Whatever It Takes

It's been an interesting couple of months. 2018 is shaping up to be different from 2017, I'll give it that.

Training continues for the USA Powerlifting New Hampshire State Championships. It will be my fourth time on the platform with this federation. I commented recently that I didn't want to go there to fail. Someone with more experience than me said my mindset should be that I plan to win.

As I move further along in this journey I discover more about myself. I have discovered I am afraid. Not just of the unknown, but afraid of the weight I squat, push and pull. Mostly the weight I squat gives me pause at the moment. Something about having 355 pounds across my back, feeling the knurling on the bar pressing into my shoulders and my palms. That feeling when I unrack and that weight presses into me. Feeling my heart pick up its pace, finding that place where the knowledge that I can do this resides. Once I find that place the weight is still heavy, but it is not heavier than my determination to bring it back up. I have spotters, I am as safe as it is possible to be.

I am at a stage in this journey where I am no longer a rank beginner. The PRs don't come as quickly or as easily. Training now is about refining my technique, developing strength and speed so I can move more weight. It is also the time when I have to decide how committed I am to this.

I like to say I'm trying, it might be my favorite phrase in fact. A conversation with the same person who told me  I should plan to win helped me see that trying is okay, but it's finite and dependent on many other factors like my stress level, my mood, how tired, hungry, bitchy I'm feeling on any given day. I could move up that ladder a little bit and be in the "whatever, unless..." phase where I'm committed to the process and achieving my goals unless something comes up.

That just doesn't feel like me. Powerlifting is my passion. It thrills me, scares me and challenges me all at the same time. It has reshaped the way I feel about myself and my body. I don't want to be committed to this unless. I want the next level. I want to be committed no matter what it takes.

It's hard realizing that no one can do this for me. Others can provide the training and support, but it rests solely with me to do the work. I'm also discovering that I can't do this for anyone else. To achieve my goals and go as far as I can in powerlifting I have to do this for me. I have to put in the work, bring my best effort to every workout, but not because it is what my coaches want. I have to do what I do because it is what I want.

As most of you know I am a people pleaser: I love fist bumps, high fives, atta girls, and hugs. There is nothing wrong with any of those things and there is nothing wrong with me enjoying them. But moving further on this powerlifting journey means I must put in the work and effort whether the affirmation comes or not. I will always appreciate support and I will get sappy and express that appreciation, it's just who I am.

Whatever it takes means I am going to do the work no matter what. If I am alone, if I am tired, if I am stressed, no matter what I will give my best to each session. I will appreciate the coaching and the support and make the most of them.

I intend to be the best powerlifter it is possible for me to be, not because I need any hardware or I need to be at a certain place on a list, but because I have discovered something that I love to do. The platform fascinates me as much as it terrifies me. Someday I would like to be a judge, but for now I intend on facing as many loaded barbells as I can and refining my technique. I will hone the anxiety and nerves to work for me instead of against me.

This is my journey...whatever it takes.

Thanks for reading!