The Blame Game

I should be working on my VMI portfolio and my oral presentation right now. Instead I am enjoying some down time and a little peace. For the moment the dog and my three cats are snoozing in the sun and I have a few minutes to sit and think.

I was rereading some of my blog posts and "WELCOME" was the last thing I read. I was angry when I wrote it and I was looking to blame someone else. Don't misunderstand, the person I was angry with had choices to make about how she treated me and she made them. I had choices too and I should have stood up for myself much earlier and let her know what was going on was not okay. I am not sure it would have done me any good, but if I don't stand up for myself I can't expect anyone else to either.

I have learned not to play the blame game in other areas of my life. If I skip a workout I have to own that, it's not my instructor's fault. If I eat foods I know aren't that good for me that's on me too, much as I might want to blame the calorie tracker it's a computer program: it didn't tell me to eat those brownies. I understand those ideas, so why is it I struggle so much with making sure I get treated the way I deserve?

The first thought I come up with is: I just want to make everyone happy. True enough, but underlying that is some laziness. Let's face it, it is easier to let forceful people be in control and I don't enjoy beating my head against walls. Or I didn't enjoy that...things are changing.

I thought for a long time that my transformation was only physical, that nothing inside me was changing. I'm finding out that just isn't true. I didn't really think much about the mental changes until I was nominated for "Bootcamper of the Year". Listening to what was written about me and reading it for myself  made me stop and think. All right, YES, I printed out that write-up and put it in a scrapbook, because it was so kind and brings tears to my eyes even now. Hey, when someone you admire, trust and look up to has so many nice things to say about you it makes you consider the idea that you just might be a good person after all.

So now I find I'm not always content with the status quo. I have never liked to be given an agenda and told what I will be doing, but now I say something about it. I imagine that's difficult for the people who got used to me just being the flexible one who went along, but I'm not stopping. If I tell you no I am not attending an event you consider to be of the utmost importance, please do me the courtesy of accepting the no. I do not appreciate emails from other mutual friends trying to shame me into changing my mind. Sure, it might disrupt your plans, but THIS IS MY LIFE! If I say no there is a reason and if you are really my friend you accept that even if you don't like it.

All right, I'm done venting, just felt I had to own up to being responsible for making sure I am treated the way I want and deserve to be treated. I try to treat people with respect and kindness, that is what I expect in return. If you can't do that you and I probably won't have much of a relationship, if any at all. If it comes to it, I will walk away without a backward glance, but that isn't what I want to do. Rest assured though: if you treat me as if you are the one who knows best what I should be doing in my life and treat me like a dummy I'm not just walking away: I'm slamming the door, burning the bridge and never looking back.

So, what's been going on in my life since I last posted? Well, I participated in the Shamrock Shuffle in Leabanon, NH yesterday. SO MUCH FUN even if it literally felt like a shuffle for me for most of the race. I am going to get to the bottom of my aching piriformis muscles if it kills me! Honestly, it is discouraging to know I could run more and feel that pain. I did run over the finish line yesterday, I am too stubborn to walk.

I finished the 5K in 52 minutes and 34 seconds and I'm happy with that given that I walked most of it. I also had a costume that I was quite proud of. I looked silly, but that was the point: kick that comfort zone away and just enjoy being silly.

I am so rocking the green!

 

Before the race I said I wouldn't wear a green tutu, but there was an extra one and the majority of the group representing Fortitude Fitness Systems (aka Ben's Bootcamp) had green tutus on. I decided I wanted to be a part of the group and on went that lovely tutu. I thought I would feel stupid and awkward, but I enjoyed being outside my comfort zone so much I left it on through lunch and a trip into the Irving station in East Thetford, VT. The point was to have fun and I can definitely say I achieved that goal in fine form.

So back to your day now. Thanks for reading!