Anxious

I am a creature of routine. I am capable of being spontaneous, and I love to have fun, but for the most part I enjoy my routine. The familiar is safe and comfortable. I don't think I'm at all unique in that way.

Last week I turned my routine on its head. One of my dearest friends moved across the country in August to be with her love and other friends planned a trip to visit her for a long weekend. Long story short, through an amazingly generous gift I was able to go along. As excited as I was to be going I was equally anxious.

Anxious? What kind of crazy am I? Trust me, I ask that question all the time and countless times before the trip. I was going with 4 of the best friends anyone could be blessed with to see another of the best friends in the world. I have flown before, I know what to do. There was a fitness center on the other end of the journey so although my workouts wouldn't be exactly the same there would be workouts.

So why the anxiety? The unknown. I've never been a fan of the unknown, but even less so recently.

So the night we were to leave arrived. I was packed and ready. I said good bye to my mom, to Abbey and the cats. Then I cried most of the way to our meeting place. I was feeling super anxious and using some techniques I learned last year I analyzed it.

The anxiety stemmed from how I feel about myself to this day. I don't feel I'm a good person, I project that onto other people and assume they don't think I'm a good person either. I couldn't believe the 4 women I was traveling with or the 3 people on the other end of this trip thought I was a good person either. NONE of them have ever given me a reason to feel that way, my feelings were my own and not based in reality in any way. Unfortunately knowing that doesn't turn off the crazy.

I was asked a couple of times what was wrong and told I looked worried. I could have talked with the person who asked me about my feelings, instead I took it as a sign it was time to put on the mask and bury those feelings deeper.

I knew I was feeling afraid, out of my routine, but I didn't quite know what to do to fix that until Friday morning. Two of my friends were doing a Pilates video while I worked on lat pull downs, RDLs and goblet squats, but I was listening. The instructor in the video did some affirmations during the video and one of them was "I am safe". Some of the things the instructor said sounded silly and we all giggled about them, but "I am safe" resonated with me. I was safe because I was surrounded by people who cared about me. I am safe because I am strong: physically and mentally. It didn't turn the anxiety off, but it lessened it to a manageable level.

I had the best time, I really did. There is nothing like time with people who know you, accept you,  encourage you and love you to recharge your batteries. I had an opportunity to talk with the friend who moved about how things are going currently and how I am feeling while we were getting pedicures. Even though she has her own stuff going on, she was genuinely interested and curious about me. She was also open and honest about her own struggles. I have always learned so much from this woman: she cares deeply about others and she is honest with how she is feeling. I care about others, but I tend to clam up about myself. "I'm fine" is pretty much my standard answer no matter what the truth is. I want other people to be happy and comfortable. I don't worry about myself very often. It is good to see someone who is able to care about others and care for herself.

It's been five years since this journey started. It started as a desire to lose weight, to change the woman I see in the mirror, and yes, to find a partner to share life with. It has transformed into a desire to see just how much I can pull, press and squat. To see what I can accomplish when I put my mind and heart 100% into the process. 

I have accepted that I may never see the person other people see, but I believe that my circle is honest with me. I am learning that I am complete as I am, I am enough.  I am working on believing in myself and owning who I am good and bed. None of us is perfect. I believe that for the most part we are all doing the best we can and trying as hard as we can.

This blog started as a way to document my workouts and feelings about the work I was doing. It became a place I could put the good, the bad, and the ugly of me. A place to be honest. A place to try and put into words what swirls through my head. Maybe it inspires some, I certainly hope so. I also want those who think I am an inspiration or might feel intimidated by me to see how human I really am. I struggle. I fail. I never quit. In the end, to me, that is what matters most: I might go down, scratch that, I frequently go down, but I get back up. I may be physically strong, but a one thousand pound total doesn't matter when you are stretching on the stall bar and it is all you can do to bend yourself enough to get your hands on a bar.

Thanks for reading!