In my last blog entry I wondered why I'm an inspiration to some. I would understand being an irritant or a nuisance, but an inspiration: that one I can't quite wrap my head around.
Disclaimer: I am still not asking anyone to explain it to me. This is my forum to work through my "crazies" (Thank you Nedah for that term: it is perfect). If you are reading this you probably know me and know I am obsessive and I tend to get stuck on things when I'm confused. I don't expect anyone to stroke my ego and tell me how great I am. I'm just doing my best to understand.
Since I last posted a dream came true and I got a surprise I couldn't have fathomed and still haven't fully processed. This is my blog, my place to try and make sense of things, so prepare to read my mental gymnastics while I try to figure it all out.
You know, that could be one of my problems: I want everything to make sense. Yes, I mean EVERYTHING. When you have spent any time in your life feeling out of control you cling to any shred of control with all you have. Hence my obsessive need to understand things. If I bore you my feelings won't be hurt if you move on to something more interesting.
On to the dream come true: I was invited to be on the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems. The day before Thanksgiving I was lounging, enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee and an unexpected snow day when a message notification popped up on Facebook. I opened my inbox and swallowed: a message from Ben. Not in and of itself a bad thing, okay reality check: messages from Ben are never bad: usually just answering my latest question and I ask many questions. I can't help it though, it's my knee jerk reaction.
So back to the message. Ben let me know I was being invited to be on the Wall of Fame. This has been my dream since I sidled into the studio for the first time. I looked at those pictures and I wanted to be there too. When the workouts were too hard and I wanted to quit I found my eyes drawn to that wall and those people: I wanted to be there too. The moment had arrived and how did I react: I cried. A proud moment. Then I had to find a before and after picture to send to Ben. That produced a whole new round of tears.I found the pictures, the before picture shows me in April 2010 long before I started my journey, the "after" picture is one taken in November 2013 and it's not an after: it's a "right now".
Fine, I adjusted to the idea of making the Wall of Fame. A few tears, but nothing I couldn't make sense of.
Enter Monday morning. While I was stretching my piriformis muscles which were raising a chorus about the work I had just put them through the instructor said he would be announcing Badass of the Year candidate 2 and that person was in the room. That probably should have given me a clue, but I continued on oblivious to it all. Then he said my name and read what Ben had to say about me. From the moment I heard my name I was on guard: no way was I going to cry in front of all those people.
In the interest of making a long story a little less long: I held the tears off until I was in my car: then all bets were off.
I didn't understand, to be honest I still don't understand. I'm just ME. I don't do what I do for anyone else, I wish I could say I did. Let me be honest and up front: I am selfish. My workouts are for me, so I feel better and maybe look better. I am forcing myself out of my head during workouts and I try to encourage the people around me...sometimes I do it and other times I finish a workout and realize I haven't said a word. I'm working on it, I'm not perfect yet.
What do I feel? I feel bewildered, awed, honored and most of all weepy. I never dreamed I would be considered for Badass of the Year and I certainly don't feel worthy when I look at the first candidate...I'm sure that feeling won't change when Candidate 3 is announced.
I'm starting to look ahead too. 2014 is fast approaching and I intend to be ready. I have several goals that I'll share right now and on January 1 I will share all of my goals again. If I post them here there's a chance I'll be able to remember them, or at the very least, find them when I forget what I was working for.
1. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours.
2. Complete a Spartan Sprint.
3. Flip the 525 pound tire at FFS.
4. Compete in a strongman competition.
5. Begin running.
a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes.
b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes.
c. Train for a half marathon
So there you have it. Thanks for reading...now go back to your evening. I'm going back to being bewildered.
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