This is Mine

I have had the opportunity to think about a lot of things since I posted "Gym Mirror" last week. Mostly because sleep hasn't come as easily as I want it to. The new mattress is fabulous, but it won't stop my mind and my mind has been revved up.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and how I know that. I find it disturbing that most of my identity, most of how I feel about myself and my abilities is because of someone's opinion. Not that it is wrong to listen to what other people have to say about me. Given my inability to see anything but my flaws I think it is important for me to seek advice from others and to see myself through their eyes.

There have been times recently though when I know exactly who I am and EXACTLY what my skill set is and I've been dismissed. That irks me: it takes time, courage and effort to stand up for myself and to be dismissed without any attempt being made to hear what I'm saying or to consider if maybe I might be right makes me more certain than ever that there are changes coming.

This is MY life. The only one I am going to get. I have discovered a passion I intend to pursue as far as I can. I have also discovered that as much as I like my job, it is only a job. It is not a measure of my worth as a human being in any way, shape or form. There was a time, not so long ago, that my job was my only identity and I obsessed endlessly about how I didn't measure up.

Then it changed. I came to a point where I had a choice to make about whether I wanted to close the door on the chapter of my life that started in January 2012 or if I was ready to dig in, fight to overcome some setbacks and show the world I might go down, but I wouldn't be beaten. I sought advice from my coach and a group of my closest friends and I fought. As I fought to find my niche and be the best version of me I could be I went through some unexpected changes.  I found that I cared about my job, I wanted to do well, but if I wasn't perfect it wasn't the end of the world. I discovered I was human and if I was doing the best I could that would have to be good enough.

I suppose in order to continue growing I need to decide who I am for myself. I don't intend to stop asking advice from friends or my coaches, but I need to step up and be an active participant in my life. I have to take the advice, apply it to what I know about myself and forge ahead. I'll probably stumble and fall. I will probably have to make changes I may not want to make, but if I'm not willing to stand up and fight for what I want in MY life I certainly can't ask anyone else to support me.

I have goals in 2017, I talked about those in an earlier post, but the one goal I keep coming back to is wanting to compete in a national powerlifting meet. Coach D tells me I have the potential. Coach T tells me to give it a 100% run. My friends tell me they'll be there with me. Me? I have butterflies and heart palpitations thinking about it. I can't believe I could be good enough to participate in a national meet. I have a 932 pound total for my 3 lifts. Maybe that's not super impressive, but for a 46 year old former couch potato extraordinaire it is a HUGE number and something to scream from the rooftops. When I let the beast out to play she does some amazing things, I've no doubt she would make a good showing and do the Pride proud wherever she goes.

So I may as well commit to it here. I am going to put in the work, I will do what my coaches tell me (there will be whining). I will give the best I have to give to every workout, knowing that my best isn't always the same. I will do everything I can to get a qualifying total for a national meet. We'll see how it all turns out as 2017 progresses, but I have the coaches and the support to get me where I need to be if I put in the work.

Here's to the grind and the gains! Let's do this!

This is me. This is part of who I am. I am a powerlifter.

Thanks for reading!