Fat

"You're beefy, like a weightlifter."

This is a recent comment I received. I believe it was meant as a compliment, the person who said it is a genuinely kind person. It is an odd compliment though. Really odd, like when it was first voiced I had a moment where I felt hurt welling up.

I swallowed it, smiled and explained that I was a powerlifter. Which led into having to explain exactly what a powerlifter was. Which led to talking about my personal records. Then that look, the long slow look up and down that makes me uncomfortably aware that no matter how far I've come on my journey not everyone knows who I used to be. I know at my current weight, I've come a long way...but I'm not done yet. I've heard enough odd compliments to know in most people's eyes I am still fat. Hell, in my own eyes I am still fat.

There's nothing wrong with that, of course. I don't expect everyone to know that I started this journey at 309 pounds. I wouldn't even expect them to care if they did know. I have to do this for myself, if I'm doing it for my amazing circle of friends, my family or anyone else it just won't work. They can't do it for me: they can celebrate the good times and support me through the difficult times, but they can't make it go any faster.

 How I wish sometimes there was a magic pill or a magic wand I could wave to make all the extra weight and loose skin go away. Then I could wake up in the morning, step on my scale and text my coach that I made the weight class we were hoping for. Sadly, no pills or magic wands are available to shorten this journey. Even if they were I'm not sure I'd want one. I don't know where I'm heading and I don't really want to miss a moment of getting there. I've found so many wonderful people along the path I wouldn't want to shorten the journey and maybe miss meeting other awesome people.

You know what at 203 pounds I still have plenty of extra fat to get rid of, but I have come a long way. I don't have any recent pictures of myself, but I have a video taken by my coach last week so I can study my squats. I also have a picture of before...one that makes me cringe each time I see it, but I keep posting it. Someday maybe I'll even be able to report that I don't see that before woman in the mirror any longer.

When I first saw the video I knew it was me, but you can't really see my face. Without seeing my face I could look at the body. Honestly I didn't think I was looking at myself.

Before: 309#

I might not be society's "flavor of the month", but I've come a long way and become someone I am kind of proud of. I have plenty of fat left to lose, but I've no doubt with my coaches and my drive to be better I'll do just that.

Thanks for reading!