Saturday, December 31, 2016

Trust

I have a friend who has a different approach to New Year's resolutions. She chooses a word to guide her through the new year. I set goals for myself, but I like the idea of picking a word. My word for the coming year is the title of this post. Trust. How I hate this word.

I hear "Trust the process." over and over again, sometimes it is even me repeating it to myself. Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard to believe things are going to be okay if I'm not in control. Never mind that trusting the process has taken me places I'd never thought I could go, the stubborn part of me clings to the idea that I must be in control. Or I need to feel like I'm in control. I might be stubborn, but I am wise enough to know that most of the time when I think I'm in control that isn't the case at all. The reality is the only thing I can control is me. Sometimes the only thing I can control is my breathing. My face tends to give away what I'm thinking and feeling and my mind runs away with me, often conjuring worst case scenarios even when I know better. Then there's that nasty, mean inner voice whispering I can't do it, whatever "it" might be that voice is there assuring me I'll screw it up. The hardest thing for me is trusting people. I do like to believe the best about people, but only to a certain point. I'd like to be more open and trust without reservation, but life doesn't work that way. I consider it a HUGE victory that I now need the fingers on two hands to name the men I trust implicitly. Not so long ago I only needed one hand and I had plenty of fingers left over. Eric, Tyler, Dane, Ben, Pat, Barry and Lindsay have convinced me there are actually good, kind men in the world. I feel pretty confident in trusting any of those men to help when I need it and give solid advice if I ask. I freely admit that I don't always like the advice, that I will try to negotiate when the opportunity presents itself and there are times my first reaction is a resounding NO! Hey, I'm human...I might want to be wonder woman, but that's never likely to happen. Better to admit that and move on. I bet you're not wondering, but I'm going to tell you anyway why my word for 2017 will be trust. You can always walk away if you don't want to know.
2016 was a remarkable year for straying out of my comfort zone. I participated in two more powerlifting meets, I willingly let someone take pictures of me and I actually asked my coaches to help design a training plan that made sense and wasn't a product of the fear that I was going to wake up one morning at 309 pounds if I didn't spend every second at the Pride Fitness Performance Center (though giving me an air mattress and a small corner in the Asylum isn't a bad idea). Which one of the things on that list do you think was the hardest for me? For me it feels like a toss up between the Be Your Own Hero photo shoot and the new training plan. You can ask Coach Dane how often I try to negotiate with him about when I can train and the number of times he asks me if I worked out earlier in the day when he sees me in the afternoon or evening. The photo shoot was fun. I worried about going and almost didn't walk into Pride that morning, but when I did I was welcomed. Coach Tyler didn't laugh and ask me what the hell I was doing there. No one rolled their eyes or snickered at me. I heard from several people that my facial expression while my picture was being taken was scary, but no one suggested I didn't belong there. I certainly never thought that my picture would end up anywhere besides as my profile pic on Facebook, but when it did I managed to bite back my urge to beg that it be taken down. Other people really seem to like it, so I will silence the inner critic and try to appreciate it as others do. My new training plan brought up a whole host of trust issues. Would Coach Tyler be glad to see less of me? Would Coach Dane get tired of me? Did I really have the potential they thought I did? Would my best be good enough to get me to a national meet in a new federation? Why the HELL did I need a new federation, couldn't I just stay with All Raw and Vermont Powerlifting? Were those three trophies sitting on the shelf at Pride going to my head? Yeah, it was a typical "Kim's being crazy" episode. I have to believe (and yes, trust) given what I know about both Tyler and Dane, that they would be honest with me and neither would have encouraged me to consider a new federation if I didn't have potential. I won't lie: I deeply miss training with Coach Tyler as often as I used to, but I am trusting it is for the best. Don't get me wrong, I like working with Coach Dane: we're pretty well suited to each other. Neither of us is a big talker. I always felt bad for Coach T he did 99% of the talking during buddy training sessions when it was just the two of us. He didn't seem to mind and I was capable of conversation, but I felt bad that I wasn't a more entertaining client. I love buddy training for that reason: Carole is so much more outgoing and social than me. I can be quiet and reserved with no worries. My workouts have required a little trust lately too. A couple of times now at Muscle Hour I've been the only woman in my class. The first time I sat on the bench taking much longer to get ready than was strictly necessary, because I wasn't sure I would measure up to the men. Even though I'd seen Coach D and we'd said hello I truly considered walking out and coming back for 7 pm when I hoped there would be a few more women. I had to remind myself that for most BB work when Coach D posted a weight for the women and one for the men he would also announce "Guys will be using xx pounds...Kim, you're one of the guys". Then there was the "but I don't know them that well...".

The men don't seem to mind working out with me at all. We all go about our business and I get fist bumps when it's over. They're nice men: friendly, kind and ready to offer advice when they see something I could improve. It's probably hard to care what I'm doing when you're trying to grind through 50 pull ups or chin ups and it seems like Coach D if set on killing all of us. So trust is my word for 2017. I need to trust my friends, trust my coaches and yes, I even need to trust myself. 2017 will be full of highs and lows I can't imagine right now and I am willing to extend trust that I have what it takes to show up, stand up and never give up. I trust that I will give the best I have to give when it is required of me. I will trust that what is meant for me will happen and I can't screw it up. Most of all I will trust the process and my training and stay the course. Just because I can't see what's ahead doesn't mean I can dig a hole, hunker down and hide. I'm a Pride Warrior, even if I don't necessarily understand why: I trust the person who gave me that honor. He knows his stuff and I trust him. Thanks for reading!

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