Finding Me

I think I'm lost.

By lost I mean somewhere along the way I've forgotten my why and me.

I'm struggling. Big time. There, I said it. I admitted it. I may look fine. I may appear to be functioning just fine. Most of the time I am fine and I am getting through my life quite well.

I am strong, physically at least. Mentally I am working on it. I have doubts, fears and I wonder so often if I am just wasting people's time it feels like my own warped mantra. I've grown, but I am still my own worst critic and enemy.

I've done some reading on "post-meet" blues since regionals. I'd say that does a decent job of summing up this current slump. I don't have anything I am training for at the moment, it feels odd. I know I need to get stronger. I need to perfect my technique in each of my lifts. I want to achieve the goals to be an Athlete at my gym. I want to be half as strong, smart, inspiring and amazing as the people I work out with.

I want to learn to cut myself some slack in every facet of my life. I feel like I never measure up. I don't even know what the benchmarks are, but in my mind I don't measure up.

Does that sound as absolutely stupid as it feels? Probably...but you can stop reading any time. Just think of the fun of living inside my head. To put a positive spin on it, there's never a dull moment in there, never...even when I'd be happy for one.

I even took an almost unprecedented step and took a week off from the gym a few weeks ago. It started off with feeling a little rundown and stuffed up, like I was catching the cold that was sweeping through where I work. That was probably part of it, but I was also tired, weary to my bones and I ached from head to toe. I decided a week off wasn't the worst idea I've ever had.

Did I miss it? Yes, and no. I missed the people. I missed the barbells. Hell, I missed organizing the plates and clips. I didn't miss how I feel when I fall short of what I want to accomplish.

I know I am my own worst critic, I am my own toughest judge, but it doesn't stop the feelings of failure and worthlessness when I find myself struggling to complete racked step ups or ground to overhead reverse lunges.

I do know I'm not a natural athlete. I understand it takes time, hard work, and patience to get better. Doesn't stop the nasty comments in my head, but I do know. I can't count the number of Yoga Corr classes I have held it together until the meditation portion and then once the lights are dim and I am supposed to be focused on my breathing I am fighting tears because I was less than successful during the previous Pride Fit class.

Not every day will be a home run and not every class will be filled with the things I am good at. I know this, intellectually.

Let's be real for a second...let me say something that has been eating at me and bothering me since regionals. I feel like I failed everyone that day.

I didn't say it was rational. I didn't say it was true or that anyone else felt that way. It is simply how I feel.

Let's be real: I did three meets in 3 months again. All while navigating other life changes. My head was in the game for the first meet in New Hampshire, but Vermont and Regionals not so much.

I will get past the feeling of failure. I am back in the gym working on my lifts and seeing some slow progress on my bench press. All the shoulder and back work is beginning to pay off. My deadlift is coming along too. It is hard to remember not to put the barbell right up against my shins to pull, but I always remember to roll it away a bit before I pull. The progress and thinking ahead to 2019 has rekindled my drive. I will be better because there is no other option.

I am a powerlifter. Even when it gets hard and everything feels like a grind I am a powerlifter. There is no "I am committed until...". There is only "I will pursue this whatever it takes". A nod and thanks to Coach Collins for introducing me to that concept and making me really think about where I fit in.

As always thanks to Coach T2 and Coach B for their patience. Both of them push me and expect me to perform.

It would be nice if this process of uncovering me was easy. But growth has never been gentle or easy and I don't expect this to be an exception.

If I am quieter than usual, or want to be alone more know it is nothing more than going through this uncovering process to see who I am underneath it all.

Thanks for reading!

The place where most of the work to uncover "me" will likely take place.