It's a nice dream, a wonderful fantasy and I know that. Despite appearances and actions to the contrary I am an intelligent woman. What I am not is kind, at least not to myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always kind to others, but more often than not I try to extend mercy and grace to others. I will go out of my way to help others.
Again for 2019 I picked a word instead of writing resolutions. I have goals, make no mistake about that, goals I have every intention of meeting, but I also have a word to help guide me. I picked change.
I don't like change, I have never liked change. I have come to the conclusion however that like it or not change is going to come and the harder I fight it the worse it seems. It's taken me time, but I have decided to stop fighting it. If something is going to change my life that will happen whether I fight it or accept it. It might be easier if I just accept the changes. We'll see how that goes, I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of tests of my resolve.
Another thing I want to work on is how I treat myself. I'm sure all of us can say that we're our own harshest critics, but in my case it is so true. I can finish a workout, get a fist bump for the effort I put in and still find fault with my performance. It makes no rational sense and I know it, but I obsessively look for my flaws. Seriously, if I am getting a fist bump and a "good work" from Coach T2 there is nothing I need to pick apart. He has never, and will never praise me when I'm half-assing a workout. I know he knows more about fitness than I do. Shouldn't I be taking his word at face value and not letting my inner critic weigh in?
Don't think it's just in the realm of fitness that I am so harsh with myself. I maintain I am NOT a leader, not someone who should be trying to be a "boss". I am a follower, a very happy follower and I will do what I am asked when I am asked. Since September I have been a manager. I have been told I am doing a good job. I try to do what's expected to the best of my ability. I do understand there will be those days when things just don't go well and there isn't one single thing that made it hard. No one enjoys those days and I think it's pretty typical and common to wonder why you're doing what you're doing when those days pop up.
Maybe other people even have a hard time letting those days go...or maybe that's just me holding myself to an impossible standard. I want everything to be perfect. When the mid-shift manager comes in I want things to be done and I want every area to be ready for the next part of the day. When that doesn't happen I get worried. There has been no indication that anyone but me thinks I can't do the job.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking about the way I interact with others and with myself. I can encourage, support and be kind to others, but when I need the same treatment I never provide it. I criticize and belittle myself and my abilities, sometimes out loud and sometimes in my own head. It has to stop. How can I possibly grow and get better if anytime I am not perfect I can count on me to tear into my self-esteem. Who better to attack your vulnerabilities and weaknesses than you?
It has been almost 7 years since I decided I wanted something different for myself and my life. In that time I've discovered powerlifting, found a small, strong circle of friends who genuinely seem to love and enjoy me, I've found a new job that allows me to pursue my passion and grow parts of myself I didn't really think existed. Overall I've become a happier, more positive person.
In 2019 I want to work on my inside. I want to learn to show myself mercy and grace. I fully intend to hold myself to a high standard, but when I fall short, because I will, I don't want to immediately go on the attack.
In case any of you are interested I have decided on a powerlifting meet for 2019. Instead of spreading myself too thin and trying to compete three times in one year I have one meet on the books for now: The USA Powerlifting Northeast Regional Championships at Mohegan Sun in Connecticut on July 27 and July 28. I want to go into this meet excited and hungry to prove what I can do, not tired and ready for it to be over as I was last year. Maybe no one who watched me compete last year feels like I let them down, but I also know I wasn't at my best. I have plenty of time to train, get stronger and leaner and when I step on the platform I intend to be the very best powerlifter I can be.
So in the next six months I will be working on my technique on my lifts, I will be pushing the weights, pushing my comfort level, breaking through fears and doubts. I will also be working on strengthening weaknesses. There will be split squats, front squats, RDLs, Glute Ham Raises, balance work, and any and all work I can do to build bulletproof shoulders and a strong back. I will be better than I was in 2018. My coaches are on board, it's time for me to get on board.
Thanks for reading!
This is what a 350# deadlift looks like when you strip
the plates off the bar. I want a 450# pull in 2019.
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