Scared

I've been quiet for awhile now. Not because I've had nothing to say, but because I couldn't think of anything positive or uplifting to say. I'm sure at some point in your life someone close to you, perhaps a parent or grandparent told you if you couldn't say anything nice it was better to say nothing.

So what has me so discombobulated that I've decided to stay silent behind my wall. I put on my very best game face, smiled, chatted and looked quite normal I'm sure. I've felt anything but normal, mostly I've felt scared.

Scared of what? Scared of failing. I know failing isn't the end of the world, it just means I need to regroup and try again, but I HATE that feeling. You all know the one: your heart sinks into your stomach which has relocated to the bottom of your feet. All you want to do is sink into a hole and pull a rock over the top to avoid everyone. It's been pretty easy to be a hermit this week, it's been school vacation and I was dog/cat/house sitting while my mother enjoyed time in the Florida sun with my sister and her family.

I did mention I had my mask firmly in place, right? I did my workouts as scheduled: metabolic resistance training Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 5:30 am, All-Star Workout, Yogalaties and I even went to a Zumba fundraiser last night. I got my new sheet during personal training and I might not have rocked the moves, but I tried. Trying counts, right?

Of course trying counts, so why the hell did I leave Thursday night wanting to cry? Yes, the moves were hard: they were designed to be. To get stronger and better I have to work on the things I'm not good at. I suppose I could have started my week differently and instead of poking the bear I could have emailed and said I was feeling kind of fragile and maybe give me some easy stuff that I could do well. I might be scared, but I was not going to do that.

I'm not old and wise, or not wise at any rate, but I'm wise enough to know feelings are important, but they change, sometimes very quickly. Yes, I could have given my fitness professionals a head's up that I was struggling, but what were they going to do for me? Hold my hand? Hug me and tell me it would be okay? Give me a swift kick in the butt and tell me to get over it? They are kind, caring people and would have done what they could to help, of that I am certain, but what I needed most was to be treated like I was strong and a badass no matter what I was feeling inside. So I wiped away tears a bunch of times...I pretended it was sweat.

When I'm not sure exactly what's scaring me I opt to ignore it. It makes me feel miserable and on edge, but that's the way it is. Dwelling on the feeling doesn't help, my mind will let me in on what the problem is when I'm ready to deal with it.

Turns out the drive from Derby Line to Bradford was the perfect uninterrupted time to come to terms with what has been scaring me. When I realized what it was I rolled my eyes, sighed and said "Here we go AGAIN."

You see, even though I completed Tough Mudder last year, and completed it injured and well medicated with Advil and extra strength Tylenol I'm scared about this year. The team won't be the same and scariest of all: people are looking to me for support and encouragement. ME?? I can barely keep myself together I'm probably not the person you want encouragement from. I'm not an inspiration: I'm a hot mess.

Don't misunderstand me: I'm scared, but I won't back down and I won't quit. I won't be the best or fastest on the course, I won't be the best on the team. I will be the best I can be. I will help when I can help. I will offer encouragement and support. If you need help over a wall or through an obstacle I'll be there. I'm going to be scared and afraid, but I like to believe that part of being brave and courageous is working in spite of the fear.

In fact, one of my favorite quotes is my email signature. I'll end this post with it.

Thanks for reading.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”  ~Ambrose Redmoon