Purpose

What is my purpose for being here?

It's interesting how many hours of thought and contemplation I've put into that question and how when I stopped thinking I found the answer. I can picture at least one reader smirking and shaking his head at this moment wondering when I will learn to listen. There are probably several of you doing that actually.

My world turned upside down for a time this week. One of my dearest friends, Eric,  had a massive heart attack. His fiancee, Hailey,  is another dear friend and when I think of one of them I think of the other. I couldn't imagine a world without him. Every free moment was spent praying, thinking positive thoughts, sending healing vibes and love. I wasn't the only one, the outpouring of love and support renewed my faith in humanity. I'm happy to report he is home recuperating.

I went out for a celebratory lunch with Jennifer, Hailey and Eric yesterday at Gusanoz. Can I just say: YUM! Love that restaurant.

Anyhow, on the way to Dartmouth Jen and I had a chance to talk. I think I shocked her at one point. We were talking about what brought us to Fortitude Fitness Systems. I told her it was my last ditch effort and she said "Oh, before surgery?" I debated letting it stay there and decided not to. I tend to edit myself a lot to be "acceptable" and "good".  At that moment and again tonight, I'm just going to be honest.

What I meant by last ditch effort and what I told Jennifer was I didn't want to live. I was miserable and unhealthy, I knew I couldn't continue that way and I had no desire to. Before I go any further let me make it crystal clear that I don't feel that way anymore. Life can messy, wonderful, scary and it is so precious. There will be no quitting here. Life isn't always easy, many days it's not fun, but it is my life and it is my job to make it as enjoyable as possible.

I've always been the too-sensitive worrier who wants to be perfect. I still worry, I definitely think too much, we won't even talk about my perfectionist tendencies, but the sensitivity is fading. Probably left that behind somewhere on Mount Snow last August too. I don't think I'll look for it when I'm there again on May 31, I can't say I miss it. It's pretty exhausting worrying all the time that you're going to let someone down or not be good enough.

I have discovered that my purpose is simply to be myself: To encourage people beginning their own journey when I can. To give my time and help freely when it is needed. To accept that what others see in me may never be what I see. To give every ounce of effort I have in my workouts so I don't leave feeling like I cheated.

Most of all my purpose is to live this life to the fullest and if it inspires other people that is wonderful. I'm going to continue working out, growing and changing.

On with your evening.

Thanks for reading.