Gym Mirror

This post is dedicated to Carisa Kerner. The idea is hers and revolves around a conversation we had. I hope I will do the idea justice, I think it is an important one. If I don't this might be the push Carisa needs to start her own blog. It's a topic I've discussed here before, some might even say one I've beaten to death and keep poking at. I can perseverate with the best of them, I've never tried to deny that. So which topic will I ramble on about this time? The reflection we see when we look in the mirror. People tell me how much I have changed, how different I look. I don't see that. I don't know that I will ever see that. I have the new clothes. At the back of my closet, the very back are a pair of jeans I wore in January 2012 when I weighed in and measured for the first time at Ben's Bootcamp. Every once in awhile when the doubts and the negative voice in my head are too loud I pull those jeans out and put them on. I have to prove to myself that my body truly is different. I love that others see muscles when they look at my arms. I see stretch marks, jiggle and flab. I know the sleeves of most of my shirts are getting tighter. One part of me is excited by that because it means my muscles are growing, then I look in the mirror and shudder because all I see is the remaining fat. Maybe I should just stop looking in the mirror at home, maybe I should only look in the mirrors in The Asylum at the Pride Fitness Performance Center. When I look in those mirrors I can look past the flaws, I can see some progress. I see whatever it is my coach has told me to notice or instructed me to do. I look past what disgusts me so much to focus on the task in front of me. I watch videos of myself taken at meets or during training and most of the time I can look past the rolls and flaws and see if the pull was smooth, the squat got to parallel or if I was able to press the loaded bar back up evenly. I said sometimes, there are those other times I watch the videos and all I see are the flaws: the fact that I am moving heavy weight matters little at those times. So, how is the gym mirror so different? Why can I look in the mirrors in the Asylum or the Lion's Den and not be focused on the flaws? No, I'm seriously asking...I have no idea. That's not entirely true. The reality is, when I am at Pride and looking in the mirrors it is not with the purpose of determining if I am remotely attractive it is to adjust my form or see what it looks like when I'm doing an exercise the correct way. Yep, even with the strength there is still a part of me that just wants to be pretty, a pretty big part really . I am strong, I own that and I am proud of that, but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want to be pretty. If I said I didn't want someone to look at me the way I see my friends' significant others look at them. There, I said it I have the most fabulous friends, female and male, but there are moments I want one person who thinks I hung the moon, who can see past the flaws and unlovable moments. So sue me: I have girly moments too. You'd think that was some sort of shameful secret the way I do my best to shove it down and pretend it doesn't exist. Well, it does exist and gym mirror or not I'd truly like to believe that somewhere out there is some person for me, even if I know I am not ready for this person yet. I might be 46, but I have some growing up to do still. Not sure I did the topic justice Carisa, I certainly hope so. If not, you and I should collaborate and write a follow up, or I'll give you free rein to post a follow up of your own here. Let's end this with a picture I took earlier this week in an attempt to find something about me I like.

Well, here it is. Not a clue where that bruise came from either. 

Thanks for reading!