Yesterday turned out to be quite a remarkable day. It started off normally enough: up at 5:30 am with my overly enthusiastic boxer and her feline sidekick. A walk, some coffee and then a trip to my happy place for the kick-off to the new nutrition challenge. It was also the day Coach Tyler would be announcing the 2016 Athlete of the Year, the King or Queen of the Pride. A friend and I had tossed some names back and forth. Nothing prepared me for who it actually was.
I work out with so many people who are simply incredible it never occurred to me to think for a second that I would be the choice for Athlete of the Year. A few people have told me they knew it would be me. Honestly I was completely stunned. As soon as the 2014 Queen of the Pride read my name the tears welled up. I managed to hold them off (sort of) until I hugged Coach D, then they weren't going to be held back anymore.
Why tears?
Well, I was happy, surprised, overwhelmed and yes even a tiny bit scared. I don't see what others see when they look at me. I see whatever fault or flaw I was looking for in the first place. Perhaps I look strong and fierce on the outside, but I don't see or feel that part: I see what's inside all the doubts, fears and insecurities. I know how it feels when I face a loaded barbell I'm not sure I can pull, squat or press. I know how many times I have to repeat "that bar is light" and how fast I have to repeat it until I feel the emotions I draw on to do what I love stir.
Somehow it feels like I don't deserve this. I know Coach T and Coach D well enough to know that in their minds I deserve exactly what I got. Coach T even told me as much. I know while I was busy trying to rein in my emotions and dry the tears yesterday he had a lot to say about me. I didn't catch much of it, I was busy trying not to be a blubbering mess. I wish I'd listened...it would be good to replace that negative loop in my head with kind words from someone I respect so much.
Later on he told me was told I was consistent, dedicated and well-rounded. I am so proud that I fought the urge to say "You know this is Kim, right?" Coach T doesn't say things he doesn't mean so I smiled, wiped away some more tears and felt thankful this exchange was through private messages so he wouldn't see me crying two times in one day. I might show every emotion I'm feeling on my face, but I am quite good at hiding my tears, or I used to be. Yesterday was not my day apparently. It seems every time I turned around or paused to think the tears were there.
I'd love to tell you I feel like I deserve to be the 2016 Queen of the Pride, but I look at Sue Leroux and Kristen Roberge, the 2014 and 2015 Queens of the Pride and I have no damn idea. Kind of like how I feel when I see the list of Pride Warriors and come to my name. I just remind myself Coach T doesn't make mistakes, he doesn't do "flukes" and obviously he sees something in me that meets the qualities he is looking for. It's probably time to stop questioning that and just embrace what other people see.
Time to own the strength, the beast, the emotional side and the smart ass side. It's beyond time to nurture the shy, fledgling side that thinks that maybe, just maybe I might be kind of attractive. Time to stand up for my wants and needs even when I am not being heard. Time to stop letting the words of people who don't matter a bit in my life influence how I feel.
I am the 2016 Queen of the Pride. I assume it's normal to feel like that is a weird thing to say. I guess I won't need to worry about my ego running away with me quite yet. That's a good thing, I have never aspired to being a diva in any way, shape or form. I don't have the time or the patience to be a diva. I want to lift heavy shit and hit that 1000 pound total.
There will be no resting on this new title. I have dreams to chase and goals to achieve. I have workouts to kill and training to bring my business face and the beast to bear. I have a new powerlifting federation (USAPL) and a meet picked out. I plan to walk into that meet and leave no doubt that I am where I belong, doing what I was meant to do even if the only person I need to convince of that fact is myself.
As my coaches would say: Let's do this!
Thanks for reading.
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