Motivation

Training continues for my next meet, The USA Powerlifting New Hampshire State Championships. I am about 7 weeks out and working on perfecting my technique and form. I'm even beginning to tackle my mental strength. I'm not expecting that to be smooth going, but it's time. I know what to do when I face a loaded barbell...time to figure out what to do when the going gets tough and all I want to do is attack myself.

My habit and, let's be completely honest here, my preference is to look to my coach for reassurance that I'm doing a good job. Then there comes that day when the coach you look to asks a hard question. Okay, in the case of a certain coach he asks many hard questions. At first I didn't know how to handle this way of coaching. I got upset, I got angry, I seriously considered walking away. Several times I let myself get so upset I cried most of my drive home. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Obviously I didn't walk away. Mostly I was hoping if I worked hard enough, if I "tried" hard enough this coach would see something good in what I did.

I talked to many friends I rely on for their honest advice and objective assessment of situations. I might well be oversensitive and prone to over reacting, but I have the sense to talk to friends and listen to them. They suggested that perhaps this coach was not picking on me, that he was trying to make me better. It was brought to my attention that not every coach had the same style even though thus far I'd worked with coaches who had similar styles. I was urged to give this new person a chance.

I was also urged to talk to this person, tell him how I was feeling. I opted not to do that, because to counter my tendency to be over-sensitive I was able to recognize that much of the reason I was so upset had nothing to do with this person. I was being completely unfair and childish because I was dealing with change I didn't want. It's good to know that despite being childish and ridiculous a lot of the time I am able to recognize those qualities in myself and I try to keep some of the crazy under wraps.

I'd love to tell you that everything is sunshine and roses now, but that's not reality. I accept and respect the expertise this coach brings and I listen carefully. Do I still get irritated? Um, yep. I'm still me, but when I think of stepping onto the platform on April 28 I squash the irritation and do better. Not perfect, that's not going to happen, but I am working for excellence. I am working to be sure I will step on that platform ready to pick up heavy things and put them down. Ready to be the best athlete I can be on that day at that time. Ready to focus and concentrate on the task at hand no matter what is going on around me.

The question that prompted this post revolved around motivation and where does my motivation come from. Friday night, working on deadlifts during Flex Friday and I had been reminded to go faster after my first rep. I did as instructed and the second rep was better. I made a comment about wanting this person to be at class on Wednesday to watch me squat. He asked if I needed him there to motivate me. As soon as he asked me that I felt defensive. I don't even think I answered him.

The right answer is "No, I don't need you to motivate me".

The true answer is "Sometimes yeah, I want someone else to motivate me".

I thought about that exchange obsessively. I rely heavily on the people I trust. I don't think that's a problem as long as I look to them for support. When I start looking to them because I don't think I can do something on my own then it becomes a problem. Asking for support is fine and healthy. Abdicating responsibility for my decisions because I don't trust myself isn't okay at all. This is MY life...how can I possibly live it if I'm afraid to do what I need to do to keep myself going.

This is something I'm going to need to work on, something I won't be able to fix overnight. I will make small steps forward and probably giant steps back. I will always want to look to someone for reassurance that I'm doing well. I am going to look within as often as I can to know I am doing the best I can do. My friends and coaches can support me, but they can't do any of this for me. The doing comes from me. The motivation to do what I do has to come from me.

I took a baby step on Friday night while deadlifting 370 pounds.

The plan was for us to 3 sets of 2 reps at 90% of our 1 rep max. Well, 90% of 410 pounds is about 370 pounds. The first set felt like garbage and I considered just calling it and not doing anymore. The coach approached and gave me some corrections, reminding me to bring my hips through at the top. He told me I was tired and I earned that, but not to sell myself short. Then he went back to the other room and helped with the work going on there. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was back when I started set two. When I finished my two reps I looked to him, hoping for a thumb's up or some sign I'd done it right. I got nothing, he just went back to the other room. At first I was hurt and angry...then I realized that the silence probably meant I'd done what I needed to do to correct the problem. In this case silence was a good thing. I thought through what I needed to do for my third and final set and waited for my partner to finish his set. Then I chalked up, tightened my belt and stepped to the bar. I ran through all my cues and put my hands on the bar. I saw that the coach was back, watching, then I blocked that out and pulled the bar.

I finished my two reps and though every part of me wanted to turn and ask him if I'd done well I didn't. I felt I'd done well and there was no comment so I assumed I was correct. It is NOT that I don't value this coach's input, but he wasn't offering any and he had his reasons for that. I decided to rely on myself.

Maybe it doesn't seem like any big deal that I didn't look for affirmation after my final set, but it felt monumental. I don't consider myself an expert on powerlifting: I'm a beginner. What I do know is how I lift and I aim to do everything I can to improve every aspect of that.

Whatever it takes.

Thanks for reading!