Sunday, July 10, 2016

Someday

Someday.

I don't know about you, but I use that word A LOT. Definitely in dreaming about fun things to do with friends "Someday we should....". Many times when thinking about myself  "Someday, when I am fit....". The thing is, I am sort of fit now...some of the things I am putting off until that magical "someday" are things I should be doing now.

You know when someday is, right? For me it is NEVER. If I tell you I will do something "someday" you can bet I am thinking "...and someday is when hell freezes over. It ain't happening". My friend Carole has pointed out to me on many occasions that I should never say never. She's right, just about every thing I have said I would never do (i.e. complete a Tough Mudder, climb a wall, run around the pond, powerlift) I have done. Some I have done much better at than others, but I've done just about everything I said I never would. So I changed my never. Someday now means never for me.

It occurs to me as I write this, that this is one of the dumbest things I could do. I know myself: if I write it, I will post it. If I post it everyone who reads it is going to know that if I tell you someday chances are I am telling you never. Ah well, I may as well be honest.

Besides, I am not sure this is a secret. A coach who had known me less than a month was astute enough to recognize that if he ever wanted to see me on the platform at a powerlifitng meet he was going to need to do something about it himself. He was right, had he waited for me he'd still be waiting. I guess he saw something in me that led him to believe I would find my niche in powerlifting if he kicked my butt into doing it the first time. I am grateful he took the time to nudge me into powerlifting.

Someday I will have confidence in myself and my abilities. Yeah, not so much this one. I am working on it. Sometimes I feel confident, tell me we are deadlifting 215 pounds or I'll be bench pressing 135 pounds 5 reps for 5 rounds and I feel confident: I know (or I'm pretty sure) I can do those things.

Then I step up to that barbell loaded so it weighs 365 pounds and I get myself set up and lift. It feels so heavy while I'm pulling it past my shins that my confidence withers and I'm left with that voice that tells me I suck, that the bar is not going to lock out and I should quit right there. Fortunately at that point I also have Coach T or Coach D right there. Their voices are louder than the sneaky bitch in my head trying to undermine me and I get to lock out. The weight that gives me pause changes, but once I get past that "heavy" lift nothing else I pull feels as heavy.

That sounds weird right? How is it possible that pulling 365 pounds feels heavier than pulling 385, 395 or 400 pounds? I suspect it is mostly mental in my case. I over think things, shocking news right?? As much as I am chanting "this bar isn't heavy" in my head while I set up the nasty little voice in my head is also whispering "That is so much weight, you'll never move it...you'll be rowing 5000m for sure when you blow it. Coach T won't let you fail this without a consequence. And Coach D, he's going to be sorry he's been wasting his time training you".

I need to evict that nasty voice once and for all. Not someday, but now. There are days I might not pull 365 pounds, but that in no way means I've failed. I can't fail unless I walk away and refuse to try. That's just not going to happen, because there is no way I can look either of my coaches in the face and say no. There is no way I can look into the faces of my friends, the people who have travelled to Burlington with me, the ones who send me encouraging messages, the ones who make me laugh and remind me it will be okay when I am one step from bolting and tell them "Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it".  If I can't find the strength to do it for myself, then I will find the strength to do it for everyone who supports, encourages and cares about me.

I'm not perfect, I'm a work in progress. If I need to draw on my need to please people to get the job done then so be it. I know I need to work on it so that making myself happy is important too, but for the moment I will take what I can get. Lifting heavy stuff makes me really, really happy and I will get to that any way I have to.

Thanks for reading!

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