Saturday, January 28, 2017

Don't Rush It

The older I get the more I am noticing I need more patience. I want what I want and I want it now. Usually this isn't a problem because I have learned to rein myself in. The one place I still have trouble with rushing is the last place I would have expected.

In my professional life I have learned to squelch my natural desire to rush. It isn't always easy, but things go so much more smoothly when I breathe deep, bite my tongue and wait.

Then there's me in the gym. I know I need to be patient, I know taking my time and thinking through what I'm about to do is important. Then there's that first rep when the weight is heavy and everything I know I need to do goes right out the window.

You know me...I've been thinking about why that might be. Why do I rush when I know all it's going to get me is Coach Dane saying "Don't rush it" or Coach Tyler saying "Breathe"? I know rushing doesn't get me anywhere. I know it and yet I continue to rush.

WHY?? Am I that dumb? Am I that impatient? Or is it something else?

At Muscle Hour we were deadlifting. My first round at 355 pounds I was rushing. My stance was too wide and I didn't take the time to set my grip. I got my 3 reps, but they weren't my best. As I stalked off to the bathroom to get it together Coach D. called out that my stance was too wide and I commented "I know". I had a chat with the woman in the mirror, reminding her that 355 is NOT that heavy, that it was well within her capability and she needed to get it together or stop wasting Coach D's time. The beast stirred to life during the chat and I knew things would improve from that point. I completed my next rounds with no problem. Not that the bar felt light, that sure as hell wasn't the case, but it was eminently doable and I did it.

Thursday in Buddy Training was work on back squats. I was late, I was pissed off and I just wanted to squat. No problem when I was squatting the lighter weights to warm up. Then the bar was loaded to 275 pounds.

Let me trot off on a little tangent and tell you a story. It was about a year ago when I first attempted to squat 275. It was almost a disaster, well okay, it was a disaster. When I settled under the bar and took it off the rack it felt heavy and I didn't think I could do it. My eyes dropped for a split second as I started to squat and then I tried to save the lift. So stupid, so very, very stupid. There was no saving it and I spent a very scary minute or so with that bar on the back of my neck and Coach D telling me to let it go. When it was over I squatted 265. I am assuming that was so I wouldn't be afraid to squat, kind of like getting back up on the horse when you fall off. I didn't ask, I was just glad I was leaving Pride with no worse than a sore neck and a reminder from Coach D and Coach T that you never try to save a lift.

Okay, we're back. I love squatting again, but when the bar is at 275 pounds that nasty, little bitch at the back of my mind reminds me not to blow it. So I rush to prove I can do it and that rep is rough and feels rotten. I might get to parallel (mostly I don't) and I wonder if I really have the potential Coach D tells me I do.

Coach D has worked with me long enough to know just how to handle me. For my next rep he calmly reminded me not to rush. Then as I was squatting he reminded me to sit back and the next rep felt so much better...as did my next rounds. I must have done it well because I got a "good work" and "smooth" when I was finished.

I know what I need to do, especially when I squat. I need to get under the bar, get settled, get it out of the rack and back out. Yes I back out 3 steps. Yes, I know I don't need to back out as far as I do. I know all I need to do is step back about 1 time and I'm out of the rack and I can squat. The thing is I have a habit of backing up 3 steps. It is something I have always done and it works for me. It gives me time to feel the weight, time to let my mind settle. It gives the beast inside time to get ready. The beast loves heavy weight, but she takes her own sweet time to stir. It's okay: I know I she's going to show up. Someday I will figure out how to get the beast to show up sooner.

Don't rush it is good advice for every area of my life. I am watching my friends settle into relationships and I want that too. I want it now, but I am not ready now. It wasn't all that long ago I didn't think I wanted to live one more minute. I believed I was a fat, broken mess and no matter what I did nothing would change. I was worthless and a waste of space on this planet. I am not in that place anymore, but I'm not that far from it either.

Right now I need to work on loving myself, on being kind to the person I am. When I can give myself the kindness and love I am happy to lavish on my friends then I will be ready for someone else. I don't believe there is someone out there for me, but I do hope that when I am ready there will be a person who will be ready for me. In the meantime I will observe my couple friends and enjoy their company and the fact that they want me around.

I would like to rush my fitness journey too. I want to be shredded and I want to be shredded right. now. I want to be stronger, leaner and better immediately. Not that I mind putting in the work...I am getting two days of bench pressing, one day of deadlifts and one day of squatting most weeks. I love the work, but I still want to be better right now. I can hear my coaches now: "Don't rush it", "Stay the course", "Trust the process"

I am doing my best not to rush it, to enjoy the moments when I succeed or PR and grit my teeth and grind on those times when I need to put in the hard work to be better. I would love to say I have it all figured out and I know exactly what to do, but I'll let you in on a secret: the 2016 Queen of the Pride is only human and she doesn't have many answers. She might not even know all the questions. She's trying, learning and growing. Even if you see me working on my big 3 lifts: I. am. not. perfect. There is still much I have to learn and I am soaking in everything Coach T and Coach D have to give me.

Let me leave you with a picture I got from Coach Dane earlier this week. It is from my personal training session on Tuesday. I was working on Bent Over Rows with an underhand grip. When I first got it I didn't really notice the face and for a split second I wanted to ask who was in the picture. Then I realized it was me. That was certainly not the person I see in the mirror. It was a pleasant shock. Nope, still not a super model, but I'm not an ugly, fat blob either.

Bent over Rows with an underhand grip. These made 95# feel really heavy.

Thanks for reading!

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