Fear

I wasn't planning to post this entry...or I going to post it as private so only I could see it. That's not the point of this blog though. It's about my journey: the good, the bad, the ridiculous and the ugly. I want to be as honest as possible and maybe it will help someone. If I can begin to figure out my nutrition and fitness and build a lifestyle that makes sense for me, maybe someone can use the tools to build a plan that makes sense for them.

Or maybe I'm just a big old attention hog and I want everyone to notice me. Seriously? Trust me, it's not about wanting attention.

So since I seem intent on posting this I may as well get to it.

I'm afraid. Of lots of things: spiders, not being a good enough teacher, failing...the list is a long one. I'll spare you most of it since two things have been occupying my thoughts and interrupting my sleep for the last few weeks.

1. My health: I had my first visit with my new doctor on May 15. Things looked good, I'm still too heavy, but I knew that and I'm working on it. Then there was the moment that stopped me in my tracks. She felt a lump near my thyroid. We had already discussed me having some blood drawn to check my cholesterol and do a diabetes screening (Type 2 Diabetes runs on both sides of my family) so she asked if I minded adding a Thyroid function test too. No, I didn't mind not at all. Lumps in general aren't comforting. I'm sure this will turn out to be nothing at all, but for the moment I am a little worried.

2. Mountain Mucker: On Saturday, June 1 I will join some of my best friends for a 5K obstacle race at Mt. Sunapee in New Hampshire. No one has asked me to sign a death waiver so I shouldn't be scared, but I am TERRIFIED. I don't know what the obstacles will be. I'm sure they will be things I can handle or bypass. No one told me not to sign up when I mentioned it and I know my coaches well enough to know they would be honest with me if they thought this was the worst idea I'd ever had.

I'm getting braver and more courageous as time goes on. I step out of my comfort zone and put myself on the line frequently. The truth is that many times I am "faking it". I don't feel confident or sure of myself, but I still put myself out there.

So that's what I've been thinking about lately. Later this week I will be having measurements done so I'll have some new numbers and undoubtedly thoughts about those numbers. For right now I am going to retreat to my room with my new dog Abbey, snuggle her and try to deal with the fact that I can't always be in control. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and TRUST that what is supposed to happen will happen.

Abbey, wise and affectionate advisor, pondering whether the camera is edible.