Inside

So awhile ago I decided to take a step way outside my comfort zone and I signed up on an online dating site. Plenty of Fish as a matter of fact, if anyone cares about that sort of thing. I'm not looking to find the love of my life. I'm not sure I believe there is someone for everyone.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to believe there is someone out there for me, but based on my past experiences with the opposite sex I'm a bit skeptical. I wouldn't say my life is miserable without a man in it, but there are times I'd like someone else to run my thoughts, dreams and ideas by. Abbey is an excellent listener, but her advice consists of dropping one of her toys in my lap so I can throw it for her. Fun, but not exactly life-altering advice.

In my limited time in the world of Internet dating I've discovered I don't like it. Maybe the men who show up in my inbox as my potential "perfect match" are jerks in real life too, or maybe the relative anonymity of the Internet makes them think comments like "wow, you're fatter than girls I would date" are acceptable. For the record, the man who made that comment is no Mr. America and seems to have a few extra pounds himself. Not to be rude, but if you're going to remind me I carry more weight than I want to chances are good I'll be happy to repay your honesty with honesty of my own.

Several comments like that have led me to think long and hard about our society, this journey of mine and how those two things are related. I'd like to be all perfect and above it all and tell you that getting fit has nothing to do with wanting to be pretty, but I am not that accomplished at lying.

OF COURSE I want to be pretty. Yes, you can tell me I am pretty and I will say thank you and smile, but I'm going to be honest: I don't feel pretty. I feel competent and strong, but attractive/pretty are not words I would ever use to describe myself. The outside of me is what it is, I think more about the person inside.

The person inside has undergone the most changes. She used to hide behind a high, thick wall. No one got inside that wall and if anyone tried I would freeze them out. Trusting people didn't work out well so everyone was held at arm's length. As the outside changed the woman inside got tired of hiding behind the wall, she let people in one by one, one small step at a time. I won't say I'm completely open now, there are still people I won't ever let in. There are times I still slam the door shut and refuse to let people in. This is a process, apparently a long process.

What did this post have to do with my journey? Is online dating necessary to me being a healthier, happier person? I think the answer to that last question would be a resounding NO. In fact, Internet dating might just make me decide being the crazy pet lady is a viable option.

At the end of the day, trying new things has to be a part of my journey. I'm discovering a new me, a woman who understands that there will be pain and she will get hurt, but no one has the power to destroy her unless she allows it. I won't be destroyed. I may cry, I will certainly hurt and grieve, but those things will make me stronger. I'm not weak, I never was, I just didn't see it.

Thanks for reading...