Brave

Driving home from a workout before my vacation the song "Brave" by Sarah Bareilles was playing. I've always sort of liked this song. I want to be brave. I want to face all my fears without wondering where the exit is. I want to stand up for what I want.

Most of all I want to stop caring so much about what society says is "right". I see the magazines, I see the photoshopped, airbrushed covers and my chunky, solid body just does not measure up. Not in any way, shape or form. Not in the wildest reaches of my imagination does the body I possess measure up to society's "ideal" or flavor of the month (thank you Joanne for that phrase).

Do I ever stop to think that there is a great likelihood that none of the women I am seeing on the cover can deadlift 400 pounds, squat 275 pounds or bench press 200? Do I remind myself to celebrate what my body can do and does do well? Nope, nope, nope. I look at the thick, jiggly thighs and resolve to work harder.

My biggest fear from the beginning of this journey has been I will slip back to the person I was before. I will regain all the weight and then some. I have shared my fears repeatedly with both of my coaches. Recently one of them suggested it is time to stop worrying about that: I am not the person I was before. Hmmm, he might have a point.

So, am I telling you that now I love my body and think it is perfect. Bahahaha! NO!! I am telling you I am TRYING to accept the body I have now and what it can do while I work on making it even better. I am working on not caring what the size label in my clothing says and instead worrying about how the clothes fit and make me feel. I am going to try to focus on what I do well and work on my weaknesses without getting down on myself. I don't want or need to be a jack of all trades at Pride: I need to be me. The coaches want me to be ME, not a pale, cookie cutter version of someone else.

I was brave last week in a different way: I didn't work out. No Pride Fit Group Training, no Yoga Corr, no Buddy Training, no Muscle Hour, no Flex Friday. I did take a 2 mile walk most mornings, but for a week I didn't see Coach Tyler, Coach Dane or Pride Fitness Performance. Most shocking to me: I lived through it. I would dare say it was even good for me (Yes, yes, I am saying you were right Dane and Tyler, I did need the break). I will walk back into Pride early tomorrow morning and I can't wait. I'll try not to do anything embarassing like hug the walls, but I make no promises.

I have one other area of being brave I need to work on. I need to stand firm on what I want. I hate conflict, to me it is just easier to let others have what they want. Except that doesn't really work. The other person might be happy, but I feel resentful and angry. Recently, with a lot of help and advice from friends, I have started the process of standing up for what I want. It's going to be slow going and I'm sure I'll slide back into letting other people's needs dictate what I do frequently, but one baby step at a time. Those people who think I will always be swayed to meet their needs now have fair warning: my needs matter too. Don't think I will automatically acquiese because you feel your needs are more important. I will be honest, I will strive to be kind, but if you are bold enough to ask me to meet your needs and ignore mine you get what you get.

In the interest of being brave here's my attempt of the day.

Popham Beach July 22, 2016.