it forward.
Thanks for reading!
 |
| One of my wonderful Christmas gifts! TM 2014 here I come!! |
Sunday, December 15, 2013
What Not to Wear
This isn't the post I planned to write when I sat down, but it's been on my mind. There's no time like the present, right?
I was industrious this weekend. Not only did I make lots of Christmas cookies and vacuum the house top to bottom, I did three loads of laundry. As I was folding my clothes it dawned on me I have no idea how to dress myself. Yes, I manage to go through each day with clothes on, but I have NO idea whatsoever if what I choose looks good. I have two new-to-me sweaters I wore last week and I was SO uncomfortable in them. People made it a point to tell me how good they looked and all I wanted to do was whine and tell them how much I just wanted my big, baggy sweaters back.
You see, until not too long ago clothes were camouflage and something to put on to keep my body covered. I didn't care if it looked good: I wanted to be covered. If the clothing wasn't pretty it was no problem: I didn't feel pretty, I didn't care if I looked pretty.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel pretty now, but I have taken an interest in clothing. It started with wanting t-shirts that fit. There's nothing like putting a 2XL shirt on to workout and realizing in the middle of bear crawls that everyone in the studio would know what your bra looked like if they were paying attention. So now I have clothing I can wear and not be the FFS flasher.
My attention has turned to my work wardrobe now. That 3XL sweater is a nice color, but it swims on me. I still wear it, but I know I could do better. I feel sometimes like I'm doing my body a disservice by just throwing on whatever clothes I pull out of the closet.
And I have a confession...on weekends, when I have no intention of leaving the house I have a 5XL sweatshirt I pull out to wear. Yes, I said 5XL. I'm pretty sure I could go camping with all of my friends and use that sweatshirt as a tent. It's huge, not in the least flattering and if you ask me to give it up I will fight you tooth and nail to hang onto it.
Why? Why is that enormous old sweatshirt so important to me? Simply put it's about comfort and safety. It's time to let it go: yes I need to feel comfortable and safe, but I can find those feelings with my friends and family. I'm not convinced I'm quite ready to give up the old, baggy clothing yet, but as I told someone on Friday I'm never going to accomplish anything if I don't step outside my comfort zone.
I'm all about stepping away from comfort zones in other areas of my life to see what waits beyond. It's time to do that with my clothes as well. I have some good friends (saints really) who have agreed to go shopping with me sometime after the holidays and help me find clothes that look good and make me feel good too. I don't have to like it, I just have to take that step with an open mind.
My next post will very likely be the one I planned to write tonight. Year two of this journey is coming to an end. I'd like to reflect on the year and you're welcome to come along if you have nothing better to do.
Thanks for reading!
I was industrious this weekend. Not only did I make lots of Christmas cookies and vacuum the house top to bottom, I did three loads of laundry. As I was folding my clothes it dawned on me I have no idea how to dress myself. Yes, I manage to go through each day with clothes on, but I have NO idea whatsoever if what I choose looks good. I have two new-to-me sweaters I wore last week and I was SO uncomfortable in them. People made it a point to tell me how good they looked and all I wanted to do was whine and tell them how much I just wanted my big, baggy sweaters back.
You see, until not too long ago clothes were camouflage and something to put on to keep my body covered. I didn't care if it looked good: I wanted to be covered. If the clothing wasn't pretty it was no problem: I didn't feel pretty, I didn't care if I looked pretty.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel pretty now, but I have taken an interest in clothing. It started with wanting t-shirts that fit. There's nothing like putting a 2XL shirt on to workout and realizing in the middle of bear crawls that everyone in the studio would know what your bra looked like if they were paying attention. So now I have clothing I can wear and not be the FFS flasher.
My attention has turned to my work wardrobe now. That 3XL sweater is a nice color, but it swims on me. I still wear it, but I know I could do better. I feel sometimes like I'm doing my body a disservice by just throwing on whatever clothes I pull out of the closet.
And I have a confession...on weekends, when I have no intention of leaving the house I have a 5XL sweatshirt I pull out to wear. Yes, I said 5XL. I'm pretty sure I could go camping with all of my friends and use that sweatshirt as a tent. It's huge, not in the least flattering and if you ask me to give it up I will fight you tooth and nail to hang onto it.
Why? Why is that enormous old sweatshirt so important to me? Simply put it's about comfort and safety. It's time to let it go: yes I need to feel comfortable and safe, but I can find those feelings with my friends and family. I'm not convinced I'm quite ready to give up the old, baggy clothing yet, but as I told someone on Friday I'm never going to accomplish anything if I don't step outside my comfort zone.
I'm all about stepping away from comfort zones in other areas of my life to see what waits beyond. It's time to do that with my clothes as well. I have some good friends (saints really) who have agreed to go shopping with me sometime after the holidays and help me find clothes that look good and make me feel good too. I don't have to like it, I just have to take that step with an open mind.
My next post will very likely be the one I planned to write tonight. Year two of this journey is coming to an end. I'd like to reflect on the year and you're welcome to come along if you have nothing better to do.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Please pass the tissues...
In my last blog entry I wondered why I'm an inspiration to some. I would understand being an irritant or a nuisance, but an inspiration: that one I can't quite wrap my head around.
Disclaimer: I am still not asking anyone to explain it to me. This is my forum to work through my "crazies" (Thank you Nedah for that term: it is perfect). If you are reading this you probably know me and know I am obsessive and I tend to get stuck on things when I'm confused. I don't expect anyone to stroke my ego and tell me how great I am. I'm just doing my best to understand.
Since I last posted a dream came true and I got a surprise I couldn't have fathomed and still haven't fully processed. This is my blog, my place to try and make sense of things, so prepare to read my mental gymnastics while I try to figure it all out.
You know, that could be one of my problems: I want everything to make sense. Yes, I mean EVERYTHING. When you have spent any time in your life feeling out of control you cling to any shred of control with all you have. Hence my obsessive need to understand things. If I bore you my feelings won't be hurt if you move on to something more interesting.
On to the dream come true: I was invited to be on the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems. The day before Thanksgiving I was lounging, enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee and an unexpected snow day when a message notification popped up on Facebook. I opened my inbox and swallowed: a message from Ben. Not in and of itself a bad thing, okay reality check: messages from Ben are never bad: usually just answering my latest question and I ask many questions. I can't help it though, it's my knee jerk reaction.
So back to the message. Ben let me know I was being invited to be on the Wall of Fame. This has been my dream since I sidled into the studio for the first time. I looked at those pictures and I wanted to be there too. When the workouts were too hard and I wanted to quit I found my eyes drawn to that wall and those people: I wanted to be there too. The moment had arrived and how did I react: I cried. A proud moment. Then I had to find a before and after picture to send to Ben. That produced a whole new round of tears.I found the pictures, the before picture shows me in April 2010 long before I started my journey, the "after" picture is one taken in November 2013 and it's not an after: it's a "right now".
Fine, I adjusted to the idea of making the Wall of Fame. A few tears, but nothing I couldn't make sense of.
Enter Monday morning. While I was stretching my piriformis muscles which were raising a chorus about the work I had just put them through the instructor said he would be announcing Badass of the Year candidate 2 and that person was in the room. That probably should have given me a clue, but I continued on oblivious to it all. Then he said my name and read what Ben had to say about me. From the moment I heard my name I was on guard: no way was I going to cry in front of all those people.
In the interest of making a long story a little less long: I held the tears off until I was in my car: then all bets were off.
I didn't understand, to be honest I still don't understand. I'm just ME. I don't do what I do for anyone else, I wish I could say I did. Let me be honest and up front: I am selfish. My workouts are for me, so I feel better and maybe look better. I am forcing myself out of my head during workouts and I try to encourage the people around me...sometimes I do it and other times I finish a workout and realize I haven't said a word. I'm working on it, I'm not perfect yet.
What do I feel? I feel bewildered, awed, honored and most of all weepy. I never dreamed I would be considered for Badass of the Year and I certainly don't feel worthy when I look at the first candidate...I'm sure that feeling won't change when Candidate 3 is announced.
I'm starting to look ahead too. 2014 is fast approaching and I intend to be ready. I have several goals that I'll share right now and on January 1 I will share all of my goals again. If I post them here there's a chance I'll be able to remember them, or at the very least, find them when I forget what I was working for.
1. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours.
2. Complete a Spartan Sprint.
3. Flip the 525 pound tire at FFS.
4. Compete in a strongman competition.
5. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes.
c. Train for a half marathon
So there you have it. Thanks for reading...now go back to your evening. I'm going back to being bewildered.
Disclaimer: I am still not asking anyone to explain it to me. This is my forum to work through my "crazies" (Thank you Nedah for that term: it is perfect). If you are reading this you probably know me and know I am obsessive and I tend to get stuck on things when I'm confused. I don't expect anyone to stroke my ego and tell me how great I am. I'm just doing my best to understand.
Since I last posted a dream came true and I got a surprise I couldn't have fathomed and still haven't fully processed. This is my blog, my place to try and make sense of things, so prepare to read my mental gymnastics while I try to figure it all out.
You know, that could be one of my problems: I want everything to make sense. Yes, I mean EVERYTHING. When you have spent any time in your life feeling out of control you cling to any shred of control with all you have. Hence my obsessive need to understand things. If I bore you my feelings won't be hurt if you move on to something more interesting.
On to the dream come true: I was invited to be on the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems. The day before Thanksgiving I was lounging, enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee and an unexpected snow day when a message notification popped up on Facebook. I opened my inbox and swallowed: a message from Ben. Not in and of itself a bad thing, okay reality check: messages from Ben are never bad: usually just answering my latest question and I ask many questions. I can't help it though, it's my knee jerk reaction.
So back to the message. Ben let me know I was being invited to be on the Wall of Fame. This has been my dream since I sidled into the studio for the first time. I looked at those pictures and I wanted to be there too. When the workouts were too hard and I wanted to quit I found my eyes drawn to that wall and those people: I wanted to be there too. The moment had arrived and how did I react: I cried. A proud moment. Then I had to find a before and after picture to send to Ben. That produced a whole new round of tears.I found the pictures, the before picture shows me in April 2010 long before I started my journey, the "after" picture is one taken in November 2013 and it's not an after: it's a "right now".
Fine, I adjusted to the idea of making the Wall of Fame. A few tears, but nothing I couldn't make sense of.
Enter Monday morning. While I was stretching my piriformis muscles which were raising a chorus about the work I had just put them through the instructor said he would be announcing Badass of the Year candidate 2 and that person was in the room. That probably should have given me a clue, but I continued on oblivious to it all. Then he said my name and read what Ben had to say about me. From the moment I heard my name I was on guard: no way was I going to cry in front of all those people.
In the interest of making a long story a little less long: I held the tears off until I was in my car: then all bets were off.
I didn't understand, to be honest I still don't understand. I'm just ME. I don't do what I do for anyone else, I wish I could say I did. Let me be honest and up front: I am selfish. My workouts are for me, so I feel better and maybe look better. I am forcing myself out of my head during workouts and I try to encourage the people around me...sometimes I do it and other times I finish a workout and realize I haven't said a word. I'm working on it, I'm not perfect yet.
What do I feel? I feel bewildered, awed, honored and most of all weepy. I never dreamed I would be considered for Badass of the Year and I certainly don't feel worthy when I look at the first candidate...I'm sure that feeling won't change when Candidate 3 is announced.
I'm starting to look ahead too. 2014 is fast approaching and I intend to be ready. I have several goals that I'll share right now and on January 1 I will share all of my goals again. If I post them here there's a chance I'll be able to remember them, or at the very least, find them when I forget what I was working for.
1. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours.
2. Complete a Spartan Sprint.
3. Flip the 525 pound tire at FFS.
4. Compete in a strongman competition.
5. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes.
c. Train for a half marathon
So there you have it. Thanks for reading...now go back to your evening. I'm going back to being bewildered.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Who me??
So what's new with you? Nothing much new here. I seem to keep encountering the same themes in my life over and over again. This probably means it's time for me to pay attention since I'm obviously missing a lesson I need to learn. I've mentioned before that I'm a slow learner, right? I am not saying I'm stupid, I know I'm intelligent, but there are just some qualities that other people see in me that I don't see so I still find myself perplexed when someone mentions them.
The one I've heard the most and the one I understand the least is that I am an inspiration. I smile, say thank you and silently ponder what the heck people mean. Before you think I'm asking for praise or reassurance: I'm not. I don't see that anything I've done is inspirational to be completely honest. I wasn't the winner of the Biggest Mooser competition, I certainly don't jump out of bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning thinking "YES! It's 4:45 am and I get to go sweat and push myself to my limit in a few minutes". In fact, there are some mornings I don't get up.
I don't think I shine in every workout, I struggle to complete reps and I don't think I've ever been able to complete 3 rounds of any group of 3 exercises in 3 minutes, someday I hope for that for now I settle for 1.5 rounds and that's the best I can do. I get angry and frustrated with myself and I'm too quiet and focused on myself to notice those around me very often.
Let me stop for second and say I'm not saying I'm a horrible, rotten person, but if you are looking for inspirations then I can give you a list of people who might be better to look at. Look at Ben, Mary, Nedah, Mike, Julie, Troy, Pam, Sylvie, Carole, Hailey, Lisa, Eric, Jess, everyone on the Wall of Fame: they are inspirational. Me, I'm just struggling to get through the workout like everyone else.
Maybe people think I'm an inspiration because I won't quit? I try to be consistent with my exercise and nutrition and for the most part I succeed. I don't try to shove what I do down people's throats, I know the path I've chosen is right for me, that it won't work for everyone. If you ask me I'll talk to you about it and I'd love for you to come join me at Fortitude Fitness Systems, but I won't nag you until you come. Everyone has their own path and my path won't work for anyone but me.
Maybe I'm an inspiration because I won't lie? You know those people: "Oh, it's so easy. Nothing to it at all". Um, yeah...I'd like to knock people like that down the stairs. Maybe their path truly was easy, but I know mine has been a battle and I've had to decide MANY times whether it's worth it to me to keep going. I haven't quit yet, I don't plan to quit; but that doesn't mean that sometimes I wouldn't like to turn around and walk out the door rather than push that prowler one more time or climb that rope. I won't ever lie to anyone and tell them this is easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it's worth it to me: I am a healthier, overall happier person than I've been before.
If you think I am an inspiration then I sincerely want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm not trying to talk you out of feeling that way: I just want to be honest and tell you I don't understand why. I'm not saying you're wrong, I am wise enough to know that who I see when I look at myself isn't who other people see. I'm not asking you to sit me down and explain your reasons, that just makes me feel like I'm begging for attention and I don't do that. I read a quote once to the effect that what other people think of you is none of your business and I'm content to live with that.
As always, thanks for reading... now back to your day
The one I've heard the most and the one I understand the least is that I am an inspiration. I smile, say thank you and silently ponder what the heck people mean. Before you think I'm asking for praise or reassurance: I'm not. I don't see that anything I've done is inspirational to be completely honest. I wasn't the winner of the Biggest Mooser competition, I certainly don't jump out of bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning thinking "YES! It's 4:45 am and I get to go sweat and push myself to my limit in a few minutes". In fact, there are some mornings I don't get up.
I don't think I shine in every workout, I struggle to complete reps and I don't think I've ever been able to complete 3 rounds of any group of 3 exercises in 3 minutes, someday I hope for that for now I settle for 1.5 rounds and that's the best I can do. I get angry and frustrated with myself and I'm too quiet and focused on myself to notice those around me very often.
Let me stop for second and say I'm not saying I'm a horrible, rotten person, but if you are looking for inspirations then I can give you a list of people who might be better to look at. Look at Ben, Mary, Nedah, Mike, Julie, Troy, Pam, Sylvie, Carole, Hailey, Lisa, Eric, Jess, everyone on the Wall of Fame: they are inspirational. Me, I'm just struggling to get through the workout like everyone else.
Maybe people think I'm an inspiration because I won't quit? I try to be consistent with my exercise and nutrition and for the most part I succeed. I don't try to shove what I do down people's throats, I know the path I've chosen is right for me, that it won't work for everyone. If you ask me I'll talk to you about it and I'd love for you to come join me at Fortitude Fitness Systems, but I won't nag you until you come. Everyone has their own path and my path won't work for anyone but me.
Maybe I'm an inspiration because I won't lie? You know those people: "Oh, it's so easy. Nothing to it at all". Um, yeah...I'd like to knock people like that down the stairs. Maybe their path truly was easy, but I know mine has been a battle and I've had to decide MANY times whether it's worth it to me to keep going. I haven't quit yet, I don't plan to quit; but that doesn't mean that sometimes I wouldn't like to turn around and walk out the door rather than push that prowler one more time or climb that rope. I won't ever lie to anyone and tell them this is easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it's worth it to me: I am a healthier, overall happier person than I've been before.
If you think I am an inspiration then I sincerely want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm not trying to talk you out of feeling that way: I just want to be honest and tell you I don't understand why. I'm not saying you're wrong, I am wise enough to know that who I see when I look at myself isn't who other people see. I'm not asking you to sit me down and explain your reasons, that just makes me feel like I'm begging for attention and I don't do that. I read a quote once to the effect that what other people think of you is none of your business and I'm content to live with that.
As always, thanks for reading... now back to your day
Monday, November 18, 2013
Inspiration
What an AMAZING weekend! Road Tripping with a great friend and more Mudder!
I had the opportunity to go to Englishtown, New Jersey and watch World's Toughest Mudder. I was there partly to support my fitness professional, Ben, and I was curious. What would the course look like and more importantly to me, what would the competitors look like? I will be honest and admit that I expected to see a lot of really buff people. There were many of those, but there were also average looking people. Maybe average isn't the right word, since I don't think there is anything average about someone who would choose to compete in World's Toughest Mudder.
The point of that was, that most of those people weren't all that different from me. I see myself as average in many ways. Does this mean I am thinking I could compete in World's Toughest Mudder: HECK NO! Not right now, maybe not ever, but it made me think...a lot.
The idea that maybe I am ready for things I don't think I am kept me tossing and turning into the wee hours. I've been harboring and nurturing a little dream for awhile now. I stepped way outside any semblance of comfort and tried to do something about it last spring/summer but the time wasn't right and I really was not ready.
I thank you Ben for being kind and gracious enough to offer me advice and pointers and things I could work on. At the time I wasn't ready, I suspect he knew that, but he was kind enough not to crush the dream. He could have laughed at me, told me I was nuts, but he never did that. I could thank him privately for that, but I think it merits a public thank you. So there it is: Thank you Ben for knowing me better than I knew myself.
Mary Hoadley also deserves a huge thanks. She has known me since my beginnings as a Mooser and she has done nothing but encourage and support me. I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to take her classes at the Wellness Center too. Those classes are nice complements to my work at Fortitude Fitness Systems. I've discovered as much as I LOVE the heavy lifting, tire flipping and pushing the Prowler around until I think I might be sick I also love yogalaties and I'm learning to appreciate Zumba.
With that out of the way, I'm ready now. I'm willing and able to take the steps I need to take to become an instructor. I want to do this right though: I will seek training. I will work as hard on this as I work at being a special education teacher. I won't ever do anything half-way or half-assed. It's not who I am and not anything I would be comfortable with. If I am going to try to help people improve their lives as I've been helped I want to be competent and for me that means I need to learn. It will take time, probably a lot of time.
So I'm still in the midst of my journey and transformation and I've figured out the next portion of the road. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
I had the opportunity to go to Englishtown, New Jersey and watch World's Toughest Mudder. I was there partly to support my fitness professional, Ben, and I was curious. What would the course look like and more importantly to me, what would the competitors look like? I will be honest and admit that I expected to see a lot of really buff people. There were many of those, but there were also average looking people. Maybe average isn't the right word, since I don't think there is anything average about someone who would choose to compete in World's Toughest Mudder.
The point of that was, that most of those people weren't all that different from me. I see myself as average in many ways. Does this mean I am thinking I could compete in World's Toughest Mudder: HECK NO! Not right now, maybe not ever, but it made me think...a lot.
The idea that maybe I am ready for things I don't think I am kept me tossing and turning into the wee hours. I've been harboring and nurturing a little dream for awhile now. I stepped way outside any semblance of comfort and tried to do something about it last spring/summer but the time wasn't right and I really was not ready.
I thank you Ben for being kind and gracious enough to offer me advice and pointers and things I could work on. At the time I wasn't ready, I suspect he knew that, but he was kind enough not to crush the dream. He could have laughed at me, told me I was nuts, but he never did that. I could thank him privately for that, but I think it merits a public thank you. So there it is: Thank you Ben for knowing me better than I knew myself.
Mary Hoadley also deserves a huge thanks. She has known me since my beginnings as a Mooser and she has done nothing but encourage and support me. I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to take her classes at the Wellness Center too. Those classes are nice complements to my work at Fortitude Fitness Systems. I've discovered as much as I LOVE the heavy lifting, tire flipping and pushing the Prowler around until I think I might be sick I also love yogalaties and I'm learning to appreciate Zumba.
With that out of the way, I'm ready now. I'm willing and able to take the steps I need to take to become an instructor. I want to do this right though: I will seek training. I will work as hard on this as I work at being a special education teacher. I won't ever do anything half-way or half-assed. It's not who I am and not anything I would be comfortable with. If I am going to try to help people improve their lives as I've been helped I want to be competent and for me that means I need to learn. It will take time, probably a lot of time.
So I'm still in the midst of my journey and transformation and I've figured out the next portion of the road. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
It's been awhile. No excuses, no promises to be better about writing, just a simple observation. I'm not hiding or anything, I'm not that exciting or fascinating that I'd need to hide.
Measurements were done and basically there was no change. I'll get to those numbers, don't worry. First I'd like you to see some pictures. If you've read my blog for any period of time you've seen this first picture.
Don't I look thrilled? As much as I like and respect Ben Warstler, I'm pretty sure my primary thought at the moment this picture was taken was I hope his phone dies so this picture never, ever sees the light of day. No smile in evidence because I didn't see anything to smile about.
Now a picture you haven't seen before. Taken on Friday, November 8, 2013.
Even I can see changes in this one. Not so much the size, but we won't get into that again. The change I see most is that I actually look confident. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have solved my self-esteem and self-confidence issues, but I'm making progress.
So now those measurements. I'm hoping to have a new body fat percentage the next time I get measured. For now we'll just assume it is the same.
October 17, 2013
Weight: 233 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 28.2%
Hips: 47.25 inches
Waist: 37.5 inches
Thigh: 26 inches
Arm: 13.5 inches
Total Body Fat Percentage lost: 9.7%
Total Inches lost: 16.75 inches
Total Pounds lost: 60 pounds
As the end of the year approaches I'd like to reflect back on the goals I set in January, but to be honest I don't have any clue what goals seemed so important back then. I dutifully wrote them down on an index card for Ben as requested. Made a copy for myself before I handed over the card and promptly lost my copy. Oh well, this way when I review them at the end of the year they'll be a complete surprise, right? I do know one goal was to do 1 unassisted pull up. Working on that one.
On with your evening now and thanks for reading!
Measurements were done and basically there was no change. I'll get to those numbers, don't worry. First I'd like you to see some pictures. If you've read my blog for any period of time you've seen this first picture.
 | ||
| January 2012 |
Now a picture you haven't seen before. Taken on Friday, November 8, 2013.
 |
| November 2013 |
So now those measurements. I'm hoping to have a new body fat percentage the next time I get measured. For now we'll just assume it is the same.
October 17, 2013
Weight: 233 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 28.2%
Hips: 47.25 inches
Waist: 37.5 inches
Thigh: 26 inches
Arm: 13.5 inches
Total Body Fat Percentage lost: 9.7%
Total Inches lost: 16.75 inches
Total Pounds lost: 60 pounds
As the end of the year approaches I'd like to reflect back on the goals I set in January, but to be honest I don't have any clue what goals seemed so important back then. I dutifully wrote them down on an index card for Ben as requested. Made a copy for myself before I handed over the card and promptly lost my copy. Oh well, this way when I review them at the end of the year they'll be a complete surprise, right? I do know one goal was to do 1 unassisted pull up. Working on that one.
On with your evening now and thanks for reading!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Fear
I think I'm a fearful person by nature. I might say the right things and try to be optimistic and calm, but inside whenever something isn't going the way I planned for it to go I feel panic building. Fortunately as a (usually) rational, (semi) sane person I can calm the panic, or at least stuff it into a box and sit on the lid until I can escape. Sometimes I can't do that though. Sometimes I feel so raw it's all I can do not to let the tears in my eyes be heard in my voice.
In my other life, the one where I don't assume that people care what I think nor do they want to spend their valuable free time reading my ramblings, I am a special education teacher. I try to remain calm, positive and tear-free during the day so I don't cause my students any stress or discomfort. I have varying levels of success with that. I care deeply about what I do, I plan obsessively and I always try to have several back up plans for those times when Plan A needs to be thrown out the window. When things don't go well, or someone throws a monkey wrench into my plans I feel awful. I might be able to hold it together, but it drives me crazy and my anxiety level shoots through the roof.
Then there's the rest of my life. The parts where I drive home from my early morning workouts and find the tears falling because I don't think I measured up. When exactly did I become a fitness professional? How do I really know I didn't measure up? No one has ever stopped me and said "Wow, you sucked today. Get your head back on straight before you come back". Those tears are based in fear. The fear I won't be able to maintain the weight loss and my instructors will give up on me. I didn't say it was rational, I've discovered that fear is very often irrational. None of my instructors have ever given the slightest indication that they would like me to walk out and never walk back in. None of them have ever made me feel like I am nothing more than money to them.
So what gives??? Didn't I leave all this garbage somewhere on Mount Snow in August? Am I just crazy?
What gives is that I'm human. I'm human and I'm my own worst critic. I feel like I have to be perfect to make people want to spend time with me. Yes, there have been people in my life who have fostered that belief, but it's still on me. I chose to believe it and I have mostly chosen to live my life as if that is true. How silly is it that I believe I have to be the perfect, quiet, most flexible person in any group to be worthy?
I'll answer my own question: it is RIDICULOUS! If you aren't going to like me for being myself chances are good you wouldn't really like me even if I try to be perfect.
So how is this confession part of my weight loss/better health journey? I'm beginning to see more and more that in order to be able to continue on this journey I need to let go of the mental/emotional weight too. I can't be perfect and I shouldn't even expect myself to be. I have to be myself for better or for worse.
Next week there will be measurements to report. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
In my other life, the one where I don't assume that people care what I think nor do they want to spend their valuable free time reading my ramblings, I am a special education teacher. I try to remain calm, positive and tear-free during the day so I don't cause my students any stress or discomfort. I have varying levels of success with that. I care deeply about what I do, I plan obsessively and I always try to have several back up plans for those times when Plan A needs to be thrown out the window. When things don't go well, or someone throws a monkey wrench into my plans I feel awful. I might be able to hold it together, but it drives me crazy and my anxiety level shoots through the roof.
Then there's the rest of my life. The parts where I drive home from my early morning workouts and find the tears falling because I don't think I measured up. When exactly did I become a fitness professional? How do I really know I didn't measure up? No one has ever stopped me and said "Wow, you sucked today. Get your head back on straight before you come back". Those tears are based in fear. The fear I won't be able to maintain the weight loss and my instructors will give up on me. I didn't say it was rational, I've discovered that fear is very often irrational. None of my instructors have ever given the slightest indication that they would like me to walk out and never walk back in. None of them have ever made me feel like I am nothing more than money to them.
So what gives??? Didn't I leave all this garbage somewhere on Mount Snow in August? Am I just crazy?
What gives is that I'm human. I'm human and I'm my own worst critic. I feel like I have to be perfect to make people want to spend time with me. Yes, there have been people in my life who have fostered that belief, but it's still on me. I chose to believe it and I have mostly chosen to live my life as if that is true. How silly is it that I believe I have to be the perfect, quiet, most flexible person in any group to be worthy?
I'll answer my own question: it is RIDICULOUS! If you aren't going to like me for being myself chances are good you wouldn't really like me even if I try to be perfect.
So how is this confession part of my weight loss/better health journey? I'm beginning to see more and more that in order to be able to continue on this journey I need to let go of the mental/emotional weight too. I can't be perfect and I shouldn't even expect myself to be. I have to be myself for better or for worse.
Next week there will be measurements to report. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)