Inspiration

I know, I know: I've beaten this topic to death before. Unfortunately for you I had way too much time to think last week, so think I did. I spent a lot of time overthinking. As someone noted recently I spend too much time thinking. He was referring to the time I take to initiate my deadlift, but it applies in every area of my life. I think he was aware of that too...I'm not exactly a mystery.

I did something almost unheard of for me last week. I took a break from the gym. I know everyone needs rest. I do understand the concept that in order to do my best and be my best I need to occasionally give my body a break. It seemed like a great idea to take a break and rest after setting new PRs in my bench press, squat and deadlift. Yeah sure it was. It is never easy to take the routine away from someone who thrives on that routine.

I still struggle with people telling me I inspire them. I don't get in any one's face and scream "Oh my god, are you insane??? I am horrible! I do awful things! If I inspire anything in you it should be a desire to RUN in the opposite direction as fast as you can." I may think that, it probably shows on my face, but I don't voice that. Score one point for the ability to be rational on occasion.

The thing is, I know we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. In the last year I've explored the reality of my humanity and flaws many, many times. There are times it makes me want to disappear into a hole in the ground and pull a boulder over the top.

I don't see how I am an inspiration. I don't want to know how I am an inspiration to others. I am working to figure out how to be kinder to the person in the mirror. My coaches tell me to get out of my head and not to mentally beat myself up. Other professionals have told me I am not irredeemable, I am human and I am not a bad human.  I'm working on understanding that...maybe I'll get there some day.

This week was back to the gym and I feel one hundred times better and more grounded being able to pour my energy and thought into my lifting. Powerlifting is something I care deeply about. I used to say I wanted to be perfect, but now I am striving for excellence. I want to be the best I can be.

I am three weeks out from my seventh powerlifting meet, and my fourth meet with USA Powerlifting.  I am three weeks away from returning  to the same venue as my very first (and nearly very last) meet with USAPL. I am going into this meet as a much better lifter. So I shouldn't worry, right?

I'm not exactly worrying this time, but I am hyper aware of everything I do in the gym. When I squat and 290# feels heavy (which...DUH...it is!) I wonder what's different, what I can improve before my next set. Yeah...so overthinking. I do tell myself to stop it and remember that my body is not the same every single day. I put in the work. I give 100% every workout, even if that 100% looks different each time I walk into the gym. Sometimes my bench press will feel easy and 200# will fly up, sometimes getting 165 off my chest is hard.

The important part is I don't quit. I won't quit. I have adopted the attitude that, for me, powerlifting is my "whatever it takes" activity. I will work at it, I will struggle, I will shed tears and I will fight, because when I lift it feels right. I feel like I finally found my niche: I'm not giving it up.

After the NH meet I will take a little time off, if history holds true, as little time as I can get away with and then it is back to training. I have two other meets coming up. One I wanted to do again to support USAPL in VT and also because it was so much fun last year. Then the one I didn't think I wanted to do again: the USAPL Northeast Regional Championships. I did it last year, I did well and it scared the hell out of me.

I was prepared to do my two meets in NH and VT and then rest. Instead after VT on June 30 I will rest for a bit and then back at it with six weeks to be ready for the Northeast meet.

Every month I get a newsletter from USAPL and March's newsletter had highlights from the 2018 Arnold Sports Festival and planned changes for next year. Apparently next year USAPL is planning on having a battle of the regions powerlifting competition at the Arnold. The top five lifters from each regional meet (including at least 1 female) will compete at the Arnold in 2019. I read that and thought, wow that would be fun and what an honor it would be to be chosen. That was it for the moment, but the thought stayed with me and grew into more. I would LOVE to see The Arnold, maybe meet some of my fitness heroes...and wouldn't it be something to be deemed good enough to compete in a USAPL event there?? Then I remembered something Coach T said to me when I first decided powerlifting was my niche. He told me I should give it a 100% run or I would never know how far I could go.

Well: this shy, awkward, stubborn, former really fat, still pretty beefy, occasional emotional wreck, in other words, HUMAN BEING is going to give it a 100% run with every bit of effort she has to give. I could wonder and dream of what it would be like to go to The Arnold, or I could train, focus and give my best to see if I have what it takes.

I am choosing the second option. When I leave the platform at Mohegan Sun on August 18 I will have done whatever it takes to see if I am good enough.

Thanks for reading!