I realized that I am my biggest obstacle. I am what limits me the most in the gym and everywhere else. Now, what do I do about it?
It's no secret I've been struggling, or maybe it is though given the fact that just about everything I'm feeling is mirrored on my face I doubt it's a secret.
A couple of weeks ago my coach offered 15 minute sessions to clients who wanted to come in and discuss nutrition, goals, or fitness. I wanted to sign up for one of those spots so much. I am sure I could have arranged my break at work to accommodate a meeting, but I didn't.
Why not? Probably mostly because I don't know quite how to put into words what I want to say that won't make me look like a whiny jerk. I walk into the gym enough, I see the Wall of Pride and the hardware. At some points I get it, I get something right. Besides, as wise as my coach is it isn't his job to help me figure out how to get out of my own damn way. That has to come from me.
It feels like it would be so much easier if someone else could give me the answers. I know though that if I want to change and I want it to last I have to be the one to do the work. This adulting thing sucks. Is there somewhere I can go to sign out of it? No worries, not looking for or thinking about a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just working on how to move forward.
Wednesday night is work on back squats during Muscle Hour during the strength portion of the class. Last night after I warmed up I loaded the bar to 225# for my 4x8. Something Coach B said before we started had the wheels in my mind turning. I can't remember it exactly now, but it was something about loading the bar to 70% of my 1 rep max and squatting it, then backing down on the weight. My initial reaction to that was to think that didn't sound wise at all. While I was completing my sets I kept thinking about it.
Why wasn't it wise? Why did I think I couldn't squat 70% of my 1 RM?
I had some of the best sets I've had in a long time last night. Despite my mind being occupied with overthinking something else my body knew what to do. I got to depth, I exploded out of the hole, I got my hips through at the top. I racked the bar after my last set and looked at the 25# bumper plates on the floor by my rack. If I put those on I could squat 275#. Coach B could spot me and I had the safety bars on the rack already. I checked the percentage and 275# is about 74% of my 1 RM. I loaded the plates, took a picture and then asked for a spotter.
I was worried it would be an ugly squat, that I wouldn't get deep enough or I'd come out of the hole at half the speed of a geriatric turtle. You know, all the less than helpful things my mind could throw at me to stop me from trying. As I unracked the weight and let it settle it felt right. It was heavy, but it was nothing to be afraid of, it never had been.
I squatted and I was told it was a good squat and looked pretty easy from Coach B's point of view.
That was about when the revelation smacked me in the back of the head. The only thing standing in my way is me. So while I was doing my Bulgarian split squats and Javelin presses I was thinking that to death.
I know it's true. I felt it at Regionals. I was afraid of my final squat attempt so I failed it. I was afraid of my bench press: same result. Let's not even get into my deadlift. Basically I sabotaged myself that entire day. It's enough to make me grit my teeth and growl.
I'm not a stupid woman. I am one who has not figured out quite how to believe in herself. I do see that other people believe in me, friends and my coaches seem to think I'm capable. Hell, there are a group of amazing, inspiring people with shirts that say "Team Kim Powerlifting". People I consider beyond inspirational tell me I inspire them. Instead of being embarrassed and brushing it off as I thank them, maybe it's high time I believed them and took their words to heart.
No more games starting now. It's time to believe in what others see. It's time to stop thinking I can't do something. Can't really means I don't want to and that is just not acceptable. I want to go to the next level as an athlete so I need to get out of my head and out of my way so that can happen.
Someone I respect and admire recently told me that the best in her sees the best in me. I see the best in other people, so it seems I should be able to see the best in me too.
I've got about 90 days to work on this so I can start 2019 strong and determined to succeed.
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| The barbell that started this whole post. 275#. |
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