59

I have tried very hard on this journey to health not to let the scale dictate how I feel or how I perceive myself. No matter what the scale says I am still the same person: the same insecurities, strength and emerging confidence. My body is changing, there are muscles that can be seen and felt where before there was a layer of fat. Clothes that were snug are loose and some clothes really don't fit at all even if I persist in wearing them.

For the most part though the scale is something I brave once a month and hope for the best. I can tell myself a million times my measurements are looking better and better, my body fat percentage is going down and when the number on the scale barely budges I still feel disappointed and let down. I know muscle weighs more than fat, but I still want those numbers to go down.

I weighed myself before Tough Mudder and I was at 244 pounds. Trust me, seeing that number on Friday morning in the midst of packing did nothing to make me feel better. On August 27, I braved the scale again. The number was better than I expected: 236 pounds. I weighed myself again this morning and the scale read 234 pounds.

I can't say I'm doing anything differently. I am tracking my food in an online diary, trying to be careful with the kinds of carbs I eat because I really feel better if I eat lower carb choices the majority of the time.

I've thought hard about what might suddenly be making the difference and finally posted about it on a group I belong to on Facebook. A friend had an interesting idea I hadn't considered. The confidence I gained in myself during Tough Mudder might have knocked things in gear.

It's absolutely true that finishing Tough Mudder changed me. I don't feel confident and capable every second of every day, but more often than not now I feel good about myself and what I can do. Case in point: the other day I had a chance to talk briefly with a friend and she told me she had been behind me in the hallway the day before and she was just shocked and amazed at how strong my legs looked like strong trees I believe. There was a time I thought to be attractive I had to have skinny perfect little legs with no jiggle at all (thank you airbrushed magazine photos) and a compliment like that would have crushed me. Now I realize how much more I want to be strong than I want to be the narrow definition of beauty you can see on most magazine covers.

My first personal training session after Mudder Ben and I talked about my goals and what I wanted. Tough Mudder 2014 was at the top of my list, I am going to do it again. Ben asked if I had ever considered a strongman competition. Well, maybe briefly in my wildest dreams, but nothing to voice out loud. I still don't like criticism after all. He said he thought it would be something I'd enjoy and we could certainly train for that if it was something I had an interest in. I must have grinned for 3 days straight after that.

So here I am, 19 months into my journey and 59 pounds lighter than I was when I started. To put it in perspective for myself while I was grocery shopping this morning I walked down the baking aisle and looked at the 5 pound bags of sugar. I have lost the equivalent of about twelve of those bags. That's impressive to me. No wonder I have more energy and feel so much better! For the moment my goal is to lose 41 more pounds to get to 100 pounds total. Then I will be 193 pounds. I'm not sure where I'll go from there, but I know the journey isn't over yet.

Thanks for reading!