I am

I don't know what's up with me lately.

I am the first person to admit I am competitive, even when I shouldn't be. I'm not the best or the fastest, but something in me wants to win. Maybe it's a leftover from the little girl who wanted to be noticed and praised. Even when there is next to no chance I'm going to be able to accomplish what I've set out to do I don't want to admit it.

Except lately I am admitting it. Maybe that makes you think I'm a quitter. I've pondered whether or not I'm a quitter a lot lately. The jury is still out on that point, but I have come to an understanding about who I am recently.


1. I am enough. There, I said it. I feel like the biggest ego-maniac on the face of the Earth right now, but it needed to be said. I've spent a long time fighting myself, trying to make myself fit into what everyone seemed to think I was. Or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I'm coming to realize that anyone who expects me to be someone other than who I am does not need a place in my life.


2. I am evolving. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I want to be the strongest, I want to be a ninja, I want to be mobile, flexible and agile. I'm pretty sure I can't be ALL of those things. I want all those things though. I feel like I wasted 42 years of my life fighting my body, trying to starve myself to be thin, then giving up and eating everything in sight to pack on as many pounds as possible so I could be invisible. I'm not thin nor am I invisible. I still miss feeling invisible at times.


3. I am strong. I am NOT the strongest, not by a long shot and that truly is okay. I didn't think it would be and when I couldn't pull 650 pounds at the Pride Games I was not happy. I was completely pissed off in fact. I felt my body betrayed me, but in reality I betrayed my body. I didn't take any time off to regroup after my powerlifting meet (one week prior to the Pride Games). In fact I worked out the night before the Pride Games. Next time there will be recovery time, I learned my lesson. My mind wants to think I'm invincible, my body knows better.

I am mentally strong too. I am learning that not doing what I set out to do isn't the end of the world and doesn't mean I should lash out at myself with every negative thought and word I can come up with. Sometimes I cringe when I hear how I talk to myself. I would NEVER tell a friend, or member of the Pride that they sucked or were wasting everyone's time, but I frequently tell myself that. It's just not okay.


4. I deserve praise. What's not to love about a fist bump, high five or a hug? You know what: I DESERVE those things. After my last meet I got a text from one of my coaches telling me I did an awesome job and he was proud of me. I think I grinned for hours, possibly days after that. I am trying hard now to just say thank you when someone praises or compliments me. I might think of all the things I could improve, but I keep those to myself. I don't have any right to tell someone their opinion is wrong, I'm trying to remember that.


5. I can't do it all and that is okay. I have finally figured out there are things I do well and enjoy and those are the things I should do more of. I love to deadlift and squat. I am learning to love to bench press. I am fascinated by powerlifting. I might never be a runner or a ninja, but I'm learning to accept that. It doesn't mean I won't work on those skills, I will. The fact is no one is asking me to be a cookie cutter client. I might be lapped by turtles when I run around the pond, but I hold my own deadlifting and squatting. As long as I do the best I can do that's all anyone can ask.

I've had a lot of different dreams over the course of this journey. Currently my dream is to go to a national powerlifting competition. That probably means finding another powerlifting federation and that idea makes my stomach twist into knots right now. The idea scares me: I like Vermont Powerlifting and the All Raw federation. Right now I am biding my time and continuing my training, hoping that neither coach is going to want to talk to me about another meet before the next Vermont Powerlifting meet in November. If they do though I will listen. Neither one of them wants to see me hurt or humiliated, that much I do trust 100%. If the conversation comes up, it because they think it is time and that I am ready. Just keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't happen any time soon. Let's be honest: my fears won't stop me, but they give me pause.


6. I am NOT a quitter. I wanted to be at buddy training. I was looking at my fourth rope climb, in fact I was on the knotted rope, trying to get my feet to the second knot. I couldn't do it and my grip gave. Dane could have told me to get my ass back on that rope and climb the damn thing, but he didn't. He told me to regroup and go again. I didn't know if I had that last climb in me: my arms were tired, but my coach believed I could do it. I did indeed do it and when I smacked the cowbell it was a huge relief. Before that I wanted to quit squatting to the box with 195 pounds, but I didn't. I will admit it felt like that box got lower every rep, but after failing my second attempt at squatting on April 2, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to be sure I squat to at least parallel every damn time I squat.


So there you have it...another stream of consciousness post. I am me: the biggest bundle or nerves, fears, strengths and insecurities you are likely to meet.

Thank you so much for reading.

No quit here. I was pretty sure this row was going to do me in,
but I did my 500m and then a 50m prowler push