Sunday Rambling

I had an unanticipated bump in the road this week: I got sick. I know, shocking. Turns out I AM human after all. I'd like to be a beast, in many ways I might be a beast. If that's true, even beasts get sick from time to time.

I should probably have had a clue when hang cleans and front squats were even harder than normal during Muscle Hour. It didn't really occur to me that anything could be wrong, because I'll be the first to admit that my cleans and front squats SUCK. They aren't just a little rough people, we are talking really, really awful. Yes, I need to work on that. Then during The Heat we were doing pike presses (or for the more athletic and capable among us: doing handstand push ups), deadlifting and doing Ab Rollouts.

Normally I LOVE to deadlift. Given the choice I would spend the majority ALL of my time deadlifting. So it should have been a rad flag when Tyler asked me if I minded if he did a few sets of deadlifts with the bar I'd been using and I said sure. Not that I would normally have snarled at him and hunched over the bar swatting him away, but I wouldn't have felt the sense of relief I did that night. It was maybe 50% of my max deadlift and I was struggling to pull it. Yeah, red flag moment there, but it didn't dawn on me then.

I left class wondering what was up with me, but given some other things going on in my life not too concerned. Plus I've been reminded that not every time I train is going to be my best performance ever.

About midnight it became startlingly clear that it was more than stress and ridiculousness that was impacting me. I'll spare you the blow by blow. I dozed in between bouts from midnight to 6 am, called in sick and then went to bed for some sleep.

I know I was sick because until I woke up at about 11:30 am I didn't think about letting either of my coaches know that buddy training probably wasn't going to happen. Normally my workouts are the first thing on my mind. I sent a message, offering to come in for measurements and was assured I should stay home and rest.

I did a lot of resting. I don't think I was awake more than an hour or two throughout the day. Abbey who normally loves her walks and won't stop letting everyone know it is time for one wouldn't leave my side. My mother offered to walk her, but Abbey was having none of it. She appointed herself my nursemaid/guardian and took her job seriously. She's normally my shadow, Thursday she was my second skin.

It's Sunday now and I am finally feeling more like myself. I might even get brave with food and venture beyond eggs and sweet potato today. Yesterday that was the extent of my culinary bravery: scrambled eggs and sweet potato. Hey maybe I'll even be hungry for 3 meals today. One step at a time, one step at a time...I don't want to get too radical.

I went back to work on Friday. I even worked out at 5:30 am. Not my most stellar outing, but I didn't give any gold stars. I even had my measurements for the end of the Pride 9 challenge done. In 9 weeks I lost 12 pounds, 4 inches from my waist and 4 inches from my hips. I don't remember the body fat percentage, but I do know it went down.

I am proud of what I did and best of all: I moved down a weight class for my meet on April 2. Now to be sure I maintain that loss while getting proper nutrition so I can knock it out of the park that Saturday. I know, I know: the fact that I am going to get out there and compete is a win already. Let's be honest though: I want to bring home hardware.

Friday afternoon was kind of a big deal too. I teach, I am used to being in front of groups of children talking. Friday afternoon Itook it a step further and talked to the sixth graders in my school about perseverance, goal setting and my journey. I asked some of the people who support and encourage me to come and they were there as well. I choked up once when I talked about change and how sometimes what might seem to be the end of the world turns out to be exactly what is needed. This time the choking up wasn't about the change though, it was about one person going out of his way to make the change less difficult. It was about finally realizing it was okay to extend trust and let people in. Not that there would never be betrayal or disappointment again, but those things won't destroy me. See, I am learning.

I also realized as I was talking that being open to new experiences and extending trust has opened up a whole new world to me. A world where I can embrace being strong and celebrate it. I might not be comfortable being called a trend setter or being a one woman show, but maybe if I put myself out there it will encourage and intrigue others enough to want to join me. I'd love to go to my next meet as part of a team. I like blending in so much better than standing out, but if I need to stand out to spark interest and excitement I will suck it up and get it done.

Saturday was the "Be Your Own Hero" photoshoot at Pride Fitness Performance. I wasn't sure I was actually going until I walked out the door. Even though the day before I told my coach I was coming and I never want to go back on my word to him, I still told myself I didn't have to go: no one would fault me. I wouldn't be the thinnest or best looking one there. The moment I had that last thought I gave myself the fierce look in mirror and got out the blue eyeliner: the warrior was going. I. Am. Not. Anyone. Else. I. Am. Me. There has never been an expectation from either of my coaches that I will be anyone but who I am. They seem to think I am good enough just as I am, my friends seem to feel the same, so I got to work.

I showed up at Pride with my hands shaking, my stomach rolling and I looked like a deer in the headlights. It turned out to be a lot more fun than I anticipated. I got to deadlift and I hear I looked fierce. I got to be a part of several different group shots and it was truly fun.

So I am not a super model, I am not a size 2: that doesn't matter. It has never mattered. It will NEVER matter. The people who matter respect me for who I am and they see something in me they like. That's enough.

It's been a big couple of days. There are big days coming up too...not sure if I'll have anything else to say before April 2, but be warned that following April 2 I will have plenty to say.

Stay tuned and thank you so much for reading!