Hmmm.....

What do I have for you today?

Well, mostly a realization I've come to about it being okay to be who I am. I'm quiet and relatively shy. I open up to my friends and it takes me time to decide whether someone is my friend or not.

Lately, I have been trying to be someone I'm not. I've been trying to be more open and more vocal. There is nothing wrong with that and the person who suggested I try that is someone I respect more than I can adequately express. The fact is though, I'm not a vocal person. I'm much more comfortable flying under the radar. I do speak up when it is important and that won't change. What's going to change is me trying to be someone I am not. I know the suggestion came from wanting to help me realize a dream and I also hope this person will realize my decision is not me being stubborn or angry. My decision is me accepting the person I am.

I often feel as if I'm striving to be someone completely different from myself. It's not always a bad thing, the old me wouldn't have signed up for Tough Mudder or competed in so many 5Ks. The old me had a tendency to let people order her around when it was not at all what she wanted. The old me didn't know how to walk away from situations that weren't healthy or helpful. The old me didn't take care of herself, because to be brutally honest I hated myself.

I don't hate myself anymore. I can't say I always love everything about me, but I'm learning tolerance and acceptance.

Thanks for reading.

Confession time...

Naw, nothing earth shaking. If you saw the title and hoped I'd be emptying the skeletons out of my closet sorry to disappoint you. No skeletons coming out today. Maybe some other time.

Back to the title. I do have a confession to make: I love grocery shopping. I think it's fun to go into a store and buy things I can turn into yummy meals. Which leads to another confession...I don't just wander the outer edges of the store. The majority of what I buy and consume comes from the outer edges, but I cannot resist wandering down the chip, cracker and cookie aisles. It's cruel to do that to myself, I know it because I know good and well there is no way I'm going to buy the Oreos or the Doritos or any of the other junk I find there. That's one of the reasons I insist on going down those aisles. I like making it to the end without finding any of those things in my basket or cart.

There was a time not so long ago that those items naturally wound up in my basket and in my body. Did they make me happy? No- at the time I thought they did, but that's a problem with eating to deal with emotions: all the food in the world won't make you feel better. A bag of Oreos isn't going to make me happy. All it will do is make me feel rotten physically and emotionally. Do I eat the occasional Oreo? Of course I do...but when I plan a cheat now I make it worth the cheat. My new love: Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy Ice Cream. I haven't checked the nutrition information and I don't plan to. It is a treat and a very occasional treat and I am NOT ruining it for myself by knowing the nutrition facts.

Oh wait, I did think of another confession...it's a wee little skeleton from the stack in my closet, but why not. you've read this far: you deserve a reward. I watch infomercials. Not just any infomercials, the "weight loss miracle" ones.  I know they won't do any good...but I still watch and want to believe. In the past I have also been known to invest my hard earned money in these "miracle cures". I'm smart enough to know there was no "quick-fix", but I was desperate and naive enough hope this time it really would work. The only thing that got thinner was my bank account.

While we're at it, I've been known to read the labels on the weight loss supplements on the shelves at Wal-Mart, Rite Aid and any other pharmacy or box store I happen to be in. Several of the Wal-Marts I shop in keep the protein powder I buy near those pills and I'm not above looking at the claims and wanting to believe them. Even now when I know my path to fitness and health I want those promises to be true.

It makes me kind of angry really. It doesn't seem fair and right to prey on people who are desperate and unhappy and will do anything to be different. I was one of those people (still am some days if we're 100% honest).

I don't have the answers for everyone. Really, there isn't one right answer for everyone. For me the path to fitness means working out at least 5 days per week, eating fibrous carbs, lean protein and some fat with every meal, eating more than 2 times per day, tracking what I eat and being patient with a process that isn't moving as quickly as I want.

In other news it's been an up and down kind of week for me. I completed the Mountain Mucker 5K Obstacle Course race on June 1. Now I'm training for Tough Mudder...and I'm even more scared than I was before. I can finish the course, I know I can, but I worry about most of the obstacles. Mountain Mucker showed me that I have a lot more upper body strength to gain so I can handle more obstacles and I need a ton more work on my endurance. I'm trusting my coach to provide training to prepare me as much as is possible. The real work comes from inside me: I have to develop the faith and confidence in myself that other people seem to have in me. I have to believe I can be an asset to my friends at Tough Mudder.

Wow...tall order!

Thanks for reading!

Well, isn't that special?

Another session has ended and I have new numbers to report. Am I thrilled with the numbers? Frankly: HELL NO! The only positive thing I can think to say at the moment is that the numbers didn't go up. I'll spare you the negatives, but those of you who know me can probably guess what I have been thinking and saying to myself. It's ugly, cruel and uncalled for, let's leave it at that.

I want so much to have a tantrum right now. I am feeling as mature as an overtired 2 year old and this is my forum to be honest. The mask is off here, forgive me for being human. My thoughts at the moment are. "So I deny myself, track every bite, try to stay around 1500 calories per day and exercise at least six times per week. So pardon me, but what the HELL?!! What am I screwing up???

Let me just get those numbers out of the way first. Then you can go back to your lives.

Weight: 242 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 29.8%
Hips: 48 inches
Waist: 37.5 inches
Thigh: 26.75 inches
Arm: 13.25 inches

My weight went down two pounds and my waist by half an inch. I am not belittling those numbers, not at all. I am just puzzled and concerned that my body fat seems stuck. It's in the average range, so maybe that's where my body wants to be...maybe that is my "normal" and I need to stop thinking I need to be like others I know. I'm me

I don't know...I just feel like I am missing something somewhere and that doesn't work for me. I want to get this right and I want to get it right now.

Maybe that's part of the problem. I refuse to be patient, I won't cut myself any slack, ever. I strive to be nice, patient, helpful and encouraging to my friends, but not with myself. I see the weakness and struggles and keep on pushing.

I realize this is a lifestyle change. There isn't an expiration date, no one is kicking me out of the club if I don't "get it right". I honestly don't think there is one "right way". I need to take what I've learned, what I know and what I discover and make it work in my life.

That's where I am right now. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad right now and I need to stop and read my map. I can say with absolute confidence that despite a few minutes this morning when I pondered throwing all my hard work away and giving up that going back is not an option.

Someone told me I've come out of the shadows and I don't want to go back there. It's not where I want to live the life I've been given. I don't know precisely where I'm headed and I'm open to suggestions and help.

Thanks for reading...

Fear

I wasn't planning to post this entry...or I going to post it as private so only I could see it. That's not the point of this blog though. It's about my journey: the good, the bad, the ridiculous and the ugly. I want to be as honest as possible and maybe it will help someone. If I can begin to figure out my nutrition and fitness and build a lifestyle that makes sense for me, maybe someone can use the tools to build a plan that makes sense for them.

Or maybe I'm just a big old attention hog and I want everyone to notice me. Seriously? Trust me, it's not about wanting attention.

So since I seem intent on posting this I may as well get to it.

I'm afraid. Of lots of things: spiders, not being a good enough teacher, failing...the list is a long one. I'll spare you most of it since two things have been occupying my thoughts and interrupting my sleep for the last few weeks.

1. My health: I had my first visit with my new doctor on May 15. Things looked good, I'm still too heavy, but I knew that and I'm working on it. Then there was the moment that stopped me in my tracks. She felt a lump near my thyroid. We had already discussed me having some blood drawn to check my cholesterol and do a diabetes screening (Type 2 Diabetes runs on both sides of my family) so she asked if I minded adding a Thyroid function test too. No, I didn't mind not at all. Lumps in general aren't comforting. I'm sure this will turn out to be nothing at all, but for the moment I am a little worried.

2. Mountain Mucker: On Saturday, June 1 I will join some of my best friends for a 5K obstacle race at Mt. Sunapee in New Hampshire. No one has asked me to sign a death waiver so I shouldn't be scared, but I am TERRIFIED. I don't know what the obstacles will be. I'm sure they will be things I can handle or bypass. No one told me not to sign up when I mentioned it and I know my coaches well enough to know they would be honest with me if they thought this was the worst idea I'd ever had.

I'm getting braver and more courageous as time goes on. I step out of my comfort zone and put myself on the line frequently. The truth is that many times I am "faking it". I don't feel confident or sure of myself, but I still put myself out there.

So that's what I've been thinking about lately. Later this week I will be having measurements done so I'll have some new numbers and undoubtedly thoughts about those numbers. For right now I am going to retreat to my room with my new dog Abbey, snuggle her and try to deal with the fact that I can't always be in control. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and TRUST that what is supposed to happen will happen.

Abbey, wise and affectionate advisor, pondering whether the camera is edible.

I wonder...

I keep coming up against the truth that I don't see a change in my body. When I look in the mirror I see that same person I've always seen, same size, nothing changed. Trust me, I know that's not true...I have bought clothes to fit the new body I don't see so I KNOW there have been changes, but my eyes and mind are clinging to the old me, even if she doesn't exist any longer.

I take pictures once a month, usually on the first of the month and others see the changes, but I want to see those changes too.

Last night I remembered a pair of jeans I had in my closet. The one pair I didn't get rid of when I purged the rest of the too big clothes. The final remaining pair of 22/24W pants in my closet. Yes, they should have gone too. Many of the articles I've read on the subject recommend two things:

1. Get rid of all the old, too big clothes. Hey, for the most part I followed this rule, but I had to hang on that one pair of 22//24W jeans. I remember when I thought how small they were and how proud I was to be in them. So they stay on the shelf with the new capris and jeans. A silent reminder of where I started this journey.

2. No clothes that are too small. Don't have anything you hope to wear "someday". Only have clothes that fit now. Okay, I broke that rule too. I have a pair of size 14 jeans hanging on my closet door. My new "goal jeans". I like a visual reminder of what I'm working toward, it makes it a lot easier to crawl out of bed and get to the studio when I want to roll over and sleep more.

...And since we're into confessions here, I have two pairs of size 12 capris in my closet as a summer goal. The cotton capris are more forgiving than the denim jeans and those almost fit comfortably now.

Back to the point of this post. I decided last night I would take a picture of those "old me" jeans and a picture of my most recent purchase, size 16 (no W) jeans purchased in the Ladies Department instead of the Women's Plus department.

First, the 22/24W's

Next the size 16's

Finally, a comparison of the two. 

So there is proof that things have changed, that I have changed. Physically and mentally I'm not the same person I was. I'm okay with that.

Thanks for reading...back to your evening!

Another Journey Nears Completion...

Me again. Another day, another blog post.

Today, tomorrow and Friday morning are parent teacher conferences at my school. I had the opportunity to meet with a parent tonight and give her news about her child's progress. I love to do that. It is so easy to get caught up in the drudgery of the day-to-day and the paperwork and forget to celebrate the progress.

Tonight also gave me a chance to work more on my action research paper. In another week I will be getting ready for my last VMI weekend. One more trip to Burlington, two more nights at La Quinta, one more day of classes, one last symposium and another journey will be almost completed. The completion of my VMI experience will be graduation on Saturday, May 18, but let's face it, after next weekend VMI will be over. That is incredibly bittersweet.

I have met so many different people in my cohort. Every one of them has taught me something. Some of the things I learned were lessons I could have lived without, but I can carry these lessons forward with me. I have met people I hope never to lose touch with and people I know will always be part of my life going forward. So many memories and experiences packed into 3 years it is truly hard to explain.

Another journey that is nowhere near complete is my fitness journey. This morning I had my measurements done. I will share those numbers, you know I will. I have worked darn hard for every pound, percent and inch that are no longer with me.

If you're reading this thinking you can't do what I've done of course you can. I started this journey hating exercise and convinced I would never be able to control my emotional eating. It's sixteen months later and I cannot imagine a day without exercise. Controlling the emotional eating is harder, but it is doable and when I slip up I get up, brush myself off and plunge forward. Anyone can do what I have done: anyone.

All right, on to the numbers:

Weight: 244 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 29.8 %
Hips: 48 inches
Waist: 38 inches
Thigh: 26.75 inches
Arm: 13.25 inches

Now the running total:
Weight: -49 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: -8.1%
Hips: -6.75 inches
Waist: -6 inches
Thigh: -1 inch
Arm: -1.25 inches
Total inches lost: 15 inches

Now a little more research report writing, 15 pages and counting. Did I mention that I LOVE to write? After that I think I might just dust off my resume, write a cover letter, a handwritten note and take a step toward making another dream reality. Not sure I'm ready for that step or should be ready for that step, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Thanks for reading!

Acceptance

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Considering my mood lately has gone from rotten to homicidal it seemed best to lay low until that passed. I didn't want to scare off any readers by being a nasty, snarling brute.

I'm back, so you can assume I've gotten my emotions under control and am a somewhat more upbeat, positive person. Yep, that's a good story, we'll stick with that.

My lesson to learn in the last few weeks has been acceptance. Acceptance of myself, my friends and my family.

Accepting my friends has been easy and so rewarding. I have found the most incredible group of people who accept me, support and heck, they even like me. When I need advice, support or encouragement I can call on any of them. Everyone of them has their own life and their own family and they still make themselves available. Thank you all, you know who you are.

Then there's accepting myself. This has been an enormous struggle. I don't have a lot of patience with myself. I want to be at the end of this journey, even though to be honest, I'm not sure what the end of the journey will look like. I've had some minor aches and pains that have made it necessary to modify and I feel like I'm cheating somehow by modifying. Yes, I do know I'm being sensible and making sure I can get back to 100% much faster, but it's still frustrating. Fortunately, even when I am frustrated with myself I have the sense to do what I have been told to do. What's that saying: "If at first you don't succeed, do what your coach told you to do the first time". Something like that and very true.

I've also had to accept that I still struggle with depression. Not to the point I have in the past when the decision to get out of bed in the morning and face the day could seem insurmountable. I NEVER again want to get to the point where I want to open a vein and make the pain go away forever. Exercise has been a godsend for me, it reduces the stress and gives me an outlet for the frustrations and worries. I will mention this to my doctor when I see her, because I know the depression is still there, it stirs every time I encounter an obstacle. I never want to sink so low again: life is too good even when it hurts. I want to live it.

In the interest of keeping this post somewhat positive and upbeat I won't get into accepting family. Suffice it to say I have accepted some truths and made changes.

So, what else is going on?

Well, the scale gave me some good news for the first time in awhile. I have tried to be good about only weighing myself only when I have measurements done. That way when the number on the scale is the same I usually have other numbers to be happy about. Friday morning I decided to break with tradition and just see what the scale said. It was a pleasant surprise.

244 pounds. that means I am down 49 pounds since January 2012. Maybe losing 100 pounds isn't a completely ridiculous, unreachable goal after all.

I will have numbers next week for those of you who care about those things. Me, I'm excited. Even if the numbers don't change much I've worked hard this session.

Thanks for reading...it's good to be back.

The Blame Game

I should be working on my VMI portfolio and my oral presentation right now. Instead I am enjoying some down time and a little peace. For the moment the dog and my three cats are snoozing in the sun and I have a few minutes to sit and think.

I was rereading some of my blog posts and "WELCOME" was the last thing I read. I was angry when I wrote it and I was looking to blame someone else. Don't misunderstand, the person I was angry with had choices to make about how she treated me and she made them. I had choices too and I should have stood up for myself much earlier and let her know what was going on was not okay. I am not sure it would have done me any good, but if I don't stand up for myself I can't expect anyone else to either.

I have learned not to play the blame game in other areas of my life. If I skip a workout I have to own that, it's not my instructor's fault. If I eat foods I know aren't that good for me that's on me too, much as I might want to blame the calorie tracker it's a computer program: it didn't tell me to eat those brownies. I understand those ideas, so why is it I struggle so much with making sure I get treated the way I deserve?

The first thought I come up with is: I just want to make everyone happy. True enough, but underlying that is some laziness. Let's face it, it is easier to let forceful people be in control and I don't enjoy beating my head against walls. Or I didn't enjoy that...things are changing.

I thought for a long time that my transformation was only physical, that nothing inside me was changing. I'm finding out that just isn't true. I didn't really think much about the mental changes until I was nominated for "Bootcamper of the Year". Listening to what was written about me and reading it for myself  made me stop and think. All right, YES, I printed out that write-up and put it in a scrapbook, because it was so kind and brings tears to my eyes even now. Hey, when someone you admire, trust and look up to has so many nice things to say about you it makes you consider the idea that you just might be a good person after all.

So now I find I'm not always content with the status quo. I have never liked to be given an agenda and told what I will be doing, but now I say something about it. I imagine that's difficult for the people who got used to me just being the flexible one who went along, but I'm not stopping. If I tell you no I am not attending an event you consider to be of the utmost importance, please do me the courtesy of accepting the no. I do not appreciate emails from other mutual friends trying to shame me into changing my mind. Sure, it might disrupt your plans, but THIS IS MY LIFE! If I say no there is a reason and if you are really my friend you accept that even if you don't like it.

All right, I'm done venting, just felt I had to own up to being responsible for making sure I am treated the way I want and deserve to be treated. I try to treat people with respect and kindness, that is what I expect in return. If you can't do that you and I probably won't have much of a relationship, if any at all. If it comes to it, I will walk away without a backward glance, but that isn't what I want to do. Rest assured though: if you treat me as if you are the one who knows best what I should be doing in my life and treat me like a dummy I'm not just walking away: I'm slamming the door, burning the bridge and never looking back.

So, what's been going on in my life since I last posted? Well, I participated in the Shamrock Shuffle in Leabanon, NH yesterday. SO MUCH FUN even if it literally felt like a shuffle for me for most of the race. I am going to get to the bottom of my aching piriformis muscles if it kills me! Honestly, it is discouraging to know I could run more and feel that pain. I did run over the finish line yesterday, I am too stubborn to walk.

I finished the 5K in 52 minutes and 34 seconds and I'm happy with that given that I walked most of it. I also had a costume that I was quite proud of. I looked silly, but that was the point: kick that comfort zone away and just enjoy being silly.

I am so rocking the green!

 

Before the race I said I wouldn't wear a green tutu, but there was an extra one and the majority of the group representing Fortitude Fitness Systems (aka Ben's Bootcamp) had green tutus on. I decided I wanted to be a part of the group and on went that lovely tutu. I thought I would feel stupid and awkward, but I enjoyed being outside my comfort zone so much I left it on through lunch and a trip into the Irving station in East Thetford, VT. The point was to have fun and I can definitely say I achieved that goal in fine form.

So back to your day now. Thanks for reading!

New numbers & thoughts

It's me again...your friendly blogger. Today I have some new numbers for you all. Considering I was on vacation last week and I was sick 2 of the 5 weeks of the last session I'm not displeased with my new measurements. I'm planning for good health in the next session which is going to include getting more sleep. I skimp on sleep and still manage to be surprised when I get sick or feel like an extra from a zombie movie.

One of my instructors really put the whole measurement thing into perspective for me. Yes, I should be conscious of the numbers and what they tell me, but they shouldn't be what keeps me going. If the only reason I'm watching my nutrition and exercising is to get smaller numbers then I need to reassess my priorities.

You will recall that I came to this conclusion with the number on the scale some time ago. Looking at it now I can see that I replaced my reliance on the scale with a reliance on my body fat percentage and inches. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that if the numbers creep up I need to look at what I've done and figure out where the problem is. If the numbers go down I am allowed to feel good about that. What I shouldn't be doing and am guilty of doing is "all-or-nothing" thinking.

For instance, for the past 3 sessions my body fat percentage has stayed the same (it went down 0.1% from December to February...I consider that staying the same). Have I pondered the fact that for the first time in my life my body fat percentage is in the AVERAGE range? Nope-I just see the number staying the same and I want to drown that bad feeling with some Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Fortunately at 5:30 in the morning with your coach right there it's not like you can whip a pint out of your bag and chow down while proclaiming that exercise stinks and it doesn't work anyway.

I have tried to approach this like a somewhat rational, mature woman. I'm human. While I can walk by foods I should limit 90% of the time, there is that 10% of the time I choose not to walk by and dive into a giant chocolate chip cookie like I'm starving. I ignore the common sense that reminds me the cookie won't make me feel better, it certainly won't help the numbers look better and in reality it won't really taste all that good. I eat that cookie and think "There, I'll show you" in perfect imitation of a two-year old tantrum.

I'm not perfect, not by a very, very long shot. I get frustrated and sad. I cry when the numbers don't go the way I want or I feel like I blew a workout. I don't really think I've ever "blown" a workout, but there are times I leave the BBC studio or the Wellness Center feeling beaten down and like I'm never going to get it. Those feelings are normal and I get to choose: Am I going to throw in the towel or am I going to fight on and improve? So far I'm fighting on because I really like the new me. Not every minute of every day, but more and more often I find myself feeling like I'm really an okay person.

What am I doing now to get those numbers moving? Exercise will continue and with the shoulder healing it's time to start pushing a little. Not to the point of pain or reinjury, I would like to think I have at least learned that lesson. I will also be faithfully tracking my nutrition and thinking hard about the choices I make about what I put into my body. There will be cheat meals, but they will be planned and considered carefully so they don't become cheat days. Right now I am finding I really like the SparkPeople nutrition tracker (you can check it out for free at www.sparkpeople.com). Sure it tells me my diet should be 50% carbs, 20% protein and 30% fat, but that doesn't mean I need to abide by that. I have different percentages in mind for myself. Today for instance my diet has been 32% protein, 39.8% carbs and  28.2% fat and I've consumed 1,362 calories (dinner is still to come. I'm thinking a huge salad with Tuna sounds good). Not a stellar day, but there have been worse. Looking at the percentage of carbs in my diet over a week or so I can see it's time to think more about vegetables and rely less on fruit. When I was just writing down what I ate with no program to calculate percentages I didn't see that. I played around with a tracker awhile back, but that's all I did: play with it.

As an experiment for myself I am going to be diligent about tracking my food and see what that does to my numbers at the end of the next session.

I've certainly been long winded today, haven't I? I suppose you'd really like to have some numbers so you can get back to your lives.

Current Measurements
Weight: 249 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 29.8%
Hips: 48.25 in.
Waist: 38.5 in.
Arm: 14.5 in.
Thigh: 26 in.

Original  Measurements (I considered posting the numbers from the last session, but honestly I NEED to keep the big picture in mind: I have come a LONG WAY and I need to remind myself of that)
Weight: 293 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 37.9%
Hips: 54.75 in.
Waist: 44 in.
Arm: 14.5 in.
Thigh: 27.75 in.   

Totals
Weight: - 44  pounds
Body Fat Percentage:  -8.1%
Hips: - 6.5 in. 
Waist: - 5.5 in.
 Arm: Same
Thigh: -1.75 in. 

So there you have it. Thanks for taking the time to read.    

Changes?

Left: January 2012 & on the Right: February 2013

All right, let me just get this out there right from the start. Yes, I know my body has changed. No, I don't see it. I know it has happened, I spent the money on the new clothes, but I don't see it. Perhaps I should be troubled by that, but I have enough sense to know people would not keep telling me how good I look if it were not true, so I listen to them and I try not to worry about my perception.

Does it bother me that my perception of myself is skewed? Yes, sometimes it does. I've always been a "big girl", not that I am a waif now or anything close to that, but I'd like to see the reality. I see the same person as the picture on the left, the "before" picture, whenever I look in the mirror. I think some therapist could make a fortune on me...been there, done that. I'll stick with my workouts. No disrespect meant to anyone in the counseling profession, I just haven't had much luck finding someone I want to trust.. I suspect much of that problem is my own personal problem.

So why this post? I was silent for a long while and now I've written 2 posts in about a week's time. Part of it is I feel like writing. I've put some drama to rest in my personal life and I'm putting the focus on myself.

The job is still overwhelming, frustrating, rewarding, maddening and more work than I feel capable of most days, but I'm going to keep plugging away. The learning curve is  still a vertical line, but a few little things are falling into place so I keep going, hoping eventually all those little things will add up to a big thing and I'll feel like I can breathe and relax just a little bit.

Workouts were going well this week. There was the need to modify the bear crawls on Wednesday, but I was pretty proud that I did 12 bear crawls before the walking lunges were necessary. T-pushups...well, those weren't so successful, but I tried and when it became clear I wasn't showing much common sense continuing with those I went to regular push ups.

Then I got up Thursday morning and I felt awful. I think it's just a cold, but yesterday it felt a lot like I'd been run over by a truck. Today I am just tired...exhausted actually. I'm going to be going to Disney World tomorrow and I am excited, but right now the excitement is dimmed by the feeling I could sleep the entire weekend away and be happy. Nyquil and Dayquil are packed, I'm being compliant with my nutrition and I am giving my body a break from working out so I can kick this cold quickly. I am not going to spend my first ever visit to Disney sick...no way!

So what is going on when I return from vacation? Another VMI weekend and action research. I don't like the idea my vacation will be cut short by VMI, but not having to write sub plans is a bonus.

Fitness-wise, I am debating about signing up for the next Staff vs. Campers Olympics in Derby in April. Mostly I am waiting for the shoulder to be completely healed so I can start forging ahead on my goal to dead lift 320 pounds. Not sure if I'll get to 320 or not, but I am going to lift more than 305 for sure. Training for Tough Mudder too...that will be a definite adventure. I get butterflies thinking about it now...but August 10 I should be bouncing off walls. Stay tuned...that should be supremely entertaining.

For now I'm going to go back to some hot tea and warm, furry cats.

Thanks for reading!

WELCOME

Apparently I had some people in my life who fully believed this word was stamped on my forehead. The expectation seemed to be that when they beckoned I was to JUMP immediately. When I didn't wish to jump and felt like my needs might be important as well it was not well-received.

So during the last week I did something I've been needing to do for some time: I cleaned up my Facebook friends list. Was it hard? Yes and no. Yes because I had to admit that, yet again, I hadn't made a wise choice in people I could trust and count on to care about me. No, because I finally knew it was okay to make my happiness and feelings a priority. Perhaps those people did care, but guilting me for wanting to meet needs other than theirs didn't get that "I care about you" message across very clearly. So I went on a cleaning spree.

I am not usually a cruel person, but if you push me into a corner I WILL come out fighting. Most likely not right away, but I will reach the limits of my patience and then I will handle the situation. Not in the nicest way possible, but I never claimed the nicest person award. I'm learning to take care of myself and focus on my happiness. I want people in my life who respect that and will encourage me.

Hi, I'm Kim and I am NOT a doormat. I do not have WELCOME stamped on my forehead, nor will I ever have it stamped on my forehead. If you want to be a true friend and you love and support me for who I am and who I am becoming then I'm happy to have you. If, on the other hand, you want me around to stroke your ego or meet your needs: I'm sorry, but I'm busy: permanently.

So what else have I been up to besides being ruthless with my friend's list?

Well, in January I sprained my shoulder. I never stopped working out completely, but for about 3 weeks I was doing very little with my left shoulder. Now I'm slowly starting to use it again and push it a little with weights, but it's nothing like what I was doing before. That's not a bad thing, we all need reminders from time to time that we have limits.

I should probably add a little public service announcement/reminder for myself too: Don't assume your trainer can read your mind: let him/her know if something hurts. They really aren't trying to torture you and it makes their job easier if you let them know what hurts. It is a bit of a blow to the pride, but it's better than making an injury worse. I'd rather my pride take a beating than injure myself more. I have come so far from where I was it is scary to be hurt and wonder if you're going to slip back.

For 3 weeks I was pretty much a nervous wreck worrying I wouldn't heal and would end up slipping back into old habits. Finally a doctor's appointment and a massage assured me I was healing and I would be okay with time and common sense. Don't you hate it when your doctor dashes all your hopes by reminding you to apply some common sense to a situation? I do have common sense, I just forget to use it a lot.

This getting used to using the shoulder again is hard. I don't want it to hurt so there's some fear involved in some of the moves I've been asking of it. I do have enough confidence in my instructors to know they won't ask for more than I can give, but they will push me to give what I can. If I can't perform an exercise I ask for modifications, or come up with my own.

I have some new numbers for you too.

I wish I had noise makers to pass out and confetti to throw. the scale FINALLY moved again. After being "stuck" at 253 pounds for what seemed like forever the scale went down 2 pounds. I know the scale isn't the only measure, but it is one most of us have been conditioned to trust. Even with Ben reminding me it isn't the best measure, old habits die hard.

So let's get on to those number so you can get on with your evening!

Weight: 251 (total of 42 pounds lost)
Body Fat Percentage: 29.8% (total of 8.1% body fat lost)
Hips: 49 inches ( 5.75 in. lost)
Waist: 38.25 inches (5.75 in. lost)
Thigh: 26.25 inches (1.5 in. lost)
Arm: 14.25 inches (0.25 in. lost)

So...as of February 1, 2013 I have dropped 42 pounds, 13.25 inches and 8.1% body fat. Not too bad if I may say so myself.

I will try to post entries a bit more frequently, but as you might guess from the beginning of this post I've been preoccupied with some decisions I didn't really want to make. At the end of the day though I am responsible for my own happiness and I have to do what is best for myself.

Thanks for reading.

Adapt and move on...

This has NOT been a stellar week. More than once I wanted to throw in the towel. Why continue to workout when it hurts? Why not just give up and walk away?

I've asked those questions A LOT recently. My piriformis muscles seemed determined to ache constantly and all the rolling and stretching in the world didn't seem to help. Only it did help, just not in the time frame I wanted. Then my left knee (a constant nemesis) decided after one too many weighted squats and Turkish Get Ups that enough was enough and that started to ache. Top that with a strained rotator cuff and I handled it with about as much grace as a two year old having a tantrum.

I count it a victory that I did not COMPLETELY melt down at bootcamp. I held it together and reminded myself that I was stronger, I was better, this was a temporary setback and I WOULD get through. Then I drove home crying the whole way. I felt like a FAILURE. I didn't do what I wanted to do. So I didn't have my tantrum in front of others, but I had a tantrum. I'm not proud of my tantrum, but I am going to be honest. This blog isn't about making me look good. I want to be real about this journey: IT ISN'T EASY.

I know I make the journey harder than it needs to be by wanting everything to work on MY timeline. I don't want to wait or make slow progress: I want what I want now. That seems to be true of most of us, I know I'm not alone. I reflected a lot on that Thursday night into Friday morning. How much easier would this be if I would listen to my body and stop being so stubborn? Modifying exercises is not a sign of failure, it's probably more a sign of wisdom. I don't believe any of my friends or instructors would think less of me if I just admitted an exercise hurts and asked for a modification or a different exercise altogether. I can't spend so much time worrying that I'm not keeping up with someone else's timeline: If I'm not ready for something, I'm not ready. Pushing and pretending accomplish nothing.

At the heart of my problem is my desire to make everyone happy so they will like me. Honestly, what the heck?! People will think what they want to think about me, that is none of my business. The people who truly care about me and care for me will still be there if I decide I need to do what's best for me. I may disappoint people, I may feel bad, but that would have to be better than feeling constantly on edge and worried that I'm letting someone down. The truth is I am always letting someone down: myself. I am never going to make people like me by being at their beck and call. They will like me or not based on other factors and really, if someone is going to decide they don't like me because I'm not doing exactly what they want I'm better off without that person.  Please keep in mind I'm not saying I know anyone who would do this or feels this way, I'm just working my way through the fears I hold deep inside.

So I am making a new commitment to myself as I come to the 1 year anniversary of the start of this journey.
1. I will pay attention to myself and my body.
2. When I hurt I'll adapt moves, I won't push through the pain silently.
3. I won't push myself beyond what's possible.
4. I will celebrate and enjoy the small victories, not keep looking for and pushing for what I consider to be "big victories". Anything I can do now that I couldn't before is a victory!
5. I will stop comparing myself to others and wanting to be perfect. I'll be myself. If I'm not top performer every class that doesn't mean I failed. If I finish a workout then I've won.

I'm going to adapt, change my attitude and move forward. I'm not going to throw in the towel, I'm not going to quit.

Thanks for reading...

Looking Forward

Five days into 2013 and I'm committing to stop looking back and start focusing on here and now. All the worry and obsessing in the world isn't going to change the past, so time to let it go.

It's been a good week. More stress than I like at work, but much of that stress is self-imposed. I'm in a new job with a learning curve that doesn't really curve, it just goes straight up. I, of course, want to be perfect so my administrators won't regret giving me the job. Neither of them has expressed any dissatisfaction with me so that worry is something I manufactured on my own too. Isn't it great when you can sit back, look at your fears and realize how ridiculous they are, but can't stop yourself from feeling that way?

Back to bootcamp last week after a down week and end of year measurements (see previous post for those if you wish). I found a squat and pushup challenge for January while I was trolling around on Facebook, so I'm doing that too. This week will be the beginning of classes at the Wellness Center, I signed up for All-Star Workout and Yogalaties and I'm excited to get started. Definitely continuing with bootcamp and personal training. Some of my colleagues are beginning a weight loss/exercise group at work and I plan to join in on that when I can. The weight loss part I will skip, I'm really going to try and get over my obsession/hate relationship with the scale this year, but I'm all for new and different workouts.

So, since I've gathered you all here with another blog post let me ask you a serious question: Do I REALLY look different? No- I am NOT looking for praise or to have my ego stroked. I am serious. I see minute changes when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself, but I don't see anything major. I am thrilled with how much better I feel...so most of the time I ignore the fact that I don't see changes in my body. Every once in awhile though it bothers me. How skewed is my perception of myself that I can't see anything?

I honestly am not expecting anyone to sit me down and detail all the changes they see, I don't even want that. I just want you to know if you compliment me and my response seems confused or embarrassed it's not false modesty: I really don't see what you see. I'm bright enough to know I might never see what any of you do and as I said, usually I am okay with that. As long as that fragile little spark of hope and confidence keeps growing I'm going to be just fine.

I've seen a quote a number of times recently (as a friend would tell me, that's a flashing neon billboard sign, so it might be wise to pay attention). "Other people's opinion of you is none of your business". It's one I'm trying to remember more often.

Here's another quote for you, one that stopped me dead in my tracks yesterday morning and got my attention: “Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your legs and the voice inside that yells can’t, but don’t listen. You just push harder and then you hear the voice whisper can and you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the person you really are.” ~Unknown 

This year will be about continuing the progress started last year, building on success, learning from less successful ventures and always remembering to step outside my comfort zone so I can grow.

In the spirit of stepping outside my comfort zone I will  compete in Tough Mudder on August 10, 2013 with a group of friends. Other than those 2 adventures I plan to enter more 5Ks and improve my time. My goal is to be able to complete a 5K in 30 minutes or less by December 2013.

So...I'm off and running.

Thanks for reading!