I never set out to do anything but improve me. All I wanted was to change myself so I would feel like I had a life worth living. Along the way I've heard that I am inspirational, a warrior, a bad ass, a champion. I don't feel like any of those things. I am the same person I ever was. I trip over my own two feet. My balance is lacking and honestly laughable. I have the ability to pull, press and squat heavy weight, that's all.
I heard something in a class this morning that hit me. Okay I heard it twice, the first time I didn't think much of it. The second time I confess to tearing up a little. What were these words? "Breathe in confidence. Breathe out doubt". Such simple words, but so profound, at least to me.
I've come to the realization throughout 2018 that if I don't believe in myself I can't expect anyone else to believe in me either. Others see more in me than I see in myself for sure. This year I was asked if I would be interested in being a USA Powerlifting state referee for Vermont (still working on that one), and I was asked to return to a job I left not just as crew, but as a manager (hope no one regrets that offer). Let's not forget that some of the most wonderful, inspirational people I know took time out of their busy lives to support and cheer for me as I stepped onto a platform to face loaded barbells. On of those people believed in me enough that she approached a judge to inquire why my deadlifts were deemed bad lifts instead of just letting it go.
Too bad I can't just snap my fingers and suddenly believe in myself and my ability. I'm a work in progress, We all are. I need to decide how committed I am to changing my perspective on me. What level am I at: until it gets hard/uncomfortable/inconvenient? or am I whatever it takes?
I am "whatever it takes" all the way when it comes to working on my lifts. I would like to think I can apply that same determination to believing in myself. Come on, I was absolutely one of those kids who believed in Santa Claus...I ought to be able to apply that believing in the woman I am becoming.
I accomplished a lot in 2018. I discovered a lot about myself and my circle as well. I am learning to trust my coaches, and to be more a part of my training. Instead of only doing as I'm told I am actually interested in knowing why and where the work I am doing now will lead. If my coaches care enough to plan a program for me I need to be present and invested enough to ask questions.
Speaking of my fitness, since that is what started this blog I recently tested my one rep maxes. I have all time one rep maxes that are higher than my current maxes, but I have to remind myself that those numbers were achieved when I was about 40 pounds heavier...and in some cases my form wasn't as good as it is now. I am getting stronger, working on being leaner, and I am proud of how far I've come.
Deadlift: 410 pounds (my all time 1 RM is 440#)
Squat: 375 pounds (this is my all time 1 RM, set in April 2018)
Bench Press: 180 pounds (my all time max is 209# and was set in 2016. I'm working back up with way better form and building strength)
One of my goals for 2019, one I will make public is that I want to achieve a 1000# total in a meet. Not sure how many meets I will be competing in in 2019, but I know it won't be three in a row. I love to lift, competing is exciting, but 3 meets over 4 months isn't a sustainable plan for me.
I always welcome people to check out meets and cheer for the competitors, not just me, so I will keep you posted when I decide on when and where I will compete. Or better yet you could go to the USA Powerlifting website, check out the calendar of events and pick a meet close to you and go check it out. I know I am biased, but I find it a fascinating sport.
Thanks for reading! I so appreciate you taking the time to check out all my craziness.
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| Got business face. Will conquer 2019. |
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