Something to Prove

Someone told me recently that I have nothing to prove to anyone. This comment, while true, got me thinking. Yes, I know I need to think less and do more. Thinking quite often gets me in trouble because it rouses some of those doubts that hang on no matter how many positive comments and/or compliments I get. I've come to the conclusion that some of my doubts are just hardwired in, they are a part of my personality. The part that drives me to be as good as I can be and then push to be even better. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

When the doubts become a real problem is when I let them clamor so loudly I do feel like I have something to prove. I've been in that place this week. Feeling as if I don't quite deserve what I've been given and in order to deserve it I need to be perfect. As soon as the idea that I need to be perfect enters my mind alarms go off. I'm drifting back into a place where the positive loop I'm trying hard to run in my head is replaced by the negative one. I don't want to hear "How could you screw that up? You can't do anything right! You suck, this change won't last." ever again. I have done a good job at throwing that loop tape out, but it's not gone. Just skulking around at the periphery of my life waiting for the opportunity to jump back in and attack.

So since I'm going to be honest, even if it makes me look and sound like I'm crazy: Yes, I DO feel like I need to prove something. What do I have to prove?

1. This transformation is NOT temporary. Those people waiting for me to fail are going to be waiting for something that is NOT going to happen.
2. I'm not the ugly little fat girl anymore.
3. I am not any one's doormat.
4. I deserve the title badass of the year.

To be completely fair and totally honest, I think the person I need to prove all of this to is myself. None of my friends, family, acquaintances or instructors seem to have the least bit of difficulty believing the things I struggle to believe.

I've accepted that people see things in me that I don't/can't see. I'm prepared to accept that the things I feel I have to prove only need to be proved to myself and I may never be able to make myself believe the good things completely.

Then again, if you had told me in 2012 I would ever look forward to getting drenched in sweat and feeling exhausted I would have laughed at you. Now a day when I don't get sweaty and really tired doesn't seem complete.

I'm a work in progress. I'm better than I was, but not as good as I will be with time, hard work and especially patience.

Thanks for reading!