Last week was the week from HELL. There I said it. I'm sure other people had it much rougher than I did, but my week was no picnic. I won't belabor the point, I'd just like to say I am so glad it is over.
Something else I noticed this week: my workouts meant even more. Everything else in my life felt out-of-control and scary, but my mentors/fitness professionals still pushed me. They also encouraged and supported me, but they didn't coddle me. There were a few moments in personal training on Thursday night when the tears came, I tried so hard to hold them in and push them back, but they came anyway. A friend gave me a hug, told me I could do it and went back to her workout. The man I think of as my mentor went about what he was doing. I have no doubt he knew exactly what was going on and was ready to help if needed. I needed a shoulder for a second and then the stubborn part of me that won't quit was ready to fight.
I discovered I'm still not invincible this week. No matter how physically strong I might be, I'm still not invincible. Things will happen in my life that throw me for a loop. A beloved pet, my mother's dog Sebastian, reached the end of his journey on Tuesday. Professionally this week I learned that the request for a change of placement I made for the 2014-2015 school year was my best decision to date. The professional aspect I am not ready to get into, nor do I think I ever will get into it on this blog. There's a time and place, this forum is not it. This is about me and my journey, not every bump in the road that sends me careening into a ditch.
My heart still aches when I look around and don't see Seb, but I know it was his time. He was ready to go and holding on to him was not for his sake any longer: it was for ours and it was unfair. He was a good old guy, always patient with the ever-exuberant Abbey, not even snapping at her when she'd bounce into his head in her rush to see everything. He likely had some sort of mouth cancer and I know his mouth hurt, but every time Abbey bumped into him he'd just sigh, look up at me and wag his tail.
Don't get me wrong, there were bright spots to my week. One of the brightest was Tuesday evening when Abbey and I arrived in Lyndonville. We were worried how she might take being around when Seb was euthanized. At first I thought I would skip my Obstacle Course Race Conditioning Class and emailed to let the instructor know. I told him why and he made the most generous offer I could have imagined. He offered to let me bring Abbey with me and we could put her in an office so I could still work out. As soon as she got out of the car with me I think Abbey knew where she was. She kept scenting the wind and she pranced across the street with me. When we walked in the door she pulled me up the stairs as fast as she could. Then she saw Ben and the wiggling began.
You see Abbey belonged to Ben and his family before she came to live with me and I worried it would be hard for him to see her. It may have been, I can only speak for myself, but Abbey was thrilled to see Ben again. She raced around, wiggled for him and gave plenty of kisses. When the time came to go home she was ready to come with me, but I really believe she enjoyed her time in familiar territory.
So other than learning I wasn't invincible what other lessons can I take away from last week?
1. Sometimes the only way to go is one step at a time right through hell.
2. When you least expect it you will find support in a place you might not have imagined.
3. When times are tough find one thing that makes you feel good and cling to it. Do that thing every chance you have.
4. Even when you go through hell there will be joyful moments: watch for them and embrace them.
5. Remember darkness doesn't last forever: don't make final decisions based on how you feel in one moment, no matter how awful it seems.
6. Lean on the people who offer their support. We all need a helping hand sometime, don't apologize for that.
7. Garbage belongs in the trash, not taking up space inside your head.
8. Not everyone in the world is going to like you or think you're a good person. That does not make them right.
9. Be honest about how you feel. If you won't tell people they can't read your mind. If you do tell them they may be able to help you regain your equilibrium.
Thank you to everyone who took a moment this week to offer your support. I needed it more than you realize and appreciate it more than I can say.
As always...thanks for reading.
Now, back to training for Tough Mudder. May 31, 2014 is coming: I will be ready: I'm a Mudder!
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