When this journey started in January 2012 I thought I'd lose 100 pounds quickly and then everything would be perfect. I was pretty delusional, wasn't I?
It's been five years. Five years of hard work, trying to figure out how to eat and what my niche in the world of fitness was. I figured out my niche in 2016 and I finally hit the 100 pounds lost milestone last week.
There was no fanfare. The morning I found out I had hit one hundred pounds lost I was running late for work so I didn't even email my coach to tell him I'd finally done it. In fact it wasn't until I went on my lunch break and saw a message from him that I even remembered that I had something to tell him. Something he would be excited about, not my usual million questions. He was more excited than me as it turns out. I got an all caps response from him when I told him.
I know it is a huge achievement, something to be super proud of. I am proud, but not "scream it from the rooftops" proud. I've told my family and friends, both my coaches know. I am proud, I've worked hard for this, harder than I ever thought I'd have to work.
So what gives? Why am I not screaming this for everyone to hear?
I spend a great deal of time worrying about other people and their happiness. I seem to have decided that as long as I am taking care of others or doing my best to make them happy I'm focusing on what's important. I've explored this theme before so I won't go over it all again.
I do have one new thing to say: I'm about done with playing nice. If you are feeling bad about yourself and looking to pick a fight look elsewhere. I can't fix you.
If you want someone you can mold into the person you want them to be, please keep looking. I am my OWN person. I have my own thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. This. Is. My. Life. I am not trying to tell anyone how they should live their life and I expect the same courtesy. If you think you will be able to dictate to me what I will do, when I will do it, and with whom you need to think again. There are times I am focused on what is going on inside my head and how I am feeling. If you choose to take that as a personal insult that is your right, but don't think I am going to offer you an apology for feeling what I feel.
It. Won't. Happen. Period. End of story.
I have as much right to feel what I feel as you do. Let's just be kind and cut each other some slack.
You should know I'm becoming more cautious about who I allow into my life. As they say with age comes wisdom and I am finally learning that not everyone who smiles at me and/or says kind things is a friend. Many are, but not everyone. This should not be taken to mean that I think I am better than everyone else. I actually don't think I'm better than anyone. I think quite the opposite really. I think everyone is better than me. Right now, as a friend suggested, I am trying to do me. I'm trying to be a somewhat decent person and move forward. If you believe that means I think I am better than everyone else then that would be your right. I wish you well and I will send you on your way. Truly, hate is a waste of time and I'm not wasting any more time.
In powerlifting news, because what else do I talk about? I FINALLY have my head in the game. About time too with only 19 days left until I face the platform again.
For several weeks after Coach D and I decided I was doing another meet I was not an enthusiastic client. I did the work, but there was no joy in it. It showed...my deadlifts were garbage. I don't know how Coach D was feeling, I didn't dare ask, but I was wondering if I really had what it took. After a particularly awful training session I took some time to really think it through.
I decided I love lifting. I absolutely love moving heavy weight and it does not matter one bit how many people are watching me: the moment I step on the platform it is me versus the barbell. Coach D and Coach T can't be there beside me helping me pull, squat or press it. They can want it for me, they can (and definitely do) cheer me on, but they can't do it for me.
Coach T can offer to give up time off to lead me through a mobility workout to help me get ready for my meet. Coach D can spend a HUGE amount of his time training me in my three lifts and helping me with nutrition. He can also be at the meet handling me, helping me warm up and pick my attempts. My friends can come to meets and support me, take video, provide snacks and encourage me at every step. The fact is that at the meet no one can do it for me: it is between the barbell and me.
I am so so excited to have lost 100 pounds. The most exciting thing is that my current deadlift PR of 440# is more than 2 times my body weight. Don't worry, I plan to train for a triple body weight deadlift next. I don't believe I should rest on what I've done in the past. I want to push further and see what I can do to be better. I can always be better.
Thanks for reading!
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