Moving Forward, Part 2

I have finished writing my goals for 2014 and I will post them in just a minute. You will notice that this year I don't have any weight goals. I have noticed the scale has a disturbing habit of going down then getting stuck in one spot for a long period of time. I find that frustrating and disheartening and I am tired of looking to the scale for reassurance. I need to look at my inches, my body fat percentage and the way my clothing fits.

Most of my goals for 2014 are fitness goals. In 2013 I made great strides in my fitness, but the lion's share of my attention was on the mental part of this journey. I had to let go of the garbage or I wouldn't have been able to move forward. 2014 is the year to bring the same focus and attention to my fitness.

Any comments or suggestions on the following goals are welcome. You may comment on this entry, message me on Facebook, or send me an email (fivepets@hotmail.com). Or we can talk face to face and you can help me work on Personal Growth and Health Goal #1.

2014 Goals

FITNESS GOALS
1. Turn in my green band by March 2014.
    a. Perform corrective exercises daily
    b. Ask Ben to assess progress in mid-February

2. Begin running.
     a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes: June 2014.
     b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes by August 2014.
     c. Train for a half marathon to be completed in 2015.

3. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours: May, 31, 2014.
    a. Continue personal training to work on strength and endurance.
    b. Begin snowshoeing and/or cross country skiing in January 2014.
    c. Hike when possible (after purchase of yak trax).

4. Complete a Spartan Sprint (Fall 2014?).

5. Compete in a strongman competition.

6. By October 2014 move up in the "300 club" on the deadlift board to 315 pounds.
    a. By February 2014, deadlift 275 pounds.
    b. By April 2014, deadlift 285 pounds.
    c. By June 2014, deadlift 295 pounds
    d. By August 2014, deadlift 305 pounds

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT & HEALTH GOALS:
1. By December 2014 I will rely less on email to communicate. I have a voice, I need to use it. On 4 out of 5 occasions when I have a question or concern I will speak with people face-to-face instead of sending a message.

2. I will endeavor to participate in activities that make me uncomfortable at least once per quarter.
a. I will participate in the Fortitude Fitness Systems Photo Shoot on Saturday, January 25, 2014.

b. I will continue to update and write in my blog regularly throughout 2014.

c. By June 2014 I will be able to step outside my own mind during a workout and encourage/support others.

3. I will accept compliments and recognition with a smile and a simple “thank you” on 8 out of 10 occasions by December 2014.

4. I will drink at least on gallon of water per day 6 out of 7 days per week.
 
5. By December 2014 I will achieve the following Hips: 43 inches; Waist: 33 inches; Thigh: 24 inches and Arm: 13 inches.
*Short term goals will be set when I have current measurements to work from.


There you have it...my map for the start of 2014. These goals are not set in stone, they will be revised and rewritten as necessary. Stay tuned for the continuing journey.

Thanks for reading: Happy New Year!

Moving Forward

As you recall in my last blog I was anxious about the announcement of Badass of the Year. Turns out I had reason to be. I was chosen as Badass of the Year for Fortitude Fitness Systems. I am rather proud of myself for not bursting into sobs the instant Ben said my name. I teared up, but I held it together fairly well. It has sunk in that it was my name and I wasn't mishearing things, but there's still a feeling of wonder and shock. It is a huge honor and I am thrilled. Stunned, but thrilled. Okay, so maybe it hasn't completely sunk in yet. Someone pinch me so I'll know I'm not dreaming.

January 1, 2014 is closing in quickly and it's time to write some goals. Most of you already know I am a special educator so I write goals for a living. Here goes...

FITNESS GOALS
1. Turn in my green band by March 2014.
    a. Perform corrective exercises daily
    b. Ask Ben to assess progress in mid-February

2. Begin running.
     a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes: June 2014.
     b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes by August 2014.
     c. Train for a half marathon to be completed in 2015.

3. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours: May, 31, 2014.
    a. Continue personal training to work on strength and endurance.
    b. Begin snowshoeing and/or cross country skiing in January 2014.
    c. Hike when possible (after purchase of yak trax).

4. Complete a Spartan Sprint (Fall 2014?).

5. Compete in a strongman competition.

6. By October 2014 move up in the "300 club" on the deadlift board to 315 pounds.
    a. By February 2014, deadlift 275 pounds.
    b. By April 2014, deadlift 285 pounds.
    c. By June 2014, deadlift 295 pounds
    d. By August 2014, deadlift 305 pounds

I have some personal and measurement goals as well, but those are less well-developed and I'm not quite ready to share them. Patience, they'll be here soon enough. If I post them here I won't need to worry about losing them in the black hole that is my bedroom.

Thanks 2013: it was an amazing year. Welcome 2014: I have BIG plans.

Thanks for reading!

Thinking back...

Wow has 2013 flown by for the most part. I'd be lying if I said that there weren't days that felt 24 years long instead of only 24 hours.  Be that as it may, in one week 2014 will be here. There are so many things I am planning to accomplish next year, but it seemed like it might be a good idea to sit back and reflect on 2013.

1. My number one memory for 2013 won't be a surprise for anyone: Tough Mudder. It made such an impact on me I'm going to do it again. I've been told I can get therapy for that. I just smile, those people don't understand.

Simply put: Tough Mudder changed me. I thought I was getting stronger, I was pretty sure I was more fit. When I stepped across the finish line and collected my orange headband I knew I was stronger and more fit than I believed. I discovered I was stronger than all the negative comments and voices I had let take up residence in my brain. Was I perfect? Umm...NO! I found out physical pain can be pushed aside when the goal means enough to you. I learned leaning on my friends and letting them help me is not a sign of weakness. Most importantly I figured out that the people in my life telling me good things were right: I am worth it.

2. Wall of Fame. So why in the world would someone who likes having her picture taken as much as she likes having her files audited while she's undergoing a root canal be so excited about being invited to join the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems? To me it means I have truly crossed the line from someone at the studio to a member of the FFS family.

Don't get me wrong, I have been welcomed and made to feel important from the first time I stepped through the door. It was more my own attitude: I didn't feel like I "belonged". The plaque isn't on the wall yet, but rest assured you'll know when it arrives.

3. This one was a complete shock and surprise to me. I keep hearing that it shouldn't be a shock or a surprise and I'm sure that's true, but it still feels like it came completely out of left field. I was nominated as one of the three candidates for "FFS Badass of the Year". I look at the other two nominees and I understand why they were nominated. One has made extremely impressive gains in strength and personal records. The other nominee has had physical results that are stunning. Then I look at myself...uh, wth? I missed something somewhere...or as usual, I underestimate myself and what I've accomplished in 2013.

I've been working on trust, so as much as I'd like to email the person who picked me and ask WTH?! I am making the decision to trust his choice (...and questioning it to all my friends. Thank you guys for not just smacking me and telling me to shut up). Saturday at the Badass Appreciation Party the Badass of the Year will be announced. I wish the other two nominees the best of luck and I will cheer and clap the loudest for whichever one of them wins. Yes, I know it could be me as well, but in that case there will be even more shock and plenty of tears.


4. I flipped the 475 pound tire. I still want someone to video this and someday I might get around to actually asking for it instead of just writing about it. Baby steps here, I'm still not a fan of pictures of myself.

Every other week I do a 10 minute circuit with 6 tire flips and 12 mountain climbers to see how many rounds I can complete. I love the feeling of getting that tire up and pushing it over.The sound it makes when it slams to the turf is so satisfying. A couple of rounds of tire flips and the stress melts away.

5. Personal growth. I actually say nice things to myself now. When I make a mistake the little voice in my head doesn't fire back with "Loser", "Idiot" or any of the countless other nasty comments that were on an endless loop in my mind. More often than not the response is "deep breath, focus. Try again." Sometimes the voice sounds suspiciously like Ben when I hear "Fight", "Dominate this", "No quit". It's a nice change.

I'm slowly learning to take compliments too. I don't question people anymore. I try really hard to smile and thank the person complimenting me instead of asking them if they're nuts. I do appreciate the kind words and people taking time out of their day to let me know they notice me or something about me.

Another personal area I'm working hard on is those things that scare me. The ideas I hear and my immediate response is "Oh HELL no...no way, not me". I used to go with my gut and just say no. Now I at least force myself to think about it. If something scares me, but participating won't cause me any harm then I think I owe it to myself to give it a try. I might not be the best/prettiest/strongest/smartest, but if I never try I'll never know what I am truly capable of.

I think that's been my biggest change over year two of this journey. I feel confident enough to give myself the opportunity to experience all that is out there. I don't shy away from new opportunities because I might not be the best. I try to put my game face on and meet the challenges head on. It's not always easy, sometimes I need a well timed kick in the butt from a mentor, but I will rise to the occasion and give it my best.

Now that I'm done reflecting it is time to get serious about 2014 and what I will accomplish in year 3 of this journey to fitness, happiness and health. You're welcome along for the ride and I'd be happy to encourage you along the path if you have decided to make 2014 your year to be more fit. I'll go for walks with you and cheer you on in any way I can. I've had so many wonderful people to cheer me on it's time to pay it forward.

Thanks for reading!

One of my wonderful Christmas gifts! TM 2014 here I come!!

What Not to Wear

This isn't the post I planned to write when I sat down, but it's been on my mind. There's no time like the present, right?

I was industrious this weekend. Not only did I make lots of Christmas cookies and vacuum the house top to bottom, I did three loads of laundry. As I was folding my clothes it dawned on me I have no idea how to dress myself. Yes, I manage to go through each day with clothes on, but I have NO idea whatsoever if what I choose looks good. I have two new-to-me sweaters I wore last week and I was SO uncomfortable in them. People made it a point to tell me how good they looked and all I wanted to do was whine and tell them how much I just wanted my big, baggy sweaters back.

You see, until not too long ago clothes were camouflage and something to put on to keep my body covered. I didn't care if it looked good: I wanted to be covered. If the clothing wasn't pretty it was no problem: I didn't feel pretty, I didn't care if I looked pretty.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel pretty now, but I have taken an interest in clothing. It started with wanting t-shirts that fit. There's nothing like putting a 2XL shirt on to workout and realizing in the middle of bear crawls that everyone in the studio would know what your bra looked like if they were paying attention. So now I have clothing I can wear and not be the FFS flasher.

My attention has turned to my work wardrobe now. That 3XL sweater is a nice color, but it swims on me. I still wear it, but I know I could do better. I feel sometimes like I'm doing my body a disservice by just throwing on whatever clothes I pull out of the closet.

And I have a confession...on weekends, when I have no intention of leaving the house I have a 5XL sweatshirt I pull out to wear. Yes, I said 5XL. I'm pretty sure I could go camping with all of my friends and use that sweatshirt as a tent. It's huge, not in the least flattering and if you ask me to give it up I will fight you tooth and nail to hang onto it.

Why? Why is that enormous old sweatshirt so important to me? Simply put it's about comfort and safety. It's time to let it go: yes I need to feel comfortable and safe, but I can find those feelings with my friends and family. I'm not convinced I'm quite ready to give up the old, baggy clothing yet, but as I told someone on Friday I'm never going to accomplish anything if I don't step outside my comfort zone.

I'm all about stepping away from comfort zones in other areas of my life to see what waits beyond. It's time to do that with my clothes as well. I have some good friends (saints really) who have agreed to go shopping with me sometime after the holidays and help me find clothes that look good and make me feel good too.  I don't have to like it, I just have to take that step with an open mind.

My next post will very likely be the one I planned to write tonight. Year two of this journey is coming to an end. I'd like to reflect on the year and you're welcome to come along if you have nothing better to do.

Thanks for reading!

Please pass the tissues...

In my last blog entry I wondered why I'm an inspiration to some. I would understand being an irritant or a nuisance, but an inspiration: that one I can't quite wrap my head around.

Disclaimer: I am still not asking anyone to explain it to me. This is my forum to work through my "crazies" (Thank you Nedah for that term: it is perfect). If you are reading this you probably know me and know I am obsessive and I tend to get stuck on things when I'm confused. I don't expect anyone to stroke my ego and tell me how great I am. I'm just doing my best to understand.

Since I last posted a dream came true and I got a surprise I couldn't have fathomed and still haven't fully processed. This is my blog, my place to try and make sense of things, so prepare to read my mental gymnastics while I try to figure it all out.

You know, that could be one of my problems: I want everything to make sense. Yes, I mean EVERYTHING. When you have spent any time in your life feeling out of control you cling to any shred of control with all you have. Hence my obsessive need to understand things. If I bore you my feelings won't be hurt if you move on to something more interesting.

On to the dream come true: I was invited to be on the Wall of Fame at Fortitude Fitness Systems. The day before Thanksgiving I was lounging, enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee and an unexpected snow day when a message notification popped up on Facebook. I opened my inbox and swallowed: a message from Ben. Not in and of itself a bad thing, okay reality check: messages from Ben are never bad: usually just answering my latest question and I ask many questions. I can't help it though, it's my knee jerk reaction.

So back to the message. Ben let me know I was being invited to be on the Wall of Fame. This has been my dream since I sidled into the studio for the first time. I looked at those pictures and I wanted to be there too. When the workouts were too hard and I wanted to quit I found my eyes drawn to that wall and those people: I wanted to be there too. The moment had arrived and how did I react: I cried. A proud moment. Then I had to find a before and after picture to send to Ben. That produced a whole new round of tears.I found the pictures, the before picture shows me in April 2010 long before I started my journey, the "after" picture is one taken in November 2013 and it's not an after: it's a "right now".

Fine, I adjusted to the idea of making the Wall of Fame. A few tears, but nothing I couldn't make sense of.

Enter Monday morning. While I was stretching my piriformis muscles which were raising a chorus about the work I had just put them through the instructor said he would be announcing Badass of the Year candidate 2 and that person was in the room. That probably should have given me a clue, but I continued on oblivious to it all. Then he said my name and read what Ben had to say about me. From the moment I heard my name I was on guard: no way was I going to cry in front of all those people.

In the interest of making a long story a little less long: I held the tears off until I was in my car: then all bets were off.

I didn't understand, to be honest I still don't understand. I'm just ME. I don't do what I do for anyone else, I wish I could say I did. Let me be honest and up front: I am selfish. My workouts are for me, so I feel better and maybe look better. I am forcing myself out of my head during workouts and I try to encourage the people around me...sometimes I do it and other times I finish a workout and realize I haven't said a word. I'm working on it, I'm not perfect yet.

What do I feel? I feel bewildered, awed, honored and most of all weepy. I never dreamed I would be considered for Badass of the Year and I certainly don't feel worthy when I look at the first candidate...I'm sure that feeling won't change when Candidate 3 is announced.

I'm starting to look ahead too. 2014 is fast approaching and I intend to be ready. I have several goals that I'll share right now and on January 1 I will share all of my goals again. If I post them here there's a chance I'll be able to remember them, or at the very least, find them when I forget what I was working for.

1. Complete Tough Mudder New England in less than 8 hours.
2. Complete a Spartan Sprint.
3. Flip the 525 pound tire at FFS.
4. Compete in a strongman competition.
5. Begin running.
     a. Complete the Derby Elementary School Cornfield Mile Run in less than 18 minutes.
     b. Complete a 5K in less than 45 minutes.
     c. Train for a half marathon


So there you have it. Thanks for reading...now go back to your evening. I'm going back to being bewildered.

Who me??

So what's new with you? Nothing much new here. I seem to keep encountering the same themes in my life over and over again. This probably means it's time for me to pay attention since I'm obviously missing a lesson I need to learn. I've mentioned before that I'm a slow learner, right? I am not saying I'm stupid, I know I'm intelligent, but there are just some qualities that other people see in me that I don't see so I still find myself perplexed when someone mentions them.

The one I've heard the most and the one I understand the least is that I am an inspiration. I smile, say thank you and silently ponder what the heck people mean. Before you think I'm asking for praise or reassurance: I'm not. I don't see that anything I've done is inspirational to be completely honest. I wasn't the winner of the Biggest Mooser competition, I certainly don't jump out of bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning thinking "YES! It's 4:45 am and I get to go sweat and push myself to my limit in a few minutes". In fact, there are some mornings I don't get up.

I don't think I shine in every workout, I struggle to complete reps and I don't think I've ever been able to complete 3 rounds of any group of 3 exercises in 3 minutes, someday I hope for that for now I settle for 1.5 rounds and that's the best I can do. I get angry and frustrated with myself and I'm too quiet and focused on myself to notice those around me very often.

Let me stop for second and say I'm not saying I'm a horrible, rotten person, but if you are looking for inspirations then I can give you a list of people who might be better to look at. Look at Ben, Mary, Nedah, Mike, Julie, Troy, Pam, Sylvie, Carole, Hailey, Lisa, Eric, Jess, everyone on the Wall of Fame: they are inspirational. Me, I'm just struggling to get through the workout like everyone else.

Maybe people think I'm an inspiration because I won't quit? I try to be consistent with my exercise and nutrition and for the most part I succeed. I don't try to shove what I do down people's throats, I know the path I've chosen is right for me, that it won't work for everyone. If you ask me I'll talk to you about it and I'd love for you to come join me at Fortitude Fitness Systems, but I won't nag you until you come. Everyone has their own path and my path won't work for anyone but me.

Maybe I'm an inspiration because I won't lie? You know those people: "Oh, it's so easy. Nothing to it at all". Um, yeah...I'd like to knock people like that down the stairs. Maybe their path truly was easy, but I know mine has been a battle and I've had to decide MANY times whether it's worth it to me to keep going. I haven't quit yet, I don't plan to quit; but that doesn't mean that sometimes I wouldn't like to turn around and walk out the door rather than push that prowler one more time or climb that rope. I won't ever lie to anyone and tell them this is easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it's worth it to me: I am a healthier, overall happier person than I've been before.

If you think I am an inspiration then I sincerely want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm not trying to talk you out of feeling that way: I just want to be honest and tell you I don't understand why. I'm not saying you're wrong, I am wise enough to know that who I see when I look at myself isn't who other people see. I'm not asking you to sit me down and explain your reasons, that just makes me feel like I'm begging for attention and I don't do that. I read a quote once to the effect that what other people think of you is none of your business and I'm content to live with that.

As always, thanks for reading... now back to your day

Inspiration

What an AMAZING weekend! Road Tripping with a great friend and more Mudder!

I had the opportunity to go to Englishtown, New Jersey and watch World's Toughest Mudder. I was there partly to support my fitness professional, Ben, and I was curious. What would the course look like and more importantly to me, what would the competitors look like? I will be honest and admit that I expected to see a lot of really buff people. There were many of those, but there were also average looking people. Maybe average isn't the right word, since I don't think there is anything average about someone who would choose to compete in World's Toughest Mudder.

The point of that was, that most of those people weren't all that different from me. I see myself as average in many ways. Does this mean I am thinking I could compete in World's Toughest Mudder: HECK NO! Not right now, maybe not ever, but it made me think...a lot.

The idea that maybe I am ready for things I don't think I am kept me tossing and turning into the wee hours. I've been harboring and nurturing a little dream for awhile now. I stepped way outside any semblance of comfort and tried to do something about it last spring/summer but the time wasn't right and I really was not ready.

I thank you Ben for being kind and gracious enough to offer me advice and pointers and things I could work on. At the time I wasn't ready, I suspect he knew that, but he was kind enough not to crush the dream. He could have laughed at me, told me I was nuts, but he never did that. I could thank him privately for that, but I think it merits a public thank you. So there it is: Thank you Ben for knowing me better than I knew myself.


Mary Hoadley also deserves a huge thanks. She has known me since my beginnings as a Mooser and she has done nothing but encourage and support me. I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to take her classes at the Wellness Center too. Those classes are nice complements to my work at Fortitude Fitness Systems. I've discovered as much as I LOVE the heavy lifting, tire flipping and pushing the Prowler around until I think I might be sick I also love yogalaties and I'm learning to appreciate Zumba.

With that out of the way, I'm ready now. I'm willing and able to take the steps I need to take to become an instructor. I want to do this right though: I will seek training. I will work as hard on this as I work at being a special education teacher. I won't ever do anything half-way or half-assed. It's not who I am and not anything I would be comfortable with. If I am going to try to help people improve their lives as I've been helped I want to be competent and for me that means I need to learn. It will take time, probably a lot of time.

So I'm still in the midst of my journey and transformation and I've figured out the next portion of the road. Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

It's been awhile. No excuses, no promises to be better about writing, just a simple observation. I'm not hiding or anything, I'm not that exciting or fascinating that I'd need to hide.

Measurements were done and basically there was no change. I'll get to those numbers, don't worry. First I'd like you to see some pictures. If you've read my blog for any period of time you've seen this first picture.

January 2012

Don't I look thrilled? As much as I like and respect Ben Warstler, I'm pretty sure my primary thought at the moment this picture was taken was I hope his phone dies so this picture never, ever sees the light of day. No smile in evidence because I didn't see anything to smile about.

Now a picture you haven't seen before. Taken on Friday, November 8, 2013.

November 2013

Even I can see changes in this one. Not so much the size, but we won't get into that again. The change I see most is that I actually look confident. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have solved my self-esteem and self-confidence issues, but I'm making progress.

So now those measurements. I'm hoping to have a new body fat percentage the next time I get measured. For now we'll just assume it is the same.

October 17, 2013
Weight: 233 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 28.2%
Hips: 47.25 inches
Waist: 37.5 inches
Thigh: 26 inches
Arm: 13.5 inches

Total Body Fat Percentage lost: 9.7%
Total Inches lost: 16.75 inches
Total Pounds lost: 60 pounds

As the end of the year approaches I'd like to reflect back on the goals I set in January, but to be honest I don't have any clue what goals seemed so important back then. I dutifully wrote them down on an index card for Ben as requested. Made a copy for myself before I handed over the card and promptly lost my copy. Oh well, this way when I review them at the end of the year they'll be a complete surprise, right? I do know one goal was to do 1 unassisted pull up. Working on that one.

On with your evening now and thanks for reading!

Fear

I think I'm a fearful person by nature. I might say the right things and try to be optimistic and calm, but inside whenever something isn't going the way I planned for it to go I feel panic building. Fortunately as a (usually) rational, (semi) sane person I can calm the panic, or at least stuff it into a box and sit on the lid until I can escape. Sometimes I can't do that though. Sometimes I feel so raw it's all I can do not to let the tears in my eyes be heard in my voice.

In my other life, the one where I don't assume that people care what I think nor do they want to spend their valuable free time reading my ramblings, I am a special education teacher. I try to remain calm, positive and tear-free during the day so I don't cause my students any stress or discomfort. I have varying levels of success with that. I care deeply about what I do, I plan obsessively and I always try to have several back up plans for those times when Plan A needs to be thrown out the window. When things don't go well, or someone throws a monkey wrench into my plans I feel awful. I might be able to hold it together, but it drives me crazy and my anxiety level shoots through the roof.

Then there's the rest of my life. The parts where I drive home from my early morning workouts and find the tears falling because I don't think I measured up. When exactly did I become a fitness professional? How do I really know I didn't measure up? No one has ever stopped me and said "Wow, you sucked today. Get your head back on straight before you come back". Those tears are based in fear. The fear I won't be able to maintain the weight loss and my instructors will give up on me. I didn't say it was rational, I've discovered that fear is very often irrational. None of my instructors have ever given the slightest indication that they would like me to walk out and never walk back in. None of them have ever made me feel like I am nothing more than money to them.

So what gives???  Didn't I leave all this garbage somewhere on Mount Snow in August? Am I just crazy?

What gives is that I'm human. I'm human and I'm my own worst critic. I feel like I have to be perfect to make people want to spend time with me. Yes, there have been people in my life who have fostered that belief, but it's still on me. I chose to believe it and I have mostly chosen to live my life as if that is true. How silly is it that I believe I have to be the perfect, quiet, most flexible person in any group to be worthy?

I'll answer my own question: it is RIDICULOUS! If you aren't going to like me for being myself chances are good you wouldn't really like me even if I try to be perfect.

So how is this confession part of my weight loss/better health journey? I'm beginning to see more and more that in order to be able to continue on this journey I need to let go of the mental/emotional weight too. I can't be perfect and I shouldn't even expect myself to be. I have to be myself for better or for worse.

Next week there will be measurements to report. Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading.

Inside

So awhile ago I decided to take a step way outside my comfort zone and I signed up on an online dating site. Plenty of Fish as a matter of fact, if anyone cares about that sort of thing. I'm not looking to find the love of my life. I'm not sure I believe there is someone for everyone.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to believe there is someone out there for me, but based on my past experiences with the opposite sex I'm a bit skeptical. I wouldn't say my life is miserable without a man in it, but there are times I'd like someone else to run my thoughts, dreams and ideas by. Abbey is an excellent listener, but her advice consists of dropping one of her toys in my lap so I can throw it for her. Fun, but not exactly life-altering advice.

In my limited time in the world of Internet dating I've discovered I don't like it. Maybe the men who show up in my inbox as my potential "perfect match" are jerks in real life too, or maybe the relative anonymity of the Internet makes them think comments like "wow, you're fatter than girls I would date" are acceptable. For the record, the man who made that comment is no Mr. America and seems to have a few extra pounds himself. Not to be rude, but if you're going to remind me I carry more weight than I want to chances are good I'll be happy to repay your honesty with honesty of my own.

Several comments like that have led me to think long and hard about our society, this journey of mine and how those two things are related. I'd like to be all perfect and above it all and tell you that getting fit has nothing to do with wanting to be pretty, but I am not that accomplished at lying.

OF COURSE I want to be pretty. Yes, you can tell me I am pretty and I will say thank you and smile, but I'm going to be honest: I don't feel pretty. I feel competent and strong, but attractive/pretty are not words I would ever use to describe myself. The outside of me is what it is, I think more about the person inside.

The person inside has undergone the most changes. She used to hide behind a high, thick wall. No one got inside that wall and if anyone tried I would freeze them out. Trusting people didn't work out well so everyone was held at arm's length. As the outside changed the woman inside got tired of hiding behind the wall, she let people in one by one, one small step at a time. I won't say I'm completely open now, there are still people I won't ever let in. There are times I still slam the door shut and refuse to let people in. This is a process, apparently a long process.

What did this post have to do with my journey? Is online dating necessary to me being a healthier, happier person? I think the answer to that last question would be a resounding NO. In fact, Internet dating might just make me decide being the crazy pet lady is a viable option.

At the end of the day, trying new things has to be a part of my journey. I'm discovering a new me, a woman who understands that there will be pain and she will get hurt, but no one has the power to destroy her unless she allows it. I won't be destroyed. I may cry, I will certainly hurt and grieve, but those things will make me stronger. I'm not weak, I never was, I just didn't see it.

Thanks for reading...

Letting go

Does there come a point in every life where you have to make a choice to let go? Or am I especially gifted at choosing people and situations that won't do a thing to improve my life and could in fact have the opposite effect? Is my "picker" broken?

The above questions have been running through my mind most of this weekend. So much for rest, relaxation and regrouping for the week ahead. The only time I don't find those questions running on  a loop in my head are when my body is moving. Gee, I bet this is why I exercise so much. Gosh, such an astute observation...oops, sarcasm.

Time for some "fall" cleaning. I tossed a lot of baggage and garbage on August 10 at about 5:45 pm. There's a bit more garbage still rattling around up there though. The part bothering me the most now though is some of the garbage isn't me: it's someone else. I am allowing someone else to have control in my life AGAIN...and I'll be blunt: it is PISSING me off.

Sorry, this rental property is closed down. It's been condemned and it won't ever be re-opening. I will forgive, but I won't forget. It's water under the bridge now and I have to move on. I have a life I WANT to live and am enjoying living for the first time ever. Thank you for the lesson, I'm moving on.

Wow, that was pretty cryptic, wasn't it? No sense beating around the bush though: it's over and done. No chance at going back, it's beyond time to move forward.

I'm letting go of that which I cannot control and grabbing on to the things I can. I can't control other people, but I can damn sure control myself and my reactions. If I can haul my butt up and down a mountain for 11 miles, 9 of those with pulled muscles, I think I can manage to be in charge of my own life and who is in it.

I have a core group of amazing people I can turn to when I need a shoulder, a listening ear or advice. These people are more than my friends and family, every one one of them is someone I would trust with my life and I don't hesitate to spill my "crazies" to them (thanks Nedah for that term: it is so perfect!), even if I should engage a filter more often than I choose to.

So what did the above have to do with my journey? Well, if I'm stressed or conflicted it shows up on the outside. Not always in my food choices or on the scale, but in my willingness to step beyond my comfort zone, my attitude and the amount of patience I show myself before I slam my fist into the turf and swear. (Helpful hint: the next time I need to drop an f-bomb and pound my fist I may want to consider doing it on the mats instead of the turf). I don't want obstacles I've created standing in the way of this journey so I'm taking responsibility and releasing them. After all, if I stay in my comfort zone there is no way I'll continue writing this blog. There is nothing easy or comfortable about posting pictures of myself or writing what I feel for other people to read. I hope in some way what I put in this blog can help someone see getting healthy isn't about being perfect. If I can do this anyone can, really. You want a cheerleader? Let me know: I'll be happy to wave some pom poms around and encourage you to keep going.

Measurements were taken on Monday, September 2 and I want to share them with you. I'm pleased with them. No new body fat percentage to report this time, so I'll stick with the old percentage from July.

Weight: 234 pounds (down 59 pounds from 1/12)
Body Fat Percentage: 28.2% ( down 9.7%)
Hips: 47.25 in. (down 7.5)
Waist: 37.5 in. ( down 6.5 in.)
Thigh: 26 in. (down 1.75 in)

Arm: 13.75 in.  (down 0.75 in)
Total inches lost since 1/12: 16.5 inches

Me on September 2, 2013. Yes I am smiling.

See, letting go isn't just about me spilling my crazies, it's about letting go of the inches, the weight and my comfort zone. Thanks for reading!

59

I have tried very hard on this journey to health not to let the scale dictate how I feel or how I perceive myself. No matter what the scale says I am still the same person: the same insecurities, strength and emerging confidence. My body is changing, there are muscles that can be seen and felt where before there was a layer of fat. Clothes that were snug are loose and some clothes really don't fit at all even if I persist in wearing them.

For the most part though the scale is something I brave once a month and hope for the best. I can tell myself a million times my measurements are looking better and better, my body fat percentage is going down and when the number on the scale barely budges I still feel disappointed and let down. I know muscle weighs more than fat, but I still want those numbers to go down.

I weighed myself before Tough Mudder and I was at 244 pounds. Trust me, seeing that number on Friday morning in the midst of packing did nothing to make me feel better. On August 27, I braved the scale again. The number was better than I expected: 236 pounds. I weighed myself again this morning and the scale read 234 pounds.

I can't say I'm doing anything differently. I am tracking my food in an online diary, trying to be careful with the kinds of carbs I eat because I really feel better if I eat lower carb choices the majority of the time.

I've thought hard about what might suddenly be making the difference and finally posted about it on a group I belong to on Facebook. A friend had an interesting idea I hadn't considered. The confidence I gained in myself during Tough Mudder might have knocked things in gear.

It's absolutely true that finishing Tough Mudder changed me. I don't feel confident and capable every second of every day, but more often than not now I feel good about myself and what I can do. Case in point: the other day I had a chance to talk briefly with a friend and she told me she had been behind me in the hallway the day before and she was just shocked and amazed at how strong my legs looked like strong trees I believe. There was a time I thought to be attractive I had to have skinny perfect little legs with no jiggle at all (thank you airbrushed magazine photos) and a compliment like that would have crushed me. Now I realize how much more I want to be strong than I want to be the narrow definition of beauty you can see on most magazine covers.

My first personal training session after Mudder Ben and I talked about my goals and what I wanted. Tough Mudder 2014 was at the top of my list, I am going to do it again. Ben asked if I had ever considered a strongman competition. Well, maybe briefly in my wildest dreams, but nothing to voice out loud. I still don't like criticism after all. He said he thought it would be something I'd enjoy and we could certainly train for that if it was something I had an interest in. I must have grinned for 3 days straight after that.

So here I am, 19 months into my journey and 59 pounds lighter than I was when I started. To put it in perspective for myself while I was grocery shopping this morning I walked down the baking aisle and looked at the 5 pound bags of sugar. I have lost the equivalent of about twelve of those bags. That's impressive to me. No wonder I have more energy and feel so much better! For the moment my goal is to lose 41 more pounds to get to 100 pounds total. Then I will be 193 pounds. I'm not sure where I'll go from there, but I know the journey isn't over yet.

Thanks for reading!

I am a Mudder

I DID IT!!

Despite being scared to death I lived through Tough Mudder New England. I was part of a team of ten people and several of my teammates were completing their second Tough Mudder. I'm going to do my best to explain the experience and my thoughts to you, but I'm not sure I have the words. I'll give it a try...this could be a long post.

Friday at 5:30 am I completed my final workout before Mudder. I walked in and Ben asked me if I was nervous, I was honest and said I was terrified. I tried not to overdo the workout, but to be honest a part of me wanted to overdo and maybe weasel out of Saturday.

No such luck, I made it through the workout with not a scratch (given my inability to get the lateral lunges right until I had Ben to model them for me, it's a wonder). Then it was home to walk Abbey, pack and try not to think at all about what I was planning to do on Saturday.

Saturday morning dawned and the butterflies fluttering in my stomach ramped up the fluttering to break dancing. It got worse as I registered, had someone write my number on my forehead and my forearm, pinned on my number and approached the start. Luckily Carole had thought to tell me that before we got to the start we had to go over a wall. With help from Logan, Eric and Tyler I made it over. Hailey and Carole were waiting on the other side to remind me to lower myself with my arms before I jumped so it wouldn't be as far.

The fear let up a little at this point and I got into the spirit at the start. The MC led us through "The Star Spangled Banner", 10 seconds of silence for military personnel and then we all recited the "Mudder Pledge". Everyone was pumped up, it was infectious. Suddenly for the first time I didn't want to cry: I wanted to put my training and hard work to the test.

We started up the mountain. In my mind I was keeping a good pace and I didn't feel like my lungs were going to explode out of my chest. I was feeling good at that point. As often happens when you are feeling good about where you are and what you're doing, something happened that could have turned the whole day around.

A group of young men (I would guess mid-20s at the oldest) were lounging near the top of the incline and as I passed with another FFS Badass, one of them made the comment "Badasses? Yeah, right look how slow they are going" or something similarly rude. I heard them and my stomach clenched. 53 pounds ago that comment would have ruined my day: I would have taken it to heart and been hurt. How ridiculous is that? Letting 3 men I didn't even know ruin something for me. I told a couple of other members of my team what I'd heard, shrugged it off and kept going.

The obstacles were interesting. First up was more walls, with a twist. The obstacle was called Glory Blades. The walls were tilted so you couldn't just jump and scale them unless you had a lot more upper body strength than I possess at the moment. No matter, with help from my team I made it over and felt darn good about it. There was more up hill climbs, a chance to slog through muddy water and over and under some logs, the mud mile and more climbing up. Also the Electric Eel. Imagine crawling on your belly on a slip n' slide someone thoughtfully placed under electric fences. Yep, I paid money to get zapped. I got zapped a bunch, mostly on the butt, once in the right leg and at the end, in the butt, head and right shoulder all at the same time. Good times, good times.

We were approaching Walk The Plank, where you climb a tower, jump into a pond and then swim to shore. I wanted to try that one, but as I was going up I met some mud that wanted me to head back down the mountain. I stepped, slipped and felt that old, familiar pull in my lower back. "Oh -----"(you may insert the swear word you like best). This was about mile 2 in an 11 mile course. How was I going to do this?

I could have stopped there, no one would have thought any less of me, but I would have thought less of myself. I decided one foot at a time was how I would proceed. If the pain was debilitating I would stop and ask for a medic...maybe. Hailey managed to scrounge up Advil for me. With 800 mg of ibuprofen in my system off we went to face the course again.  The Cage Crawl and Boa Constrictor obstacles came and I went happily through them. Cool water felt darn nice on my aching back.

I got to the Arctic Enema and jumped in. I made it halfway and then my mind got the best of me. The water was freezing and muddy and I needed to duck down and go under a board. Had I done it before I thought about it I would have been fine, but I thought about it and I panicked. I went over to the side and one of the volunteers helped me out (well, he tried to help me out, I wasn't exactly being cooperative. I didn't know him, didn't trust him, so it was a lot harder than it could have been). I sat on the platform for a few minutes until Sylvie and Hailey came to coax me down. There were tears: I had let my mind get the better of me and I hated that. I sucked it up and on we went.

Mount Snow is a lovely mountain, the view from the top is truly spectacular and I know this because I think we walked up the mountain at least 8 times. It's possible I am exaggerating, but not by much. The steeper sections were torture, I stopped thinking about doing it one foot at a time and changed my focus to one foot in front of the other and stopping to stretch my back every few feet. Different members of our team dropped back to offer encouragement and support and Hailey and Eric kept pace with me, encouraging me every step.

We made it to the top of the mountain near a chair lift and Hailey led me through some yoga stretches, though honestly in extended child's pose I mostly hunched over and sobbed. My back hurt, I was exhausted and I was afraid I was going to fail. At that point I reminded myself where I started, I reminded myself of my training and I heard my coach's voice in my head. "Do it! You can do it! Dominate this!" echoed and I pushed back to my feet. My team believed in me, my coach believed in me: I had to believe in myself too.

I'd love to tell you the rest of the course was a breeze, that I did it with no more tears and no more moments of wanting to admit defeat and ask for a medic. That was not the case, but every time I wanted to quit my friends were there to coax one more step.

To make a long story a little shorter: I finished Tough Mudder. I have the t-shirt and orange head band to prove it. A friend who completed Tough Mudder last year told me it was life changing. She was right. I hurt when I finished, I won't lie about that, but I felt better. I found the mental and physical stamina to go on when it would have been easier (possibly even wiser) to stop.

The little voice that belittles and berates me was silent and has been silent since a TM volunteer put that orange headband on me. I know that voice probably is not gone for good, it will sneak back in at some point, but now I will silence it. I'm strong, I've always been strong I suppose, but I didn't believe it before now.

I'm already thinking about what I need to make sure I do before Tough Mudder New England next year. We'll see if I choose to compete again, but if I do I KNOW I can do it.

I've been very long winded and I thank you for sticking with this entry. I'm sure there will be further posts about Tough Mudder, but this one begged to be written tonight.


Back to your evening...thanks for reading!