Checking In

Have you ever wished you could have a talk with yourself? Just sit yourself down and make sure you're okay and happy. Everything looks fine on the surface, but just below the mask is something else entirely.

Yes, I know it's probably just me. Who would I be if I didn't over think? I like control, I'm not going to lie about that. In fact, control is very important to me. One of my goals, until very, very recently has been to ALWAYS be in control.

Then I became interested in fitness in general and powerlifting in particular. For a year I resisted the increasingly frequent advice and reminders that I was only human, that my schedule was not helping me maximize my strength and I needed to find balance. I nodded, I said "I know" and I continued doing just what I was doing before. Coach T and Coach D must have the patience of saints not to have throttled me.

What happened to change my mind and make me decide that it was important that I really listen and really change.

My father died. It's as simple and as complex as that.

Don't worry, I won't be rehashing my lack of a relationship with him. It was what it was and it's much too late to change it now.

No, what really struck me after he died was that I don't know if he was happy with the life he lived. Did he do the things he wanted to in life? Did he look forward to his days or were they just something he had to get through? I know from my vantage point he never seemed happy. Maybe I'm wrong, actually it's extremely likely I am wrong, but my gut says he was not happy.

I decided in the days after I got the news that things had to change. I had to change.

Why?? By all appearances I am happy, reasonably successful and mostly competent. I had two powerlifting meets under my belt and was preparing for a third. I had a workout routine I loved and coaches I trusted completely. I had a dream, but it seemed too far-fetched and ridiculous to invest in.

Sure Coach D told me he thought I had potential to go far as a powerlifter, but he was my coach. Isn't his job to stroke my ego a little so I don't stop working? When Coach T told me after both of my meets that he was proud of me, wasn't that just him doing his job? If you know Coach D or Coach T at all you know that neither one of them will say something they don't mean. If either of them tell me I've done well it is the truth. When they say they are proud of me those aren't just words: they are the truth.

Would I have decided to pursue my dream if my father were still alive? Eventually I am sure I would have. This dream scares me so at some point I would have gotten sick of being afraid and pursued it. Wondering if my father had truly lived the life he wanted was a push to go after my dream earlier.

So here I sit on a Friday evening two weeks and a couple days from my next meet. The anxiety is there, but it has a different feel this time. I'm not feeling nauseous or scared this time around. I just want to be there. I want it to be Sunday, November 6 at 9:00 am. I want to be standing in front of the squat rack on the platform with Dane and my friends watching. I want to see how far my training, skill and adrenaline will take me that day, maybe as far as a 1000 pound total for the meet. I will text friends unable to be at the meet and let them know how it is going.

 I want to watch other friends lift and cheer for them. When the meet is over I want to go out for a celebratory shot and meal with the people who came to support me.

The work won't be over when November 6th has come and gone. Maybe I'll bring more hardware to Pride for a place on the shelf. Hopefully I'll be able to tell Coach T I made it to 1000 pounds.

After Old School Iron Wars I will be looking for a new federation and new challenges. In 2017, I would like to qualify for a national meet and stand on a much larger platform.

A far-fetched dream perhaps, but it is my dream and I am not content to wonder if I could do it. I need to know the answer.

Checking in with myself I find a mentally tired woman. Eight hours of parent teacher conferences will do that to you. Then trying to compose a coherent, mostly grammatically correct blog to top it off. There is also some physical tiredness from a Flex Friday workout. Deadlifts and bench presses are among some of my favorites, but they will never be classified as easy, not even with "baby weight". Lighter weight just means I must focus more on my form and making sure it is spot on every rep.

Am I happy? Yes, I am. Not every moment, not every day, but at this moment in time with my boxer snuggled against my side and plans with friends for tomorrow evening I am happy and more importantly: I am content.

Thanks for reading!