Confidence

It's been almost two weeks since I last bored you with my ramblings. There has been A LOT on my mind, so many things I want to say and so many things I probably shouldn't say.

I'd like to tell you I've settled back into my routine since the meet on April 2, but the truth is I haven't. I've felt out-of-sorts, on edge and generally not myself.

Why am I feeling this way? That's an easy one. I feel like a fraud. A complete fraud. I brought home a trophy, it says "first place" on it, but as someone pointed out to me (rather unhelpfully and completely unnecessarily I thought) I was the only person in my age group so I can't really consider it first place. This same person then felt the need to continue on and tell me I needed to find a meet somewhere where I would actually have some competition. The lecture continued with the advice that if I didn't step outside my comfort zone I would never grow or get better.

Comfort zone?! Seriously?? There was nothing about getting to that meet that was anywhere in my comfort zone. NOTHING. Yes, I'd done it once before, so I knew what to expect. I also had more training so I put a ton of pressure on myself to be better: I didn't want my coaches thinking I'd wasted their time. I didn't want anyone there to cheer for me to feel cheated if I wasn't doing well. I mean, BOTH "Queens of the Pride" were there and two "Pride Warriors"...I didn't want to suck completely. Yeah, I'd say I was as far outside my comfort zone as I could get without spending the entire time between my lifts living up to my nickname.

I KNOW there is probably a time coming when my coaches will feel I am ready to take another step and will suggest a bigger meet. The point is: THEY KNOW ME. They know what I am capable of and how to push me without needing to drag me out from under a rock to get me to go along. When the time is right neither of them will hesitate to tell me it is time and as scared as I will be I trust them and I will take their advice.

Considering that this person knows nothing about lifting, absolutely nothing about coaching and apparently doesn't know anything about me I should brush it off and go on with my life. Instead I want to put up the walls I've torn down and hunker down behind them shutting everyone out.

What I want and what I am going to do are two different things. I want the wall back, but I know it doesn't serve me, it won't help me grow into the person I want to be. So I am standing as tall as I can, trying not to beg for reassurance every other second, breathing deep and knowing this too shall pass.

I'd like to blame my feelings on the person who felt the need to advise me on my life and how I should be living it, but the truth is it started before that.

Family is a mixed blessing. They are supposed to love you unconditionally and I think they do to the best of their ability, but it's not always the way you need/want to be loved. I am trying to be an adult, I am striving to accept that. I'm not having a lot of success. I absolutely made choices that have contributed to the current situation, I would make the same choices if I had it to do over again, because when it comes down to it I have to protect myself and I have to make myself happy.

I am working on that: I have found a core group of women who support me, encourage me and hold me accountable for being the best me I can be. I keep the family members who truly support and love me close. I have three men I know I can trust implicitly. I am blessed and I know it, but sometimes, and now is one of those times, what I don't have is glaringly obvious and more than a little painful.

I would like to tell you I have the confidence and the strength to throw this all off and get back to being who I am. I'm working on that, but my confidence is in short supply at the moment. I will do what I do: I will pull up my big girl pants, I will square my shoulders, straighten my spine, focus on what's ahead and get it done. I won't be perfect, I won't complete everything I think I should and sometimes I will huddle down in a corner and cry. I'm human, there's no way around that as much as I would like there to be. I want to be a beast, but let's be honest: I'm not. I can be strong, extremely strong at times, but not always. I am working on it, bear with me.

I'm going to close with a picture taken at the meet. It is my final deadlift of the meet, when I finally found my groove and felt like I belonged there.

Masters' and Women's Nationals, April 2, 2016

I'll see if I can't be more upbeat and positive in my next post.

Thanks for reading!