Perspective

This post started out to be a rant about the scale. I've written about my love/hate relationship with that particular inanimate object before, so it's probably good that yesterday happened to change my focus.

To sum up my feelings about the scale before I move on: I HATE it!

The number it displays has gone down, I'm not upset about that. I just want it to reflect what my measurements and my entire outlook reflect. Sure it tells me there's less of me, but really there is so much more of me. Or maybe it's that there is so much more TO me now.

Which brings me to yesterday. You never know when the next moment that is going to make you think and reflect on your own prejudices and preconceived ideas is going to come. Mine came during my yearly visit to the eye doctor. The woman who checked me in and got the general information from me asked me that fateful question: How much do you weigh?

I debated that for a several seconds, mostly debated being snippy and somewhat rude and responding "None of your business". Given that I was raised not to be rude without considerable provocation I answered honestly and kind of proudly. Then she asked how tall I was which I responded to without hesitation. Then she stopped and sighed deeply.

I wondered what was coming next and decided if it was a lecture about my weight I was not going to be polite: I was going to remind her that she wasn't my doctor, nor my coach, nor my mother and she could keep her opinions to herself. Then she said "I'm your height and your weight too. Doesn't it suck?"

I had no response at the time. Honestly, it doesn't suck to be 5'5" and my current weight. It sucked to be 5'5" and at least 309 pounds. It sucked to wedge myself into seats on airplanes and need the seatbelt as big as I could get it so it would fit. It sucked to get winded going up or down a flight of stairs.

Now? I don't think it sucks at all. I like what my body can do. I like squatting 260 pounds, I like bench pressing 145 and I LOVE deadlifting 385 pounds. I like that I can go up and down the stairs at least 20 times per day without breathing hard. I love working out and feeling tired when I'm done, but not like I'm going to die any second. I like fitting into smaller clothes than I've ever worn before. I like hearing from Coach Tyler that I'm strong or hearing "Simple" when I'm done a set of whatever Coach Dane has set before me. Let's not get me started about fist bumps or high fives...I could go on about those for days.

I wish I'd had that answer yesterday, but I didn't. I can think on my feet sometimes, but usually I do much better with time to formulate an answer. So, that's my answer to "Doesn't it suck?"

Perspective is an amazing thing. This woman seemed to be feeling really bad about herself and her weight. I have an entirely different outlook. Yep, by society's standards I am still very overweight and I've had other people tell me just that. I used to feel crushed by those comments, now I can walk away knowing that person doesn't know the first thing about me or my journey and their opinion is worth exactly nothing in my life. I might still look "fat" to others, but there's plenty of muscle there too and I am working to build more. The scale gives me a number that explains my relationship with gravity, it doesn't tell me how much is muscle I need to be the best I can be. That number does not, nor should it ever define me as a person.

Many things in my life define me, my weight is not one of them. Do I weigh more than I want to? Yes. Am I doing something about that? You bet. Do I need you to tell me I'm not meeting society's beauty standards? Since I don't strive to be society's version of "beautiful" I don't advise you to waste your breath. Plus, did I mention how much I can lift, squat and press? Yeah, think about it before you feel the need to give unsolicited advice and opinions. I try to be nice, but I'm no doormat.

In other news, it's been an extraordinary week. On Tuesday  I sat with three other people and was interviewed for NEK-TV's "Dial It Up". I was introduced as a teacher and a powerlifter. I've competed one time, I'm diligently training for meet #2 and it wasn't until that day that I really realized I'm not the only one who sees myself as a powerlifter. Heady stuff, especially since I was sitting with three people I consider so much more knowledgeable than me, my coaches and a good friend. There's a chance I pinched my hand a couple of times just to be sure it was real. It was real, there's a picture and I've been told there will be a DVD to prove it.

One of the questions I got asked was who I admire in powerlifting. I'm a rank newbie, I don't even know the names in the sport to be honest. I answered honestly and said I am just learning and really the people I admire most were the two coaches who were there with me. My favorite question had to be how do you train. Huh? The answer I should have given was "I pick up whatever heavy stuff Tyler or Dane tell me to with the best form I can possibly have." I know there is a method to the way I'm being trained and maybe it's a reflection of how little I know that I've never thought to ask about it. Seriously, I love to move heavy stuff...I don't care how, where or when: just tell me what my task is and let me get to it.

Don't get me wrong, I am reading about powerlifting, I am watching videos on YouTube and I studied everyone at my first meet carefully to see what they did and how. I want to know more, I will know more, but for the moment to avoid my well-developed ability to over think EVERYTHING I do I am trying to let go and trust my coaches. I do set goals for myself, but other than that I want to just trust and enjoy the experience as much as I can.

Back to your day now.

Thanks for reading!