I know we're all visible. Much as I think I would like to be invisible I am not. Any chance I had at invisibility ended when I was voted as one of the Biggest Mooser finalists in January 2012. Recently I've found my niche in fitness and I don't even really want to be invisible anymore. Not in the gym. At least most of the time. Like every other human I am not that simple. I want to stand out, but I want it on my terms.
Sometimes I want to be right out there letting everyone (coaches included) see what I can do. Then there are the other times. The times I feel exposed enough in every other way and I just want to be in the gym doing what I do with no attention at all.
Last week was one of those weeks for me. It's not easy to escape notice in personal training when it's you one on one with a coach. I was okay with that, even being noticed during buddy training was okay. Muscle Hour classes were different. I wanted to blend in, to escape notice and just work on what I do while everyone else worked on their own thing.
Monday was the bench press and that was okay. I got some notice, but nothing uncomfortable. I was pressing 80% of my max and it was going well. No pain from my right shoulder, my form felt good. My feet stayed planted on the floor and my butt was on the bench. At my USAPL meets when they go over the rules they always say that the bench is the most technical lift. True enough, but that's not the one that gives me fits. I am content to wait for the head judge to give the cues, though sometimes that pause at the bottom makes me want to poke them with a very sharp stick.
Wednesday night was squats. At 80% of my current max (355#). The weight I was squatting was a bit more than 80%, because there was no way to load the bar to 284#. So 285# it was. I was nervous, I usually have a spotter for anything over 275#, but it's a big class and there isn't anyone else there who squats what I do so I didn't have a partner to spot me. Coach Brandon spotted me as often as he was able, but the rest of the class needed his support and help too. Coach Brad spotted me a couple of times I think, not really sure I was focused on moving the weight. One thing I know for sure Coach Brad was watching me. Closely it seems. I swear after every rep I heard "Move faster".
I am not whining, at least not much. I am not complaining. I WANT to learn from those who know powerlifting. Hell, I want to learn from ANYONE willing to take the time to work with me. I wanted to be "coachable". I wanted to move faster. I wanted to rocket out of the bottom of that squat and get a "yeah, like that" or something. Anything.
I don't think I completely sucked, but I wasn't quite getting it. It bothered me. It makes me look like a baby, but my performance bothered me to the point that I sat in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes crying before I drove home. When I got home I snuggled the boxer and consoled myself with the idea that at least I was able to come up out of the bottom of the squat.
The next night I was looking at my stats in the USAPL lifter's database. Sometimes you need to look at what you've done to renew your faith in what you can do. I saw the Vermont State Records that I knew about, even printed a couple of the certificates out as a reminder. Then I found one I didn't know about.
Whoa!
I didn't enter the Northeast Regional Championships planning on setting any records at all. My goal was only to go and do my best to see how I measured up to other women powerlifters in the Northeast. I did those things and I set a National Record. That made me feel better. I had some reassurance that I have some potential.
Friday night was Flex Friday and work on deadlifts. Deadlifts are hand's down my favorite lifts, and the one I struggle with the most. Getting to lockout, not hitching, not having "soft knees" eludes me much of the time when I am on the platform. Friday night was 80% of our max again (325# for me). I was focused on pulling smoothly and I heard it "Faster Kimbo". Oh, lord: not now. I tried going faster, I may have gone fractionally faster, but I still heard "Faster". I will work on being faster. I will get faster, but as with most things in my life: I want it NOW. Yeah, there were tears on Friday too. Frustrated tears on the drive home.
Let's be clear here. I didn't quit. I have NO intention of quitting. I am struggling with people pleasing again. One coach says faster and I want to go faster with every fiber of my being. Another tells me not to rush my squats and I want to slow down. I do know the reminders not to rush when I squat refer only to my descent. When I get nervous or afraid of the weight I'm moving I rush the squat to get it over sooner. I am learning to master the fear on the descent and now I need to add to that exploding out of the hole with as much speed as I can. I have to believe the thick thighs I have are good for something. In my deadlift I somehow mixed up a smooth pull with a slow pull. Steady and smooth are good, slow not so much.
I have until April 28 when I step onto my next platform to learn and hone my technique. I am going back to the same venue to show myself I have improved as an athlete from one year ago. There's a chance I'll set new records, or new PRs. I may bring home hardware, but that's not why I'm going.
I am going because I love lifting. I am going because as terrifying as I find stepping on the platform it is also addicting. Thanks to poor eyesight the audience is a blur to me, but I see that barbell clearly. For the minute I am given to start my lift the only thing I know is the iron in front of me. When it is over I look for the lights and my friends, but in that minute it is me doing what I love.
I found my passion. I found my niche. I found the reason I am willing to overcome my shyness and desire not to stand out. I have been given an amazing opportunity, one I don't intend to waste or squander. I am a powerlifter. I am an athlete. I. Am. Enough.
Thanks for reading!
Friday night was Flex Friday and work on deadlifts. Deadlifts are hand's down my favorite lifts, and the one I struggle with the most. Getting to lockout, not hitching, not having "soft knees" eludes me much of the time when I am on the platform. Friday night was 80% of our max again (325# for me). I was focused on pulling smoothly and I heard it "Faster Kimbo". Oh, lord: not now. I tried going faster, I may have gone fractionally faster, but I still heard "Faster". I will work on being faster. I will get faster, but as with most things in my life: I want it NOW. Yeah, there were tears on Friday too. Frustrated tears on the drive home.
Let's be clear here. I didn't quit. I have NO intention of quitting. I am struggling with people pleasing again. One coach says faster and I want to go faster with every fiber of my being. Another tells me not to rush my squats and I want to slow down. I do know the reminders not to rush when I squat refer only to my descent. When I get nervous or afraid of the weight I'm moving I rush the squat to get it over sooner. I am learning to master the fear on the descent and now I need to add to that exploding out of the hole with as much speed as I can. I have to believe the thick thighs I have are good for something. In my deadlift I somehow mixed up a smooth pull with a slow pull. Steady and smooth are good, slow not so much.
I have until April 28 when I step onto my next platform to learn and hone my technique. I am going back to the same venue to show myself I have improved as an athlete from one year ago. There's a chance I'll set new records, or new PRs. I may bring home hardware, but that's not why I'm going.
I am going because I love lifting. I am going because as terrifying as I find stepping on the platform it is also addicting. Thanks to poor eyesight the audience is a blur to me, but I see that barbell clearly. For the minute I am given to start my lift the only thing I know is the iron in front of me. When it is over I look for the lights and my friends, but in that minute it is me doing what I love.
I found my passion. I found my niche. I found the reason I am willing to overcome my shyness and desire not to stand out. I have been given an amazing opportunity, one I don't intend to waste or squander. I am a powerlifter. I am an athlete. I. Am. Enough.
Thanks for reading!
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