What if...

Do you have those nights when you go to bed tired, definitely ready to get some sleep and find yourself spending most of the night staring at the ceiling? Not just staring at the ceiling, but trying to stop your mind from running through every disaster scenario it can come up with?

I don't think I'm alone in having a wildly overactive imagination that keeps me from getting the sleep I want. I'm not quite self-absorbed and self-centered enough to think I'm that important and special.

My fitness journey is going along just fine. The Pride 9 challenge will end next week and I think this has done the trick to teach me about how to eat to get the best performance I can from my body. I won't tell you I have been a perfect saint during the challenge, but I have paid attention and if I choose a piece of pizza for dinner I have thought about it, I am fully aware it is probably not the best choice, but it is one meal and I can make a better choice at my next meal. Could it be that I have finally figured out this isn't all or nothing? It would be nice to think that I really do understand that one not so good choice doesn't mean that I can just throw it all away.

So what's my hang up?? Seriously, if you are not asking yourself that right now I would be surprised. I ask that question every early morning.

As confident as I would like to be in my abilities my nasty little critic won't give it a rest. Right now the critic is stuck on April 2 and the 2016 Vermont Powerlifting Master's and Women's Nationals.
I've been registered for this meet since early January so obviously I knew I wanted to be there. I've even posted the date and address for the meet on Facebook and invited people to come watch. I worry at times I'm being a complete pain in the ass and showing way too much ego by talking about this meet. I've been assured by friends if I were really the ego-maniac I think I am no one would be interested in coming to see this meet.

SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!

My problem can be summed up in this one question my critic uses:

What if you let everyone down?

There it is: what if I completely fail and let my coaches and my friends down. Considering I didn't fail at my first meet when I didn't get the bar on my back or step out of the squat rack before I started nodding to the head judge to signal I was ready for the squat command I should be able to put that fear to rest easily. I can't.

I worry about letting my coaches down. I mean they came up with a solution for training me that gives me the best of both worlds: warm-ups and finishers with Coach T and strength work with Coach D. They are both coming to the meet. Which brings up another worry. Every article I've read about what you need at a powerlifting meet definitely said you need a coach/handler and every last one said you needed to pay them like it is a personal training session. I am all for that, I just don't know how to talk to them about it. I don't want to offend them, not that I think it would, but hey if I'm going to worry I'm going to go big. I would happily and willingly pay them anything they wanted for being there to make sure I'm warmed up and focused on my job. It's not that I'm afraid of either of them, I'm not at all, it is just I hate talking money. I'll figure it out, I always do.

Then there are all the people who I know are going to be there, and some I probably don't know are coming. I love my Pride family, I truly do. They are supportive and I know they will cheer me on at least as loudly as they did at the first meet. I want to give them something worthy of the long drive to cheer for. Reading this as I write it even I KNOW how stupid that sounds. They are going to go because they want to and not one of them will think I let them down no matter what I do.

I might know how stupid I sound, but I can't seem to shut it off unless I am standing before the squat rack, before a loaded barbell or am under a bar on the bench.

When I am working on my lifts I feel confident, competent and strong. I know I am doing what I am supposed to do, maybe even doing what my body is pretty well designed to do. I still need some coaching cues to focus in on parts of my form ("shoulders back" and "get back on your heels" are pretty common), but by and large my form is pretty good. There is a point in every training session when the day falls away and I feel the warrior/beast inside wake up. She's fierce and she won't quit. That 335 pound bar might feel heavy on my first pull, I might even have to back away and reset on round one, but by the final round the beast is awake and she wants more. She knows that bar is coming off the floor, she knows the pull will be smooth and the lock out will happen. I'm working on figuring out how to get the beast to silence the critic without a bar in my hands.

To my coaches and all the people who will be there on April 2. I am so glad you are coming. I am thankful for the support, I am truly humbled by the support. I probably won't be a sparkling conversationalist that day, I might even look like a complete wreck  for part of the time. Just know when push comes to shove, when I step up to that squat rack for my first round I will not be competing just for the fat girl who never thought she was good enough, I will be doing it for every single person who has supported me, encouraged me and kicked my butt when necessary. I am doing it for me too, don't get me wrong, the warrior/beast needs to be let out to play from time to time, but I know I am where I am because of the most incredible support system any person could ask for.

I will make myself proud. I hope I will make you proud as well.

Let's do this!

Thanks for reading!