Please Like Me

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and accept myself for who I am. It's about time. On March 27 I'll turn 44 years old. For my birthday I'd like to actually feel okay about who I am.

I am the person who wants to make everything better for everyone. I don't just want to do that some times: I want to do it all the time. I'm willing to make myself miserable if it will keep other people happy. I have to stop. I know it's not healthy, I know it doesn't make people like me any better...in fact it probably irritates them to no end.

So why bother? Why not just do what makes me happy and not worry about anyone else? In part I know from time in therapy I'm just wired that way. My goal in life is not to make waves, to always be the "good girl". If I'm good everyone will like me and want to be my friend, right? To put it succinctly: NO. It's hard for me to accept that there are people who don't like me and won't like me no matter what I do to try to make them like me.

If I think I have done something to hurt or upset someone it kills me. I would do anything to take it back. Even if there is nothing I can do to fix it I want to. I never want to be the cause of another person's pain, which is fine. I shouldn't set out to deliberately hurt people. Sometimes situations come up and decisions must be made that will cause pain, even if that decision is the right one. It still tears me up. Being kind and compassionate is fine, but I can carry it to extremes.

I do not mean to be a complete pain in the ass, but I'm enormously insecure. I will email or text just to wish you a good day, but not because I'm a crazy stalker. Honestly I do it because you are important to me and I don't ever want to miss the opportunity to tell you that. If I email you with a million questions or just to say thank you I am not trying to harass you: I am being genuine. I genuinely want the people I care about to know I appreciate them and all they do for me, that's all. I may come across as a huge pain in your ass, but it's not my intention.

Don't get me wrong. I can be hard, I can be cold. When there is no other option I will walk away, but I never do it without feeling I failed somehow. When I need to turn my back and walk away I never do it without tears. Most people won't ever see those tears, but they're real. I have the sleepless nights to prove it.

So why all this emptying my heart? Well, this week I did something I have been needing to do for at least a year. I asked for what I really wanted instead of what would make other people happy. I was nervous about asking, but it turns out putting my needs first wasn't a bad thing. I received valuable and reassuring feedback and the powers that be were not in the least surprised at what I was asking.

On the fitness front it was a hard week. 3 minute density metabolic resistance training (MRT) workouts. Wednesday was especially hard. Imagine a move that is hard for you (for me all 8 moves were hard, but especially the handstand holds) and then imagine holding it for 3 minutes. I didn't hold a handstand for 3 minutes, in fact I couldn't even do a pike hold for 3 minutes. I made it about a minute and a half and then I modified to the yoga pose downward dog. It wasn't instructor recommended, but it was really all I could do. The last exercise my partners and I did that morning was a goblet squat hold. In the first minute and a half I had to get out of that hold at least two times to stretch cramping muscles, then our instructor came over and dropped into a squat with us and challenged us to hold it with him. My competitive side fired right up and I didn't move out of the squat until he called time. Thanks Tyler for knowing what it would take to keep us going.

In other fitness news I've gone and done it. I've taken my first tentative, scared step to someday being a fitness instructor. I have signed up through American Fitness Professionals and Associates for the Personal Trainer Certification program. At the moment my plan is to learn all I can to better myself. Someday I would like to teach, but I look at what Ben, Tyler, Stacey and Mary do and do so well and I'm not there yet. Right now the learning will be for myself and maybe if I shore up my own knowledge I'll find more confidence in myself and my abilities. At the risk of being completely and utterly sappy: I want to learn more and be better so maybe someday in some small way I can emulate the fitness professionals I so admire.

Thanks for reading.